Wednesday, April 28, 2010

In which I fuck everything up

like always.

Just before you start reading this, please know that I plan on breaking up with Pat which makes me a tad bit less of a whore....

So, yesterday I was at this INCREDIBLY boring thing my school was doing after school to talk about our international trips and I was mostly hanging around with Quin and then my belly started hurting so I decided to walk me home and Quin walked me home which was incredibly sweet of him. We just sat and talked in my backyard and then we *kinda* ended up making out.....

So now I'm kinda really mad at myself. And yeah.

there is more but I don't think I want to say that quite yet. Because I still need to talk to my rene. Who Imma see tomorrow!!!!!

I miss that girl :(

I love you all!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Spanish class

I am supposed to be paying attention or something. I'm not. I've got my headphones in and I wouldn't be able to hear her if she said anything important.

I am a very happy camper right now 'cuz I'm listening to music :)

Quin (the new highschooler) stole my headphones and I listened to a song on his. I liked it but he didn't like my Adam :(

And he just posted it. When I wasn't done :P

XPPPPPPPP <-- that was him.
XDDD <-- that too.

Vanilla Twilight by Owl City is a good song but it makes me miss people :(


I'm kinda really tired and hungry and my brain isn't working very well and I'm kinda rambling now so I'm going to end this post because I have absolutely nothing to say here.


Monday, April 26, 2010


I just had a REALLY bad nose bleed and now I'm dizzy and angry and my head hurts. :(

SO! yesterday i was taking pictures in Black and White for photography class and I thought I'd show you a few of my faves. Cuz I'm odd. And cuz I like photography :)

Ha I'm odd but that's ok :)

So, I'm wondering if I want to dump Pat and go out with Carmen instead. When I'm with her I'm much happier than when I'm with him and I think our feelings are more real but I really like Pat too... Bleh!

My mom hinted that if I get all my homework caught up I'll get my phone back, so that's why I haven't posted in a while; working madly to get her baaaaack! haha

So yeah, that's kinda my life but only a bit cuz my brain died and I need to do homework
I love you!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Fuck... life.

Today my mom kept yelling at me and calling me a bitch so I called her a bitch and she slapped me, took away a lot of my things and wouldn't give me a ride to school. I had to walk in the rain, which made me hal fan hour late. And I walked in crying which was really pretty stupid cuz then I was like the center of attention which I didn't want at all at that moment.

At school it was pretty fun until now. We really didn't do anything all day except sit around on dog beds and make dirty jokes.

Then I went to Spanish (which I'm supposed to be doing now) and Pat is being a butt and he's like avoiding me or something and it makes me sad. :(

So yeah.... I still don't have my phone, but I expect it'll be gone until at least the end of school. Fuck.

ha I'm going to go before I start crying in the middle of class!

I love you all!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I went shoe shopping today and these are the ones I got :D I *almost* got this suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper cute pair of gladiator sandles that were made of denim and gold chains but my mum didn't like it :(

I love you lots!

ps a real post is on it's way soon! I promise! :)

Friday, April 16, 2010

oh sweet baby jesus

today was insane.

This morning, my main thought was getting my goddamn math done. Turns out I didn't need too and I woke up insanely early for nothing. damn. Anyway, today at lunch.... Ok, I should start from the beginning.

Over srping break (last week) Pat asked me out. I said yes. We hung out once over break and damn he can kiss :P anyhoo, the day before we hung out, I saw carmen. She had just got out of rehab for the second time, and now she only smokes weed. Anyway, we went to see a movie and it was really hard for me to tell her I had someone else. Especially since she's recently single. I didn't tell anyone beside a few close friends about me and Pat (I just told Carmen that I was with someone, ommiting the name, which drove her crazy.) but today at lunch we went up to the attic (Pat's the techi so he has access to a lot of places normal people don't) and apperantly he forgot to close the door, and 'Max' and 'John' fucking walked in on us. So they start walking around and telling the whole damn school because it's so damn small. Unfortunately, the whole damn school includes my sister. One of my friends warned me that she knew and, since we were riding our bikes home, I avoided her. Me and my mom were driving back to school to get something I left, and I told her that we were together, since she would find out anyway. She took it surpriesingly well, because she knows Pat and she thinks he's pretty nice. Then we went to get ice cream which was the first thing I had eaten all day.
My dad just came home and my mom told him and he was like "She's not supposed to date." But my mom stuck up for me and told him he was being unreasonable to say that.

Anyway, today was day of silence and I went around with tye-dye blue and purple duct tape over my mouth almost the whole day. At one point I had five of my classmates (half of my class) doing it too, but me and Cindy (hahaha!) were the only ones who remained silent the whole day. Or school day, since I had to break it when I got out to call Alex, tell my mom and comnfront my sister.

And there's this SUPER cute senior who came like, right after spring break and he was in my photography class an dspent the whole time trying to get me to talk. At the end we were writing notes to eachother (only 'cuz I couldn't talk! *I* wasn't flirting!) and he gave me his # and I really want to get my phone back so I can text him, but I lied to my parents and they took her away.

What else has happened....

Leslie got back from hawaii. and Owl City is playing live here and I begged my parents to let me go but they wouldn't! grrr....

So this post is getting long, so I'm going to stop boring people and such.
Lots of love!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Pear juice

is quite lovely.

UGH! I'm totally PMSing right now. this morning I woke up in a kind of blah mood, then I got totally pissed at Anton for absolutely no reason, then I went into my depressed mood, then I became really happy and ever since I've been switching randomly from pissed to happy.

There is something I really want to post but due to someone who reads this blog I can't :'( it's big though. And AMAZING!

Adam Lambert is pretty :D
haha I'm listening to the Adam Lambert channel on Pandora. He's yummy. This verse is perfect.

"it's plain to see that baby you're beautiful. and there's nothing wrong with you. It's me. I'm a freak. But thanks for loving me. And you're doing it perfectly." So amazing.
I love that crazy flamboyant man. He's gorgeous. haha

Today my mom had friends over. They're really nice and Darryl is hysterical. He spent the night singing and cracking jokes and dissing Sarah Palin.

I should do homework so me and CINDY (heehee) can hang out tomorrow and watch fun movies and buy Monster energy drinks and Skittles :)

lots of lovely love!

Friday, April 9, 2010

My terrifying mind

Please say i'm good enough.
Please stop making me doubt myself.
Please help me up,
instead of pushing me down.
Please don't break my heart again.
I couldn't stand the pain.

Scars are forever.
Love is only fleeting.
Broken hearts will mend.
Broken skin never lets you forget.
I'm sorry if i hurt you
The words are not meant to do so
But I cannot let you
Kill yourself over me
I love you
I promise i do
But please stop putting my name
into you hand
With a knife
Stop loving me
All i do is hurt.
Myself and everyone else.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I promise.
But I cannot promise forever.

I don't mind if you blame me.
I don't mind if you get angry.
I don't even mind if you completely ignore what I was saying.
But what really hurts me,
is when I try to apologize
and wont forgive me.
I know you've never been the forgiving type,
but this is getting ridiculous.
I've said I'm sorry again
and again.
and again.
What else can I do?


Ski day and such :)

I went skiing today. I met some awesome people on the lifts like an 81 year old who skis black diamonds and shit . It was awesome. Then there was this kid, who wasn’t actually a kid because he was like my age-ish but whatever, who was funny as hell . Then there was this gay couple and they were sooooooo cute! Of course, gay couples are always cuter then straight ones

So yesterday I was listening to 'Hallelujah' by Rufus Wainwright and that song always makes me feel... Something. I don't quite know. It's kinda creepy, kinda sad, I don't even know. Either way, I ended up listening to incredibly sad songs like 'Concrete Angel' by Mellissa McBridge and 'Alyssa Lies' by Jason Michael Carroll and 'Whiskey Lullaby' by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss which both have child-abuse themes and 'Scarecrow' by Mellissa Ethridge, which is about Matthew Shepard*. Basically I ended up bawling. But the weird thing was, even when I knew I should stop I kept listening to the songs over and over again.....

But I'm okay-ish now.

AAH! LESLIE JUST SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME! She's in Hawaii right now (oh I am sooooooo jealous) and she was texting me and saying she had "just got a long amazing kiss from a very very cute guy" She has a boyfriend who isn't with her so I kinda freaked a little. Not that I think She would cheat on Chance 'cuz he's a cutie :) Then she told me he was 32 and I was like 'oh she's lying' but she wasn't. She actually did kiss a guy who is 32. He's a dolphin.

I have more more more to say but I'm REALLY tired right now and my face is dead because the sun is an ass so yeah.


p.s. This post was supposed to be up yesterday but my dad installed this bullshit program and I can't be on the internet after ten. It's really stupid and annoying. but now it is here! :)

*October 12, 1998, homosexual Matthew Shepard accepted a ride home from a bar from two strangers. These strangers had set out that night to rob and murder a homosexual. They beat him with the butt of a gun, then tied him to a fence with his own shoelaces. They left him for dead. After being rushed to the emergency room it was announced that he was dead on October 16. The men were convicted.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


I want people to be happy. I was this morning. I was very happy. Then Anton got sad which made me sad :'(

Patrick's been texting me all day. I sorta have mixed feelings about him now. My friends are all telling me different things. Abby is saying no way, Daisy is saying no, because he used to be with Leslie, Leslie is saying hell yeah, Rene is saying go for it, but be careful...... AAH! My head will explode. I think I'm going to see him on Tuesday though.

Music makes me happy. :)
I like being negative. Is that bad? Well, I don't exactly like it, I just wouldn't mind living like this my whole life.

HAPPY ZOMBIE JESUS DAY! by the way....

I like this song.

I really have nothing more to say so I'm going to stop wasting your time now!
lots of love,

Friday, April 2, 2010

mostly boys =]

I apologizzed to Anton for overreacting like I did, but I don't think it was all my fault he wont apologize too, but whatever. Other wise, things are going good. We are both pretty happy right now and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen. I'm way too pessimistic haha.
Lots of guys like me and I really don't like any of them. It's very annoying. On the bright side I think I just really pissed the most annoying one off =D Haha I'm a terrible person :)
HOWEVER there is one that I do like and he told me he liked me too and if he new me better then he would ask me out. I'm kinda scared though because last year he went out with Leslie and most of that relationship was basically her wanting to break up with him. And he's the kind of guy who thinks he needs a girlfriend.... IDK! I'm crazy :)
who else....
OH YES! My celeb crush
Yes, I realize he's gay but adam lambert is beautiful :)

Like I said I'm really pessimistic. I keep excpecting everything to crash.
"The only way to know how high you get me, is to see how far I fall."
-heartbreak warfare, John Mayer

It's really hot in the computer lab.
love you all!