Friday, December 31, 2010

Good bye, 2010!

And hello 2011! haha i'm SO ready for this year to be over. Although, it's not like it'll change much. but whatever. I'm fine with that. So, I only have one resolution set so far. It's to remain single. 'cuz relationships are just not going to be to great in my current state of mind. I'm deciding on whether my other resolution should be to continue my current mindset and not trust anybody, or to try to trust people again. Methinks I will just see how things go when I return to school on the third--too soon!

So, the night before last I snuck out at 1:00am ish and walked to liberty park, where I met up with Bri and we smoked and it was really nice. I am so happy about all this snow we're getting, too!

I'm thinking in January I'm going to do a 'song of the day' thing on this blog and so I'll try to post one each day. I'm probably going to be passed out almost all of tomorrow (or doing homework. Joy...) so, here's the first one :)

This song is for Anton, Elsa, Daisy, Sydnie and Lizzy.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so, I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Day after Christmas

I hate Christmas. SO fucking MUCH. haha it's a terrible holiday. :)

Hmmm... But I did get some lovely gifts! Like a sparkly hat! And a German Rossetta Stone (I haven't started learning it yet. I'm probably going to wait until Summer when I actually have time.) AND I GOT TICKETS TO SEE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LIIIIIIIIVE IN APRIL!!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anywho... Anton is coming into town in two days! And Imma see my ElsaBear on the Second! :) And I'm going up to the cabin with Annie and family for New Years. Which should be fun. :)

Ummm.... That's it? I dunno. sure. Good bye!
Eat you some cake!
and flyyy!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Pictures :)

Don't ever go away. I'd miss you too damn much.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


That's how my life is right now. I'm happier than I've been in SUCH a long time. Funny, even though I have no texting and my home internet connection has been cut, I am in an amazingly amazing mood.
Anton and I started talking again kind of. I know it's not going to be as good as before, but it was nice to be able to carry out a semi-normal conversation with him.

((random thought: Bobby just walked by and he smells like cigarettes, which is a smell I have come to love, even though cigarettes themselves taste na-asty))

I'm hella relapsing today. I got so fucking high with Bri, Sarahi, Jack, Jade and Desi. I love 'em all. Except Desi. he pisses me off.
But I shotgunned a few times with Jack (Where the guy takes a hit then passes it to the girl mouth-to-mouth) and then he kept bugging me to make out with him and I kept refusing until Sarahi offered me the rest of her bud to do it so I did and then we smoked the rest then we ran around downtown and it was hella fun but then I got home and ate a shit ton and then showered (which is super intense to do while high) and then finshed watching Kekaishi (totally recommend! If you're in to Anime...)and then I completely crashed without doing any homework. Oops! Oh well.

WOAH! it's already fourth period. Today's going by hella fast! Add another 50 to my happy points! heehee!

And that's what's up in my fabulous life :)
So, eat cake!
And fly!!! ^^

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I really love Coldplay. Lots. They are quite fabulous. :)

So, I'm reading BlackCat right now (the manga) and Basically this super rich chick bought a T-Rex. I wish I could get one. That'd be super sick. :)

Um... Yes. Things have happened. But I'm so tired and my brain isn't working so I don't know what to say. Let's see...

I don't really like Jake anymore, nor do I like Jack and Ashleigh is being a bitch and... yeah. Karina is kinda annoying me. But that's okay. :)

I got my phone taken away from me. Because I'm a super nice daughter.

And I am not at all a whore. Just saying.

Like I said, my brain isn't working so I apologize for having such a shitty post today. I may or may not post a better one soonly? We shall see.

So eat lots of cake.
And fly!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Anata ga inai to iyaiyatte iru wagamama

I don't ever want to let you go. I'm selfish like that.

So I finally started writing/drawing my manga I've had in my head for forever. I'm happy! haha except I fail at drawing manga style so it sucks. Oh well! haha

So stuff has been happening. :)

First off, I really started liking Jack and I'm pretty sure he likes me too but then I started talking and getting to know Jake and I really like him and he told me he likes me too BUT I'm really scared of opening up to people now because of.. past events but I really opened up last night and I finally told someone everything about certain relationships and certain people and it was really scary but now I feel really safe with him which also scares me because people have a habit of leaving me so I don't want new people who can hurt me that way and this is all one really big run on sentence and I'm a grammar freak most of the time so I'm going to end it now. Anyways! We ended up playing around a bit last night and then I kinda freaked out and left... haha 'cuz I'm a freak. >.<

So that's my life, I guess.

Oh yeah! I really hate most of the people at City Academy except, like, Ashleigh and Karina and Brianna and Jake and Jack.
And I'm a super nice daughter.
The other night my mother was talking to me and it was bugging me so I told her to shush and she started yelling at me so I told her if she doesn't like me telling her that she should just not talk to me. I'm nice to her, aren't I?

Anyways, now I really am done.
So eat lots of cake!
And fly!!!

Friday, November 26, 2010


So, I just noticed that I'd gone over the 100 post mark. I was going to do this on 100 but I guess I'll just do it now :).


1.I used to be really social, but this year it's gone away mostly. I'm not complaining though because being lonely is better than putting up with people :)
2. My favorite thing in the whole wide world ever is my puppy dog :)
3. My favorite mangas/animes are Kekaishi, Bleach, FMA, Vampire Kinght, Inuyasha and Black Cat
4. My real name is Catherine, but I go by Cate
5. I strongly dislike people touching my phone without asking.
6. I HATE when people lie to me about big things. I'd perfere them to just tell me that they don't want to tell me and to go away.
7. I like almost all music. Really.
8. I really want a job
9. I want to become a teacher at Realms :)
10. I want to go to Prescott Collage, but there's one problem.... It's in Arizona. :(
11. I really REALLY should be doing homework right now, but of course I'm not about to do so :)
12. I absolutely LOVE strawverries and pomegranites ^^
13. I think smiley faces make everything seem happier :D
14. I freaking love fire!
15. I'm kinda addicted to Facebook, but not so much as I was.
16. I feel like almost everyone I knew is going away but it's okay 'cuz they're happier without me.
17. I don't want to make new friends, though, because losing them hurts so damn bad.
18. I have a wristband that I got over the summer on a shopping trip with Anton and Sydnie. It's rainbow and black checkered and I barely take it off anymore.
19. Yes, I named my phone. His name is Rylee and he is gay. ^^
20. My best friends are probably Sydnie and Ashleigh. I love them!
21. most of the guys I like turn out to be gay or assholes or taken. Ah well. I'm fine being single :)
22. I am Agnostic and I enjoy learning about religions
23. I can tolerate most religions, but not at all when people use religion as an excuse to hate others.
24. I am also Democratic and I like making fun of the TEA party with my father. :)
25. My favorite subject in school is English or art.
26. My least favorite is Biology because my teacher is a dick and I just don't like Bio. :(
27. The anime character I think I'm most like is Rangiku Matsumoto from Bleach.
28. If you're reading this I probably would die for you. <3
29. We are not what you think we are. We are golden.
30. My favorite word is starshine. Heehee I love it!
31. My favorite saying is "And life goes on." Because it makes me happy haha
32. I don't smoke a lot, but I consider it one of my favorite things to do.
33. I do it because it distracts me from reality. I do it because when I'm high I can't stop laughing. I do it because it's not as bad as cutting myself, which is pretty much the alternative for me.
34. My favorite time is 11:11pm. 11:11 because I get to make a wish and pm because a) I'm not in school and b) it's normally dark outside at that time :)
35. I like the color combination blue and red, except if there's white involved it becomes patriotic and I hate patriotism.
36. I am fairly negative (moreso than I am positive) but not overly.
37. I love blood. It's pretty and it tastes good and it even smells good :)
38. My cousin is one of the people I'm closest too, which is kind of silly since she doesn't really know much about me and we don't talk about much besides anime/manga
39. I like making friends, just not letting them get close to me.
40. I love Coldplay, Thirty Seconds to Mars, Avril Lavigne, ADAM LAMBERT, Lady Gaga, and Corrine Bailey Rae.
41. I write a lot, mostly fanfiction, and I've never written a full story that wasn't an assignment for school.
42. I am currently working on a BLEACH fanfic, and I've gotten farther on it than I have with any other so I'm pretty hopeful about it.
43. For two years straight I was voted 'most likely to survive on a desert island by eating the skin off her own toes.' EW!!!!!!
44. I mostly wear tight clothing but I don't own any long sleeved shirts. Which isn't good when it comes to winter and I'm in Utah....
45. I'm not really photogenic, but I like taking pictures of myself and having pictures taken of me.
46. I would die without chocolate.
47. On school days I normally drink caffinated tea in the morning, Dr.pepper for lunch, A monster energy drink on the way home, and I eat lots of chocolate. basically, caffeine is my life force.
48. If I call you a bitch I either really do hate you or I love you. Or both, sometimes. :)
49. I don't participate in lots of sports, but I ski a LOT in the winter.
50. I have a very flirtatious attitude and it's gotten me into quite a bit of trouble before ;) (halfway done!)
51. My room is ALWAYS messy.
52. I find Geography really interesting, Math and Spanish really boring, Biology very stupid, English fun but challenging and Art is just fun
53. My favorite teachers are my Spanish and Art teachers. My least favorite are my biology and Math teachers.
54. My favorite books are The Princess Bride, The Book Thief, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and the Scott Pilgrim series.
55. Last semester I got a GPA of 3.6, but this semester I'm probably going to much worse. :(
56. I like drawing manga people but I'm not very good at it at all. Oh well!
57. I love loooong baths and showers. ^^
58. I am obsessed with shoes, especially boots.
59. I'm a very VERY hardheaded person. If I decide something, it's nearly impossible to get me to change my mind.
60. I love when people call me 'cute' or 'pretty' rather than 'beautiful' or 'sexy' or whatever.
61. I'm pansexual-I don't care if they're a boy or girl, if they're attractive to me then I'll crush on them. Or ask them out. Or make out with them. Or whatever ;)
62. My favorite movies are Milk, The Princess Bride, Fade to Black I'll Call Your Name, Miyazaki films, and Inception.
63. I recently made a facebook for Ichimaru Gin and I have more fun roleplaying him than I think I should.
64. My two biggest celebrity crushes are Adam Lambert and Rhianna. They are both SOOOOOOOO FUCKING SEXY!!!!!!!!
65. I couldn't name just one, but among my favorite songs are The Reason by Hoobastank, Whataya want from me by the sexy sexy Adam, Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson, Alejandro by Lady Gaga and Need you know by Lady Antebellum.
66. I like the number eleven quite a lot.
67. I am highly obsessed with Ichimaru Gin. Very very very much so. haha god...
68. We will never be anything but loud :)
69. I also like this number, but because of the sex position, because of the wonderous Shuuhei-Kun who is quite the nummy man and I like drawing his 69 tattoo on my wrist. :)
70. I also always write 'fly' on my wrist. I don't really know why, though.
71. I don't get a whole lot of sleep at night.
72. I prefer the cold because I am more awake and alert when it's cold as opposed to falling asleep when it's hot.
73. My life force is caffeine.
74. I love writing.
75. I hate writing essays for specific things though.
76. So I often times don't do my big important assignments, which is probably not good.
77. I am okay at doing my homework as long as it doesn't involve the computer. If it does, I WILL get distracted.
78. I really don't like the movie Napoleon Dynamite.
79. My three least favorite actors ever are Nicholas Cage, Adam Sandler, and Jim Carrey. They are all SO terrible and obnoxious.
80. My three least favorite actresses are Kristen Stewart, Anne Hathaway (sorry, Sydnie-Bear!) and Cathy Ireland.
81. If you tell me I look like Kristen Stewart, which people often do, I will harm you. Badly.
82. My favorite webcomics are Order Of The Stick, Looking For Group, xkcd, and Cyanide and happiness.
83. I love my Spanish teacher and my Art teacher. They are my favorite. If you don't count Bobby, which I don't because he's more of an observer than a teacher.
84. Although he is in charge of the drama club and the manga club.
85. And yes, I am part of said manga club.
86. I hate Aizen-Sama. With a passion.
87. My favorite items of clothing are my red and blue and black plaid jacket-shirt thing and my converse.
88. My stomach wants me to die.
89. I 'like' two guys right now and I'm pretty sure they both like me back but I really am not looking for a relationship right now. I actually really like being single now :)
90. I hate saying goodbye to you, my dear. I'll make sure this is the last time. If you come back, then you'd better stay. If you don't think we can handle it, then this is it. I'll still love you always.
91. My favorite shape is a perfect circle.
92. Life don't make any sense to me....
93. I really feel like crying right now but I can't because if I did then I'd break my promise and I'd get swarmed with people who would all ask me what's wrong. I hate talking to people about that kind of stuff. Haha
94. I am proud of my scars.
95. This morning I slipped on the ice when I was walking to my bus stop. Stupid asshole didn't shovel the driveway at all so it was totally ice. I hope they drive down it, slip on the ice and fucking die. haha I'm nice
96. I've only ever broken one bone and it was my pinky. How pathetic is that?
97. I really dislike Valentine's day.
98. I also really dislike the Twilight Series.
99. I'm almost done!
100. Now I am done :)

That was really hard hahaha
Eat cake
and fly

Thursday, November 25, 2010


I made a promise to myself, then I said it out loud. I told somebody. That was the first time I've ever kept a promise to myself. I didn't break it. :)

I guess it wasn't only for myself. It was partially for someone else but I feel like it was more for me than them. but it doesn't matter. I won't break it. I won't. Promise. :)

So, today is Thanksgiving. I was gonna go out of town but then there was a blizzard warning so we didn't. blizzard my ass! heavy snow and winds for two or so hours. We only got like, four inches of snow! But anyway, I ended up staying in Utah. Which sucks.
I'm not going to do one of those cheesy 'what I'm thankful for' things, but I just want to mention a few people and why I'm thankful for them specifically.

Elsa-You make me laugh :)
Sydnie-You also make me laugh and I can tell you anything ^^
Anton-You opened my eyes so much. Thank you.
Alex-You make my life better in so many ways. I love you soooo fucking much.

Ha yeah. Sorry for being cheesy. I'll stop now. :)

I've got two essays I need to write before Monday but I have absolutely no motivation to do so. Even though I'd fail English and Biology if I don't. Shit. And I'm freaking sick but I can't miss anymore school cuz I've already missed too much. BLEH!!!!


I am kinda completely in love with Adam Lambert so here are some songs of his. God, that boy is sexy.

Super trippy. I wanna watch it while I'm high. :)

David Bowie+Adam Lambert ^^

Now for his own music videos.

this always makes me cry. It reminds me of too much...

This is a really popular song at my school. It's played at all the dances. :)I really love the rocker mad hatter style he's got in the video ^^

This also reminds me of sad things, but it's a really upbeat awesome song. This was his first MV he did too :)

I'm not a huge fan of this video, but whatever. It still has Adam in all his sexyness in it. So it's okay. :)

Okay, it's not Adam Lambert but it's still fa~abulous.

Haha funny. Posting has made me feel a better. :)

I'm done now.
Don't eat turkey!
It's really gross.
You can eat cake, though.
And fly.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


I will be strong for you.
I won't cry for you any more.
Because if I do then you'll be sad, too.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'll stop now.
I promise.

Life's percentage. (taken from Anton's Haus)

Start at 100% and subtract 1% for everything you’ve done.
1. Smoked.
2. Drank alcohol.
3. Cried when someone died.
4. Been drunk.
5. Had sex.
7. Been to a concert.
7. gotten/given a handjob.
8. gotten/given a blowjob.
9. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
10. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or receieved a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex’s house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done serious drugs.
31. Played strip poker/darts.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
40. Been in love.
41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.
51. Watched a person die
52. Kissed and/or messed around somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someones room and/or your own room after being out.
56. Kissed somebody of the same sex.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed goth.
59. Dressed preppy.
60. Been to a motocross race.
61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met a celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.
71. Got caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friends crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.
81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you’d be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over or 3 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore
91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped.
Total: 30%

Oh god... Haha woops ^^;

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The boy, the girl, the end

They were the only ones who could make each other feel that way. She was beautiful and could have whoever she wanted. She chose him. He offered her everything, and could never stand to see her sad. His smile would light up her life. He was a brilliant student, and recieved a job offer from one of the highest after only a year in the academy. He was the best of the best, and she was right behind. But it was that man who pulled him up. The man whose touch turned everything dark. The man who never cared about anything except being on top. The boy accepted the dark man's request, but not for himself. It was always for her. He wished to make the world better. A world where he would never have to see her tears again. He knew she would have to hate him for his path, but he was willing to give it up. He promised himself he'd return to her. He knew she would forgive him once he explained everything. Even if he hated that man, he would keep her in mind. That man's course was the one he had to take for her. He went along with everything the man told him to do. When the time came, he ordered the one beneathe him to attack her, but not to kill her. He knew she would never forgive him until he could see her again. She didn't understand. She had done everything he'd ever wanted. Now it seemed as though he had betrayed her. Why would he do such a thing? Had he never loved her? Had every word he'd spoken been a lie? Her heart was broken, but she carried on. She could not let herself fall. She thought that if she could talk to him, she could bring him back. When the moment was right, she tried. He pushed her back. He didn't want her to get hurt by that terrible man. He knew that if she tried to help him, the man would hurt her. He wouldn't let her get hurt. She could never understand it. She didn't understand until the end. Until it was too late. She would have been able to bring him back, she thought. She knew. She would have been able to, but he had never left. He'd always been with her. And in the end he tried to rebel against that man. He saw that if he let the man go on, she would end up dead. He couldn't let that happen. He tried to steal the man's powers, and he thought he did. But then the man returned. The man returned, and he left. He was gone. She saw all of this, and went to his side. His eyes had finally opened, and then they had closed again. He didn't see her tears, but they came. He wanted to tell her why he had hurt her, but he couldn't. He didn't have to. She already knew. She knew that the last years she had hated him for nothing. He was doing it for her. He wouldn't want her to be sad now, but she couldn't help it. He was gone. The boy who had given her everything, the boy she had given everything too, the boy who had been the only one for her, the boy that she had been the only one for. He was everything to her. Now everything was gone.
Their fairytale never had a happy ending. It was never meant to.
That man destroyed it all.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I miss you...

I wish I hadn't fucked everything up.
I still love you.
Do you still love me?
I know you did.
I hate myself for doubting you.
I wish I coul dhave you back again.
Did you really mean what you said?
Are you really going to try to make things better?
Please do it?
Please help me?
I can't go on without you.
You were everything
Then you were gone.
What did I do?
What can I do?
I miss you.
I wanted to hurt you like this for so long
now I can't stand it.
Am I even hurting you?
I hope I'm not.
Please tell me I'm not?
Not that you tell me anything anymore.
It's been one month since we last spoke.
But you're gone.
Is there any chance of you coming back?
Please say there is.

I'm crying now.
Because I hurt you.
I said all those things.
Don't you know I didn't mean it?
Don't you know I was just pissed off?
It wasn't at you, though. It never was.
You were just there.
It was easy for me to take it out on you.
It always has been.
But if you came back I swear to god
I will never hurt you again
I will never lie to you again
I will never say those things again
I swear to god I won't!

Please believe me?
Please come back?
I fucking miss you.
Will you realize this is for you?
Or will you think it's just another one of my love-struck ramblings about him?
It's not.
It's for you, my dear.
Because I love you more than him.
I always have.
I always will.

You should just know that you're amazing.
You should know that I can't live without you.
You should know that everything I said that day was a lie.
You should know I never felt that way.

once you told me "without you, my life would be so much worse. You are one of my best friends and should anything like that happen to you I may not be able to go on"
Can't that still be true?
I miss being a part of you.
I miss talking to you everyday.
I miss having you a part of my life.

I miss you.
I miss you so much.
It hurts so badly.
I can't stop crying.


I love you.
I always have.
I always will.
I promise.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

OK Go - Get Over It

Is Damien Kulash (the lead singer) not yummy as hell?
Plus, I've been wanting to say the message of this song to quite a few people.

I'll post the rest of the drama when I'm not so pressed for time
Lots of love!
Eat cake!


Day one: I flew down to Saint Louis with Daisy and her family. After we checked into our hotel which was totally awesome (IT HAD AN OLD FASHIONED POPCORN MAKER IN THE LOBBY!!!) And then we went to a library concert which was very super fun. :)Then I went to sleep. ^^

Day two: We drove down to Potosi and chilled at the Trout Lodge and made friends and such :) Then there were three more bands that played so I danced and sang a shit-ton and such :)

Day three: There was hardly a break between concerts. It was sooo much fun! After the final concert ended at about 10:30 there was a dance party and it was super fun! I was singing and dancing nonstop so by the end my voice was completely gone and my feet felt like they were going to fall off. I ended up going back to the room around 2:30.

Day four: losing my voice the previous day wasn't a good idea. I had to perform on Sunday and I was like... croaking. haha but I think people had fun anyways. We made them all dance ^^ And we got a most enthusiastic band prize. 'Twas fun! there were even more concerts then... and I lost my voice even more. Then we had a bonfire and it was sooo fun! I drank a tiny bit, but not enough for anyone to notice. So it was okay :)

Day five: I said goodbye to everyone, drove back to Saint Louis and flew home. THE END!

haha it was a superfabulous weekend. That was last weekend, by the way.

So, when I got back to school on Tuesday (sad face) people started pissing me off. but more on that later, cuz the bell just rang.

eat cake!

Monday, November 1, 2010


It isn't over yet!!! YES!!! haha...

I am not actually in a good mood. I want to bitch someone out. I want to get in a fight and beat the shit out of someone either verbally or physically. FUCK! who can I scream at? Who can I hurt? Nobody. FUCK!!!! I wanna get high and forget about life. I wanna forget about everything. I need to let all this shit go and start over.

I came here to forget and start over. Where can I run to now? Where can I hide? Shit....

This wasn't what I wanted. This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. But nothing ever really works anymore. I was forced to say goodbye so many times and I just can't take it anymore. Everyone ends up going away in the end. I need to accept that and move on. But I can't. I never could. I'm too fucking weak! I've always been too weak and it will never change. I hate myself for it. I hate my self for changing. I hate myself for forgiving. I hate myself for accepting you. I hate myself for letting you go. Above all, I hate myself for hating you. I hate how weak I am. I hate how understanding I am. I hate how forgiving I am. I hate how caring I am. I hate everything about me! I'm my own worst enemy. I can't live with all this shit I've done but I have to. I can't take myself away from you like that. I can't give up like that. I can't hurt you like that again.

I can't say goodbye.

I just think you should know that I love him and you are amazing. I miss so you so much and I want you back. Would you come back if I asked? Probably not. You seem happier without me, but that's okay. I just can't stop thinking about how happy we were. How safe I felt in his arms. Nothing could touch me. Then he was gone. You just left me. Why? Don't you know I love you? Come back, god dammit!
Fuck you... You broke my heart. I trusted you and you broke my heart. Why would you do that to me? Why would he do that to me? I love him.... No, it is not past tense. Yes, it still remains true. I love you. Can they hear me? I will say it louder. I LOVE YOU!

Wait... Why are they turning away? What did I do?

Why am I all alone again?


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

boys are silly

Following is a conversation between my friend and the guy she has a crush on. I'm 90% he likes her too, even though it may not seem like it in this conversation.

Oh hey, what's up?
Nothing much.
Well, guess what?
My class just won a competition in Cedar City, which was so great because I love
Shakespeare, right, and theater is like, my freaking life! It was so great!

Ummm, yeah, it was awesome. It was pretty much the best thing that's happened to me in a while.
Uhhhh... so I also got a solo in musical theater?
And also I'm going to the moon, becoming the president of the US, going on Broadway, getting married to a rockstar, and having fifty children. We're gonna live on Mars.

I just had to post it. It made me laugh so hard. Shows how enthusaistic straight boys are! XD
Eat cake!
and fly!

Sunday, October 24, 2010


please just... don't. I've got so much shit going on right now and I don't need ANYTHING else.
Please just fuck off.
Please just leave me alone!
Please understand when I say no
please understand I never intended anything else
Please let me go
Please do it.
For me.

FUCK YOU!!!! aaah! what the hell is wrong with you??? GAH!!!!!!!!!

Do you realize how much it hurts whe you walk away from me? Do you know how much my heart breaks every god damn time you refuse my help? I get that you're going through a lot of shit and I am too, but I just want to help. Don't mess up what we had. Please. I want it back. I want to go back to those days and never let anything change. You know, there was a time we were happy. There was a time when being with you made me feel safe. I had even started to let my walls down. And then you left. Just like that. There was no warning, you were just gone. And then you made me feel like I wasn't needed. Like I was never loved by you. And I know it's fucked up but I still love you. I refuse to let go of you. I cling to the hope that one day you'll open your eyes and see how much potential we have. fuck you for breaking my heart. fuck you for turning me down again and again and again. fuck you for letting everyone down. I'm sorry I can't be more help, but you just keep turning away.

Why the hell did she have to come along? She's fucked up my life so much... Breaing my god damn heart again and again and again and again and she doesn't fucking realize. How can she not see the pain in my eyes when I look at her? She's so wrapped up in her own fucking self, it's ridiculous! does she really think she's that wounded? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! What did I ever see in you?

I saw myself, that's what. I saw my pain reflected in your eyes. I could be myself around you because you were the same. We were the same. Then you just dropped me. You threw my heart back at me and said "I don't want this peice of shit anymore." Then when I finally got over you, when I finally stopped crying, you took him away too. You just take and take and take. What have you ever given me? Nothing. nothing but false hope, fake love and imaginary happiness.

I hate you.
Leave me alone.
Get out of my life.

I can't cry. I want to, but I can't. Then I'll have to talk to them. Those fake bitches. They care. They shouldn't, but they do.

Eat cake
Fuck you

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I love it. so much. And spice. Spice is the SHIT!

I got soooo fucked up on tuesday after school and i was relapsing like hell yesterday.

Um, so I don't even kow whats happening with me anymore. I'm pretty sure Imma ask gala out and im pretty sure she's gonna say yes.
I bitched out brandon last night.
I can't relly think.
At all.
my brain is so dead right now.

No it isn't the weed, its the... everything else.

Hmmm.... I hate a lot of people right now. Damn.

ELSA! you just made me vibrate. :)

I don't have much to say, actually. I think I may stop wasting your time.
BUT I'M SO TIRED! and this requires no brain power. And I don't want to fucking work. DAMMT! haha

I guiess I will go.
So eat cake.
And fly.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Why won't they leave me alone?

my mind...
running circles.

People need to leave me the fuck alone right now. And stop telling me things I don't want to hear.

I don't care if you have feelings for me. I don't give a damn if this is it. I can't fucking let you go.

okay, people.

Jules-totally obvious she has a crush on me, but i'm pretending I don't know because, well, I don't have feelings for her like that.
Gala-I may possibly like her but I think I'm good with just being friends
Ashleigh-Somethng is up with her. She's not as.... close as we were. :(
Chucky-I'll admit, I'm not over her. at all. but it was for the best or whatever. But now we're flirting again and we keep talking about hanging out sometime and I'm pretty sure she's with someone and I can't handle another relationship like the last time again.... But i still love her. I don't want to hurt her. I need her to move on. Or for me to move on. FUCK!
Autumn-is kind of a bitchslut. she's w/ louis but she cheats on him allllll the time and she really likes me which makes things slightly awkward.
Louis-he's really nice and damn fiiiine but he was telling brandon that he wants to cheat on autumn because she does it all the time to him, or break up with her but today at lunch he was all over her. Then he was hitting on gala. What is going through his head? I have no clue.
brandon-I don't even know....
mara-I kind of dislike her now. She fucking cheated on Christian. really obviously too. oh, but of course she feels bad about it, and they're still fucking together. what the hell? She was sucking another dude's dick and he decides to turn a blind eye on that? growl. haha.Except that I don't dislike her. I still love her. FUCK!

I realize that last bit was rather hypocritical of me to be bitching about, but I don't really give a fuck. I honest to god have changed now and will NEVER cheat again. it's hell. too much worrying and shit.... ugh! ha

so, perhaps I should work on my very important paper? no. I am finished. Perhaps I should go to bed? no, I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping. Perhaps I should watch Naruto or Deathnote? Oh man... descisions are hard. ^^
Either way imma go. prolly to watch Naruto. god i'm a dork... :-/
so eat cake
be a dork
and fly

ohmygawd! I just found VK on hulu! WIN!!!!!!
such a dork....

This was supposed to be posted last night at about midnight. But then my computer spazzed, so I had to do it today.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

woop-dee fucking doo...

Everything and everyone needs to just go away.
They need to leave me the fuck alone.

Get out of my head.
I hate you...

quit fucking with my mind.

I dislike people. Even more than I normally do. Like, right now I'd be perfectly content to take a few people with me and hide with them in a corner. Forever and ever. It would be nice, I think. haha

Let's see...

I also fucking hate when people lie to me. Like, if a majority of people hate it I fucking loathe it. If you lie to me, bitch, you are as good as dead to me.


I'm so pissed off right now.
I don't know.
I really shouldn't be.
I have no reason.

Actually I do have a reason.
but they're just fucking assholes.
Who should die.
But I can't get them out of my head
I love them both.
I'm still crazy about them.
And now they're together behind his back.
no, not behind.
right in front.
with his love notes.
and holding hands.
it drives me crazy
it drives him insane.





eat cake, but not too much.
fly, but try not to fall.
be loved but don't love.
forget it all.
give up.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


those were my emotions going boom. So much shit is happening!

You prolly already know I'm single again. I've been meaning to post but I have like no time to do so. Lots of shit is happening there and basically I really want him back but I'm waiting because he needs time to think. He was telling me last night that he's really stressed about a lot so I figure the best I can do is just be there for him and wait.

I talked to Anton last night.... didn't go so well. I'm less pissed at him now, and more pissed at myself.

"Okay. So everything has been so messed up for the longest time and this is the last straw i think but it's like he was a huge part of me then he was just gone and I kept blaming him but it's really both of our faults and i don't know if i can fill the part of me that's so empty now and i miss him so much but i don't miss what we are i miss what we were because we were so close but now it's just... Nothing. I hate it! I can't stand letting people go! And i know it might be for the best or whatever but it still hurts like hell... I wish things never changed! ever!"

that's what I said to Elsa last night... I don't know if any of it makes sense, but whatever.

So, that conversation with anton ended up with us still not talking and me crying my eyes out...

Anywho, yesterday afterschool I went to Gala's house with her and Ashleigh and got super fucked up and we ate frosting and made out and watched Road to Eldorado an had a lot of fun.

So my life has pretty much been stress, tears and school lately. woohoo.
Lots of love to all of you!
eat cake!
and fly!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

With tears in her eyes
She whispers “I’m fine.”
But you know she isn’t alright.

So try to get close
Say you love her the most
Maybe she won’t give up on life.

But if she pulls away
And tells you not to stay
She just wants you to be okay

Just try to be strong
Don’t let go; please hold on
Just be patient and wait day by day

With her fucked up mind
She wastes all her time
Bring herself so far down

So if you could lift her head
Better than being dead
Don’t give up on playing the right sound

When you’ve done the most
She won’t be just a ghost
She will shine like she once did

She will bloom like a flower
The most wonderful hour
She will no longer feel the need to be hid

I love you!
Eat cake!

Thursday, September 30, 2010


I didn't really know you, but I wish I had. I hope that wherever you are now you are happy.
You know, I've always kinda had a crush on you. You were really cute.
I remember you let me and Quin borrow your peice once. It was really pretty!
And when you signed me and Sydnie up for the talent show without asking haha

Shit, I'm gonna miss you.
Not like I'd ever see you again, but still it hurts.

I love you,man. I hope you're at peace.

RIP Alec Hendrickson

Monday, September 27, 2010

If you so choose

Feel the vibrations dance through your veins. Feel the terror leap to your heart, clinging, gripping, holding on. Free your mind. Clear your life of all thought. Devoid of all good deeds, I come before you. Without sin, I stand before you. I am as new to this world as a child. I am as broken and decrepit and alone as we all are. Push me down again, if you so decide. Or simply let me slip through your fingers and destroy myself, as you know I will. This is your moment to play god. All you have worked towards is crumbling, and you know full well if I try to fly away, my wings will get caught in the tide. Now let my words be your world. Add the flow to your life. Pull the broken hearted down, push the stars away. This temptation colors your life in the most violent shades of red and blue and justice. Is that what you think of yourself? That's not at all what you are. Freak shows and fire are everything you know or want or need or feel or love. So fill blank slates I lay before your sons and daughters with images of your ideal world, then watch as they burn. See how I can crush your hopes and dreams and wishes and wants and needs with a single snap. Hold them in your heart, if you wish. Breathe the smoke of evolution, revolution, constitution, prostitution and lies. Inhale life once again.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The end

Day 10: 10 last words
1. I love you
2. I'll miss you
3. I'm sorry
4. I forgive you
5. Don't give up
6. There's no point in wishing
7. You cannot change the past
8. Move on with your life
9. Don't waste time
10. You mean more to me than you will ever know


Saturday, September 25, 2010

day 9

Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart
1. be a dork
2. be funny
3. be unashamed
4. accept my help
5. and help me in return
6. keep my secrets
7. trust me
8. support me
9. don't lie about big things
10. love me for who I am

eat cake
and fly

Friday, September 24, 2010


Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
1. Aftermath, Adam Lambert
2. Behind these hazel eyes, Kelly Clarkson
3. Anything Coldplay
4. If only, some ausie band I can't remember the name of
5. Hurt, Johnny Cash cover by Nine Inch Nails
6. Lullaby, extended version, The Cure
7. Anything Duran Duran
8. I am so sad. I am so very very sad, Crash and the Boys XD
9. The Reason, Hoobastank
10. love the way you lie, Rhianna and Eminem

Brandon is in New York. He comes back on Tuesday. I miss him. :(

Now I must do my biology paper, because I did it last night THEN I FUCKING LOST IT!!!!!!! GROWLLL!!!!!!!!! It took me THREE HOURS and was SIX FUCKING PAGES LONG!!!! then boom! gone! GRRRRRRRR...........

so eat cake
and fly
and don't lose your IRSEs

Thursday, September 23, 2010

So hungry!

Day 7: 10 important people
1. Alex L.
2. Gala Marie
3. Daisy
4. My mother, even thought she's sometimes a bitch
5. My poodle baby. Yes, he is a person.
6. Ashleigh
7. Cindy
8. Sydnie
9. ....Someone whose name I shant put cuz then people would think I'm weird ^^;
10. Tawni

AAH! Brandon is out of town till tuesday. Sad panda!

I really hate individual study... and today it's long block. FML! haha

soo... I have nothing to say.

eat cake.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


Oh man. So much has happened. But first!

Day 6:10 items you can't live without
1. My cell phone
2. My computer
3. My radio
4. ipod
5. water
6. air
7. foods
8. painkillers
9. Anime
10. Manga

SO! stuff that has happened....

Last night I talked to Mara and I told her everything about Scott/Brandon and she said it was okay with her and so now I'm with Scott/Brandon. Who are the same person, by the way. He just has two names he goes by. And he's super cute.

So, I have nothing more to say. I think. Cause I'm fucking tired. Cause I stayed up till 3 and got up at fucking 5.
anrgy face.

so eat cake
and fly

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Day 5: 10 wishes
1. That I still knew you
2. That I wasn't such a... bleh
3. That you would stop killing yourself
4. That she had told me sooner
5. That I had some fucking weed
6. That I wasn't sicky :(
7. That I knew what to do
8. That you give up
9. That I didn't have biology... or that my biology homework was done
10. That I could listen to music right now

So, lots have happened.

1. I thought Mara was going to break up with me
2. She didn't
3. Then she did
4. I was actually pretty okay with it
5. I ate a bunch of ice cream anyways
6. Then I ate chocolate
7. Then I took a bath
8. Then I went on Facebook
9. I started chatting with Scott
10. He told me he likes me and
11. I really like him but
12. Because of obvious reasons, I don't want to be in a relationship right now
13. I told him this
14. He was cool with it
15. Today has been kinda awkward.
16. I'm kinda confused.

BLEH! aaaaah haha

so I think what I'm gonna do is wait a while, maybe a few weeks and then talk to Mara. Cuz for some reason I feel really guilty about this whole thing even though it isn't my fault.

So eat cake
and fly

Monday, September 20, 2010

Thirty things

....cuz I missed two days.

Day 2: 10 things you love
2.My friends
3. strawberries!
4. My poodle baby
5. Weed...
6. computers
7. music
8. Adam Lambert <3 <3 <3
9. Realms of Inquiry
10. Anime and manga

Day 3: 10 things you hate
1. Overly negative
2. overly optimistic people
3. the 'Twilight' series
4. Most country music
5. Most rap music
6. Time
7. Emotions
8. That people need to sleep
9. Raw onions
10. Math class

Day 4: 10 things you want to say to one person
1. I love you
2. I miss you
3. I still have your bra :)
4. You still have my hat :P
5. I wish you weren't growing so distant
6. I wish you had never changed schools
7. I'm still jealous of you :)
8. I would still give my life for you
9. I was going to call you the other night but I thought I'd just be bugging you
10. You have no idea how many times you've changed my mind about suicide without even realizing it.

AAH! haha

now I'm really sad. :( but that's okay.

So, I thought Mara was going to break up with me yesterday, but today she told me she wasn't so now I'm a happy camper again. :D

hehe he's a spaz.

now I must go.... possibly to work? possibly. Probably not, though.

eat cake

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Oops :)

I didn't post today or yesterday because I was out of town, and now I have no time. Sad face!

So I will post tomorrow with those things I missed and such. happy face!

eat cake!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

not yet dead!

Hey! I can't really post right now cuz I really REALLY need to do homework.

so... nostalgia sucks. a lot. I really really REALLY REALLY REALLY hate it and today it made me cry in front of a bunch of people and it was really embarassing and @#!*% but yeah... haha

I miss you. lots. I want you to come back to me. I want it to be how it was. I want you to be okay again and to be able to tell me everything and know that I trust you with my life and I wish I could say a final goodbye...

I hate wanting to trust somebody, or wanting to love somebody but not knowing if they'll trust or love you back and so you don't know what to do because you want to but the worst feeling in the world is finding out that your love and support meant nothing to them....

Mi amiga did the whole ten things thing and I thought I'd give that a try so here it goes. :)

Day 1: 10 things about you
Day 2: 10 things you love
Day 3: 10 things you hate
Day 4: 10 things you want to say to one person
Day 5: 10 wishes
Day 6: 10 items you can’t live without
Day 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart
Day 10: Final 10 words

so day one, ten things about me.
1. I have become more antisocial this year and it's weird but I don't really mind
2. My doggy is my baby. I love him with my whole heart.
3. my whole family is freaking insane. like, legit insane. it's crazy.
4. I'm bisexual and have known this for.... a long time
5. I have severe depression issues, but I take pills for it
6. I call said pills my happy pills. ^^
7. I have a lot of bears and a few Kitties and puppies
8. I am incredibly passive agressive and I don't really like it
9. Strawberries are my favorite thing in the whole world. ever.
10. I am utterly obssesed with manga and anime and am right now reading both bleach and vampire knight.

So yeah. :)

I want my phone back but in order to do that I need to do math. which I suck BALLS at.

SAD FACE! haha

so now I shall go.
I'll post tomorrow though.
maybe. :)

eat cake.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


...I am way too tired to think. Even thought I have many many many things to say.

lets start with people i have been meeting!

Mayra- She's really cool and her family is really fucked up and today she tried giving a speech in English class about her father dealing drugs and how hard it is on the family and she burst out crying and couldn't finish it and I really really wanted to hug her but I couldn't until after class.

Cindy- She's cool. i used to like her but now I don't because.... i have a girlfriend! haha she's awesome though. Me and her and mara (not to be confused with mayra) hung out afterschool today. twas fun.

Gala- she's really cool. I can really be myself around her and I tell her a lot and she's really chill. :)

Jules- She's silly! haha she's really cool too and I love her. :)

MARA!!!!!! my girly ^^ I love her!!!!!! WITH ALL MY HEART!!!!! she's the best. ever. in the world. :)

in two days imma have my birthday party and in three days imma be 15!!! i'm stoked. haha

anyways. I must go sleep now.
eat cake.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


Today, I was texting one of my new friends I made at school, and I told her I was bi. She told me she was too, and we talked for a bit, then she asked me who i liked and i told her, and asked her who she liked and she said Hope (who, I admit, is gorgeous ^^) and then she said that she thought I was super gorgeous and it made me reaaaaaally happy because I kind of like her too but I didn't tell her and I kinda flirted with her and we talked about ex's and current boyfriends and we're both kinda in the same situation where we're not supposed to see or talk to our boys and shit (did I mention that in my last post?) but i'm doing better with it than she is 'cuz I wanted to break up with quin in the first place. any-who I kinda really like her a lot. :)

aaaaand.... thats it? only cuz I'm tired.
eat cake!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Dear Dr. Laura

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

I thought this was really funny, so I had to share it.
I'm done posting for today now! :)

The little dog's emotions

They are his own. You cannot control his laughter. :)

He would say he was okay
He would always lie this way
He had always felt so lost
He forgot he had a heart
He wanted someone to help
He didn't know it was okay to ask
He wished he knew
He wondered what he was and who
He thought death would end the pain
He didn't know people would feel that way
He was gone, they were sad
He'd hurt them oh so bad
He didn't even want to know
He just got lost in the flow
He's now gone, and her heart aches
He thought he was stopping the breaks
He had just caused more pain
He just made it rain, rain, rain
He would say he was okay
He would always lie this way
He always felt so lost
He'd forgot he had a heart

You can use me
You can't break me
You can play me
You can't fake me
You can try me
You can't take me
You can kick me
You can't shake me
You can hold me
You can't do me
You can lie to me
You can't fool me
You can touch me
But not truly
You can order me
You can't rule me
You can tell me
You can't show me
You can ask me
You can't know me
You can push me
You can't throw me
You can help me
You can't grow me
I am weak
I am strong
I let go
I hold on
I break down
I move on
I am still here
But I'm long gone

Now, poems by a Salamander! They are truly amazing. :)

"this isn't my form."
"i don't know. I need to know. I don't belong."
"you do. You always do. You make the other children jealous"
"i don't mean to. They are just slower"
"slower to dream?"
"slower to dream, slower to see..."
"slower to be."
"lost in wonderland..."
"you have not your mind."
"seeing the branches..."
"finding your kind."
"always the sun."
"always a thief."
"casting a shadow."
"beyond belief."

Thick strobe-lights invade my space
A frightening myth by the human race
Heaven calls to me and says
"please come, for now you're dead
You must think it's just your head
But i assure you, you are quite dead"
"no!" i say, and i say it well
"i'm leaving now, i shall not dwell!
Leave me be, with all your light,
You frighten me, beyond the quite!"
"fine, you blibbering blabbering swine!
Without you, we'll do just fine.
So float around in outer-space,
Ignore your kind
And creed
And race!
Goodbye forever, tiny being,
Just try and go without meaning!"
Luminescent, terrible
Heaven's just unbearable
Heaven, heaven,
Go away
Don't come back
Another day.

I see these branches bare,
And wild eyes--blue and fair
I feel the wind off beating wings
And striking plumage made for kings
But most of all i feel the soul
The shake and hum and baw and roll
Ragmatical like this and that
Wild as an avadat

A bird of such stature
The great fly-catcher
By the body-snatcher
Taken by a strange obsession
To say words with such aggression
Repeat again
Say it to the wind my friend
Took her hold
As i was told
Oh so cold

They were for a school project we did and they are fabulous. :)

Any-who, lots have happened. I started school! It's actually quite fun. I've been making friends pretty easily like I always do, I'm struggling in math, like I always do... MEH! haha

Me and chucky broke up *tear tear*. but that's okay, I guess.

I don't want to be with quin any more but the only times I can see him are once a week on thursdays when I visit realms. BLEH!

I'm too tired to think right now. :)

eat cake.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Oh dear lord...

Hello, friends! :)

So, last week was the last week of YTU (tears!) so I was busy with performances and stuff. On Wednesday, the plays were It's a Good Life, Charlie Brown which was slightly terrible but one of my friends was in it and she was pretty good, then there was The Crucible, which was incredibly depressing, but Ben was in it and so was a super sexy German. It was really awesome. Then they put on Exit the King which was hysterical but then it got really depressing and freaky really fast... So it was good :) The next night they did plays that I don't remember Then the last night, my group performed and did very well, according to people, and the it was Hamlet which had most of my friends in it, including my new gay bff (sorry Anton! I still love you with all my heart!)and then there was some stupid thing with vampires and werewolves, which I didn't see (thank god) and then a creepy musical, a play about censorship that was freaking hilarious and the melodrama which was some funny cheesy detective comedy thing :)

So after the plays on Thursday and Wednesday some of us got Andrew and Laurent to make out for chocolate and I got a video the second time and they were super into it and I think they should get together. but the second night we were all really caught up in the moment and I ended up making out with Ben's girlfriend and Ben was right there and it was slightly awkward at first but then he hugged me and told me i'd made his life complete. They are an odd couple. Anyways, at the afterparty on Friday we started making out again and Ben took pictures this time and put them on Facebook (after asking us both if it was okay and making the pics only visable to me, him and Alex.) But then my parents read through my texts and got fairly pissed (not as much as I would have thought) and all they really did was dissable my Facebook. I wouldn't even mind that much but that was the only way I could contact my elsa bear TEARS!

On Saturday, I went to a goodbye party for one of my YTU friends who was moving too Portland and it was pretty boring until Aaron put a grapefruit down his pants on a dare and couldn't get it out. Then when he finally got it out (only after Annie took some really funny pics) he chucked it into the street and it broke and Kirby tried to throw it at him and ended up hitting me which kinda turned into an epic grapefruit battle. Twas very fun.

So on Thursday, I found out that Quin was busted for something and he is now under house arrest or something like that and it pissed me off quite a bit, I don't exactly know why, but I decided that I'm going to stay with Chucky instead.

So now I am done.
Eat cake.
I love you!

Monday, August 2, 2010

sleep deprived and too damn hot

I fucking hate Summer. With a passion. It is quite literaly hell. I really don't have much to say but I figured I should try to get back in the habit of posting regularly, so here is a poem for you!

With tears in her eyes
she whispers I'm fine
but you know that she's not okay

There's no turning back
once you've turned away
so choose carefully what you say

The hurt she holds back
fights and attacks
and she's dying to show her real face

The worst part of all
nobody catches her fall
and she throws up those walls in disgrace

Stone by stone, brick by brick
help her out through thin and thick
and hold her head up high

Because my hurt is so much
I won't let anyone touch
or help me when I cry

I'll try to hold my ground
I'll try to turn you around
I won't give in without a fight

I don't want to be alone
nor do I want to sit on any throne
I just want to know someone cares

I will play hard to get
but it's not over yet
So please, would you just be there?

So now I'm going to go sleep.... or something.

eat cake.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

fun stuff :)

Today has been fabulous :D

I snuck out of my house at midnight and I walked down to the Westminster college campus and met up with my yummy Quin (he cut his hair and it's all short and curly and adorable ^^) and then we hung out and smoked a bit and such and it was fun :)

Then I got home about... 1:00? and I fell asleep and maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was high, but I had a fabulous dream :D

So, I have been really busy with theater but I'm super excited to go shopping with my lovely anton and then go see a crappy local band concert.... haha it will be fun.
That's also my sister's birthday. she is turning 16 in 2 days... it's kinda odd...

I turn 15 in a month and two weeks :D I'm excited!

I really love my theater group. it's me, Autumn (an AWESOME girl whose going to school with me next year) Annie, (a tiny asian chick whose really dramatic and awesome) Vannessa (dumb blonde, but really sweet) Jaxon and Josh who both have a crush on me I think... it's awkward since I really don't like either of them like that. Today me Jaxon and Autumn were doing a scene and I was filming and Jaxon put on one of those trash covers and he was pretending to be someone dressed up like R2D2but he ended up looking like a giant dildo XD

Also, today was one of my other YTU friend's bday so we all went down to The Pie and ate food and I made a cake for her and we tried being clean but it failed epically and I was super ninja and caught it before it killed Autumn's pants and it was awesome.

And even the bitchy teacher was nice to me! YAY!!!! :D

Eat cake!

Monday, July 26, 2010


I really miss people. Hell, everybody. Sydnie, Chucky, Quin, Alex, Jessie, Elsa, GAH!

What is wrong with me? Why is my brain so messed up? I kinda hoped that my pills would fix everything. Poof! I'm better. They work okay, I guess. I'm not quite as suicidal as before, and I guess that was the point....

I went up to my friend's grandparent's cabin in the mountains over the weekend. It was fun. On the 24th of July a lot of people came up and got really drunk and sang and played guitar. :)

I am so fucking exhausted! I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in three weeks, since theater started.

Can I curl up and sleep forever? Then I'm not dead but I don't have to deal with people any more. I think it would work out :)

I've been in a really shitty mood lately. Chucky's going out of town on wednesday and she's busy from now until then and I really need to talk to her or whatever but I can't and BLEH!!!!!!!!!!!

I want my bears.

I feel like crying. I don't even know why.

Haha I finished watching FMA and oh my god it is so awesome! In the manga version, they didn't have Al and May falling in love but they included it in the anime and it made me happy. and kinda creeped out since she's like... 10 and he's 14.... but thats okay. it was cute. :)

sooo... I think I'm going to take a nap now since my brain is shriveling up. Or maybe I shall watch DeathNote. :D

Eat cake.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

And she said stop.
And he didn’t listen.
And she cried.
And he didn’t care.
And she fought.
And he fought harder.
And she died.
And he buried her.
And she’s gone.
And he pretended to care.
And she knows.
And he doesn’t.
And she can’t forgive him.
And he won’t let her.
Because she said stop.
Because he didn’t listen.
Because it all ended wrong.

When I can tell you are upset and not telling me why it hurts
When you are crying inside, but won’t let me in it hurts.
When you are drowning but you won’t grab the lifeline I throw it hurts.
When I see you falling but you won’t hold on it hurts.
When we are one but you are another it hurts.
When your world burns and you keep throwing oil it hurts.
When you can’t breathe and won’t let me touch you it hurts.
When you hold my heart in your hands and don’t even realize it hurts.
When I mean nothing to you it hurts.
When you ignore me it hurts.
When you lie it hurts.
When you don’t care it hurts.
When I know it makes you happy it hurts.
When I know it makes you happy it’s okay.

All I have
Are memories
And they
Make reality
Even more

You wondered
I cut
I do
In the end
Deserves happiness
Is good

These scars
I am
I’ve become
I’m loosing

I don’t
Of this
And it will
Go away
I need it to

Are all
I have
Too much

Eat cake.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


....That was me explodig from lack of sleep and stress and a whole lot of shit. :)

Let's see... Last post was about that day I snuck off with Quin. I was going to go to talk to him because I want to straighten it all out but that didn't work out and I ended up getting high and losing my social abilities for a really long time.

I'm starting to think that after all this shit I should just break up with both Quin and Chucky, but I don't know if I actually will.

I am going to break up with Chucky either way, I think. I just feel like after treating her like shit, even if she doesn't know it, I'm just not worth it. Well, I know I'm not. I haven't been able to see her though and even if I were heartless enough to break up with her via text I don't have my phone. It got taken yet again when I was a bitch to my dad. I get it back on Sunday though :)

I don't know if I'll break up with Quin or not though... I know some of my friends *coughcoughANTONcoughcough* don't like him because of drugs and such but I like him... It's weird though becuase I don't even know where I stand with him. Bleh. Plus my parents are going to talk to him and his parents about 'the rules' and shit and it's going to be mortifying as fuck.

Anton is in town and it's a tiny bit awkward especially since my parents think I still waqnt to fuck him and I think he does too but I don't. I pinky promise :D

So I've been going to theater school and there's this guy there who is really hot and I'd screw him in a second but he has a girlfriend and they're, like, the really cute emo* couple and she's really sweet. But the other day I found out that she's cheating on him and I was completely shocked because they are always together and they always seem so happy when they're together and it just came out of nowhere.... Anyways, he really loves her and doesn't want to leave her but everybody is saying that even though she's really sweet, she's not worth it and today I *think* he was flirting with me in front of her to make her jealous and it made me sad.

So, this whole thing with Ben (mr.emo*) and Alex (ms.emo*) made me realize what I would be doing to Chucky which is why I decided to dump her. That sounds slightly harsh but.... meh!

I met this girl in YTU (Youth Theater at the U) and she's really awesome and we became pals and then the other day I FOUND OUT SHE'S GOING TO THE SAME SCHOOL I AM GOING TO NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!!!! It made my life better haha :D

So, this post has kinda been long but there's a lot of stuff happening and such so yeah :)

Lots of love to you all!
Eat cake!
Fly! (hahaha, Cindy XD)

*They are technically goth, but they are often mistaken for emo and I tease them about it. :D

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I've been grounded for a week which means no posts. I'm sorry I didn't post sooner but I didn't have anything to say and now I do and it got me my internet taken from me. my dad hasn't changed the password yet though, so this will be the last post for a week :(

Anyways I have decided what-or rather, who-I want.
I think?

I'll post more on this later but now I must go!
I love you all!

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Good bye! :)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I just wish somebody would have told me when I was in the same position.
I just wish somebody would have told me how wrong I was.
Someday you'll thank me.
I hope.

You've always had a hard time of admiting when you were wrong.

I'm not going to cave in this time. My will is not going to break. It always has before but now it's your turn. Your turn to feel guilt. Your turn to apologize. Your turn to fix it.

Do you even know how?

This is a test. This is a quiz. But there is just one question. There is just one right answer. If you succeed, you win. If you fail, you lose. Simple as that.

I don't think you know the answer. Do you even know the question? Do you even hear what I say to you? Or does it fall out your ears, like it always seems too.

You said you're tired of being treated like you don't care. Now you knwo how I feel.

You said you're tired of being treated like you don't care. Wasn't that your intention? To not care?

You said you're tired of being treated like you don't care. Show you do.

I have cried. I have worried. I have hated. I have feared.
You have made me cry and worry and hate and fear.

Do you even want to win? Do you even care if you lose? You don't seem like you do.

Is it so unfair? Is it so unfair that after having all the fights, I am always the one who apologizes. Have you ever said sorry to me? Have you ever even noticed when I wasn't around? I have always fixed it.

So good bye? Is this it? After everything, this seems too simple.

Monday, June 21, 2010


You're not as wounded as you think. You've been through some hard shit , yeah, but this is NOT worth tearing yourself up over! You refuse to be happy! You refuse to open your god damn eyes and see how much everybody loves you! Yeah, I've been "off" the past week or so but thats because I'm tired beacause I've stayed up night after night after night trying to fix your life. Worying about you.

You can handle the bigger things, like devorce and shit , well but when it comes to little stupid shit you fall apart! You say you aren't in love with him but you are! you haven't even met the guy and you're crazy about him! You tell me you just "like him a lot" but nobody gets this beat up over somebody who they just "like a lot".

You drive me insane because you act so depressed. Like everything is out to get you. Grow the fuck up! All you ever do is focus on the bad things in your life. I've told you again and again to focus on the good things, too. What's your response? THERE ARE NO GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE! how full of shit can you be? Can't you see how much I love you? Or does it just nto register when I say it. Every day. You're parents may be fucked up, but at least you have them! At least they give you freedom. At least they don't beat you. At least they care. And all your friends! you have these people who you can lean on, no matter what, and you take us all for granted! You don't want to learn the hard way. You don't want to learn like I did.

Last year I hated myself. I hated my body, my attitude, my hair, my smile. I hated everything. I was so jealous and I made my life hell. But I had Jessie and Alex who stood by my side the whole time. they didn't give up on me, even when I seemed so hopeless. Even though it hurt them, too, to see me so depressed and hateful. I didn't know then, but now I do. I'm sorry for putting them through all this @#!*% you're putting me through now.

I want to hate you. All you've ever done is hurt me again and again and again. All you ever do is keep secrets, even though I try to tell you everything about myself. You've made me want to close up again and again. You've broken my heart, you've put it back together, and now you've broken it again. You've made me hate myself. You've made me hate the world. You've made me hate and hate and hate! I can't stand you!

But I love you too much. You've made me hate but you've also made me love. In a twisted, cruel way, but love nonetheless.

You love me but I have too much doubt. If you did you wouldn't hurt me. If you did you wouldn't lie to me. If you did you would trust me. If you did you would show it.

I'm trying to be patient but I'm honestly at my last straw. I swear to god, if you break my heart one more time I am done with you. I've said it before, but I honestly will this time. I've given you chance after chance after chance and you keep @#!*% everything up and keep expecting another one. Here is your warning.

Unforunatley, I still love you.
And I love all of you too! :)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Home sweet home!

We drove back from Colorado today! Now I'm back home with my doggy again! :D

So lets recap june, shall we?

1- Nada!
2- Feild day/last day of school. Then me and Anne walked to baskin robins and ate a banana split and then went to the dollar theater and watched a movie... I can't remember what movie we saw. I think it was Alice in Wonderland. Then I went to graduation at night. :'(
3-Cleaning my room, packing
4-I was going to go to Pride with Sydnie/Cindy and Chucky but it wasn't going so we sat outside of burger king and laughed and threw money then we skipped down the street with a random gay boy and it was FUN!
5-Drove to Colorado
6-19 I stayed at my Grandma's house and didn't do much except get completely addicted to FullMetal Alchemist and hang out with my cousin and such :)
Today- drove home from Colorado.

So lets see.... People in my life...?

Quin- not really talking but I'm accepting it more.
Chucky- I don't know....
Anton- I miss you! lots!
Other people- MEH!
Sydnie/Cindy- Heeheeeheeeeeeeeeee I need you?

hahaha sorry this post kinda sucks but I'm tired as shit and I'm thinking about lots of stuff and I can't get any of it straight so I'm gonna go back and I might post later or I might not...

good-bye and I love you!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Almost good enough

But of course, I never am.

So... I'm still at my grand parent's. woo... I'm leaving in a week. Thank god.

So here's the main reason I wanted to post.

I was talking to Quin on Thursday and we were just flirting and such but he asked me what was on my mind and I told him that I was with Chucky who I love with my whole heart and I would never EVER cheat on her but I didn't want to just tell him to fuck off because I like him too. he said he was sorry for tempting me and I shouldn't have flirted back because I was sending him the wrong message and I told him I know and I apologized too and we talked a little about cheaters and players and we decided not to hang out any more because we're both really into each other and like I said I will NEVER EVER cheat on my Chucky. after a while he said "I think itd prolly be best if i jus didnt talk to you or see you.. im gonna try an vent.. bye cate goodluck.. tell tha fucker hes lucky for you.." and then I just broke down. I haven't talked to him since then and I really really REALLY fucking miss him and I've pretty much gone all depressed again but it's weird cuz... I should be happy. I should be glad I'm not tempted to even think about cheating on my Chucky but I feel guilty for hurting Quin and sad because I miss him like jesus fuck.... GAH!!!

What is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be happy? Why aren't I?


So other then that my stay here has been pretty.... bleh. I don't really do anything except hang out and watch FullMetal Alchemist (WHICH I TOTALLY RECOMEND!!!! If you're into annime....) and obbsessing over Colonel Roy Mustang and Uryu Ishida who are both amazing Anime Characters... I also read and listen to music. That's about it. I watched Alice in Wonderland again. Twice. That's like.... 5 times I've seen it.

I also realized that teenage boys are much more fun to hang out with than teenage girls. The girls are stupid and annoying, the boy are stupid and funny. :)

Hmmm... I have not much else to say. Ohyeah, conflicts mentioned in the last post have all been resolved and shit so yeah. Now good bye!

Aaaaand I love you!

P.S. Tell me what you think of the new colors. I like black and red and blue together, but yeah! <3

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Ok, really super quick post. I had other things planned but then I left and I won't be back for a while which means I wont have real computer access here. I mean, I have access but I'm at my Omi and Opa's so I feel kinda bad for using the computer even though I mostly shut myself away in my room and read or something.

So... um... What has been happening? I am ruining a lot of stuff and being selfish and stupid and unusually stubborn, but I'll write about that when I get back in two weeks.

I fucking hate it here. Everybody is so fake. They fake their perfect lives in their perfect houses that all look alike with their perfect spouses and perfect children and perfect jobs.... It drives me insane! Think Holden Caulfield or Margo Roth Spiegleman... If you've read those books.

I'm getting depressed again, but I'm trying really hard to keep my head above water. I don't want to drown again, like last year....

Or Carmen, if I chose to stick to her code name or whatever, but I've decided to kinda discard those because they confused me a tad bit. I'm still debating using CINDY though... (CUZ I LOVE YOU!!!!)

So Quin has been really incredibly flirty lately and last night he was telling me that no matter how many other people we see I'm still his.... I decided I'm just going to laugh it off and act like he's joking. I do NOT want to cheat on my Chucky. I love her a lot.

My temper has been really short, and it would take way too long to tell all of my arguments so I'm gonna do that in two weeks if I can remember them all!

Lots of love and I am not dead-ness!

Thursday, June 3, 2010


In this big scary world. I was somewhere I felt safe. I was somewhere I was comfortable. I decided to leave it.

It's like I've been running in circles for four fucking years and now I'm going somewhere.... Am I going forward, though?
I went to graduation. I ended up hiding downstairs crying....

I know it may seem cheesy and completly cliche, but I want to say goodbye. To all my classmates, to the graduating class, to the teachers and to my school in general....

***MY CLASS****

Anne- You are so sweet and adorable. I love you so freaking much! I will NOT EVER loose touch with you. EVER.

Ariel- I know I got very mad at you and kinda pretty much treated you like shit, but I do love you. You are sweet and thoughtful and I'm insanely jealous of your hair.

Ben- You're insane. I'm going to miss you lots :)

Julia- People call you stupid but you aren't. You are beautiful and smart and incredibly smart. I'm going to miss your crazy positivity

Michaela- I know you are sad that you're leaving this school, too, but you'll do great at West. You were the person to talk to me when I came to this school and.... I love you so much. I regret not spending more time with you, but I'm grateful to have known you at all. You're amazing!

Mike- I'm gonna miss you're crazy hyperness and funny attitude. You can be a total dick sometimes, but I do love you! Creeper :P

Sammy- God I am going to miss you so much! You are sweet and smart and so freaking amazing! I may have said some things that hurt you during the year, but I take it all back. You're awesome <3

SYDNIE!!!!!!!!!- Cindy hahahahaha I LOVE YOU! I fail epically at wrestling you! Thank you so much for being my best friend this year. And next year, Too. GO TO CITY!!! Or I'll have o hurt you. Not that I could. YOu're so funny and sweet and YOU ARE HOTTTTTTT haha That old man thinks we're a lesbian couple xD I will never ever EVER loose contact with you, okay? I could go on and on about how amazing you are, but I'm lazy and there are other people.... xox!

Zac- i don't even know. You're a crazy drug-addicted.... ha I do love you though. Even if you hate everything about... everything. Be happy, okay?


first off, to all of you-Congratulations!

Alec- You're really cute! haha and smart and funny and why the hell didn't you tell us we were performing until we were there? Ha, it's ok though, I forgive you. Thank god for printers though! haha

Ali- I, personally, think you're a bitch. You annoy the shit outta me. But you're Chucky's best friend so... I guess I love you for making her happy. :)

Audrey- You're very quite so I don't know you very well, but I remember once I was being a hand model for your photography project and you were working with Rhea who has a way of making people open up and be happy and I saw you smile for the first time and you have a gorgeous smile. I like that you don't wear makeup because you have a lot of natural beauty and you're really sweet and I'm gonna miss you. :)

Chris- You are also insanely quiet, but you're my bestest friend ever in the whole wide world even if you don't know it! hahaha half the time I wouldn't even realize you were in the room..... Imma miss you and you must visit so I can torture you some more!

Duncan- Flying Ginger! You are crazy good at soccer! There is something else I want to say here but my sister would kill me! You're also a wicked good actor! I loved you as the wizard and as the vampire-hunter dude with the cool hat. :)

Grace- I will miss you so much! You are funny and sweet and very pretty and you have the most amazing smile! I wish I could have gotten to know you better. <3

Jiyeon- I don't really know you too well because you're all quiet and I had no classes with you but you seem really sweet and nice and I'm gonna miss your nervous giggle you have :)

Katie- I always thought of you as a bitch but you aren't! what Laura said about you in your graduation speech really was true. Out of all the graduating highschoolers, I'm definitely going to miss you most. You must come and visit sometime, ok? ok. <3

Pooreun- I remember when I met you at the auction we had so much in common and we had so much fun together at the bag-selling place! haha I'm gonna miss you lots and lots! Especially your sweet smile, attitude, and everything about you!

Reem- <33333333333333333333333!!!!!!!!!! I'm really glad you didn't succeed in.... yeah. I would have missed you so much! You're so sweet and caring and beautiful and I love you lots! But now you've graduated so I'll miss you lots and lots. Come visit!

Remi- You're stupid as hell and, frankly, I don't know how you graduated highschool. But you're really really sweet and adorable and you've got good taste in guys! haha

I'm sure you'll all do awesome and I'm gonna miss you all lots! xox!

So this was supposed to be published a while ago but I started it and then never finished it until now so here you go!

I love you all SO FUCKING MUCH!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I love you. More then you will ever know. I know I say again and again how much I hate you and tell myself again and again that I'm going to cut you out of my life but, honey, I'd die without you. You're amazing. I love you.

My head is exploding. I want to drown. I want to give up and give in. I want to float away....

What happens to someone after they die? I want to believe that there is a God and that there is a heaven or hell or an afterlife or something... I don't. I think that when you die it's just.... Nothing.
Now you see me, now you don't.
That scares me. I like knowing where I'm going or knowing what will happen and the thought that someday all this love and hate and everything I feel will just be gone.

Today was the last day of school, although we didn't do anything. We have field day tomorrow, but I don't really count that as school.

I'm going to miss it.
So much.
But this is what I want.
Isn't it?

last night, a friend was sad and I wasn't.
I felt bad.
I felt like I was laughing at their pain even though I wasn't. i felt ashamed I wasn't relating to them the way they needed. I felt guilty for seeing things differently.
For being my own person.


Goodbye then.
I love you!

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Hope is useless.
All it does is hurt.
Love is useless.
All it does is hurt.
Wishes are useless.
All they do is hurt.
Dreams are useless.
All they do is hurt.
Everything is useless.
All it does is hurt.
Hope and Love and wishes and dreams
Give you an unrealistic view of reality.
They make you happy
But only momentarily
Because then they crash
And burn
And hurt

When everything is useless
It means you and me are too
Because we are
Because all anybody ever does
Is hate
Is hurt
Is lie
Is steal
Is break
And we pretend we don’t

I cannot understand
Why people want perfection
It is simply hope
It only wishes
It’s just a dream
Because you cannot be perfect
Stop pretending you are
You are just making a fool
Of yourself and everyone else
The ones who believe you
The ones who can’t think for themselves
The ones who can’t see through your lies

All anybody does is lie
Nobody knows the truth
Only what they think is the truth
But it’s always a lie
It’s just what they want to believe
It is all you want
To be wrapped away in a lie

Some have it worse than others
Some truly believe they are the best
Some only hurt others
To make them feel better
To make them seem stronger
To make themselves seem best

I am tired
Of these lies
Of these broken promises
Of the stupid dreams
Of these pointless wishes
Of this useless love
Of this meaningless belief
Of everything

I want to hurt everybody
I want to make them go away
I want to feel alone
I want to stop ruining everything
I want to do something to make it better

So if you are reading this
So if you can hear my voice
So if you try to see into my eyes
I will close
I am going to stop
I won’t be open
I will not tell my feelings
I wish to close my life into darkness
Then nobody can see me
And nobody can touch me
And nobody will want to.

So put away the light
It’s just being wasted
Put away the lies and hate
It’s just hurting yourself
Put away yourself
Fold into nothing
Hide from everything
Just stop being stupid
You know you don’t matter
You know you never will
Stop pretending you do
Stop making yourself feel good

I feel like these words are negative
I believe they are
But the ‘truth’ hurts
And it would
If it existed
If it wasn’t simply opinion
If it was only real

Sometimes I wish
Sometimes I catch myself hoping
Sometimes I can’t help but dream
But whenever I do
I try to stop
Because whenever the sun comes out
It will rain again
And you can dance in the rain
And you can laugh in the rain
And you can pretend it okay
But in your heart you know it’s not

I don’t know what I’m saying
I know exactly what I’m trying to, I think
I think what I’m saying
Is that positivity is stupid
Is that negativity is real
Is that nothing is real
Is that you don’t matter
Is that people are stupid
Is that there’s no truth
Is that life can’t get good
Is that there is no good
Is that you should shut up
Is that you are pathetic
Is that you aren’t right
Is that I hate you
Is that you should too
Is that forgetting is wrong
Is that remembering is wrong
Is that my mind is circling
Is that we don’t matter
Is that we need the truth
Is that I need to think
Is that shutting away is good
Is that belief is pointless
Is that I want to be alone
Is that I will hurt you
Is that I’m sorry.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

End of it all

Everything seems to be ending. This school year, so many friendships I've had, and sometimes I wish my life would too.

School... I hated it so much but now that it is coming to a close I wish that I could go back and tell myself not to take it all for granted. I'm really very lucky to have gone to this school, to knwo these people, and to get this education. I know only one of my classmates reads this blog, but I feel like I should have some sort of goodbye on here.

So goodbye. I will miss you all, and I will remember all of you for at least some period of time but I cannot garantee forever. I will try though, because I'll miss you like crazy =)

Friends... The people I consider my best friends-Rene, Anton, Cindy.
Rene- Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. You are truly a miracle. I cannot tell you how damn lucky I am to know you. I know you think you aren't good enough sometimes, but honey, you are the best. <333333!!!!!
Anton- I'm really angry at you right now, and I have spent a lot of my time angry at you this year but I still love you. Even if you are a total asshole.
Cindy- You're WEIRD! =) I love being *dirty* with you hehe and I love calling you Cindy because it annoys you but it's cuz I love your face off! :D


I'm getting depressed again.

I'll post again later if I get my thoughts together.
Good bye and I love you!