Tuesday, March 30, 2010

At least I listen

and don't just shoot down whatever you say. I hate you. I hate you i hate you I hate you I HATE YOU!
God why do I have to love you so damn much?
You drive me insane.
you are so far up your ass.
It doesn't matter how many fights we get in, at the end of the day I still love you.

I tried to tell Anton what I thought of his drinking and smoking and shit and he told me I was exagerating! Fucking stupid douche! AAAAAAAH!!!!!
Now I'm crying. Great. I hope your happy.

I told him I would just kill whatever happiness he had. he didn't listen. Good job.

So selfish and hypocritical and stupid and shallow and AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
Is it ok for you to hurt yourself now?
And you were so against it when I do it.

I'm going to calm down and listen to music or something...


I feel really wierd right now. I started thinking of someone and I got really nervous for no reason.
'Max' is being really nice and funny and I thought I was over him and I guess I was but now.... I don't know. I'm just crazy. Insane. Whatever.

I undertand you.
I remain silent because I can't hurt you.
I know it's what makes you happy.
I wish you would do it too.
It's what makes me happy.
It's just the way I deal with things.
So stop your hypocracy.
It's just driving me insane.
And I truly love you
I promise I always will
But when you allow yourself to hurt
I can't stand it.
And I remain silent because I know it's what makes happy.
It's tearing me apart.
You of all people should know
What it is like to watch someone you love destroy themselves.
It hurts so bad.
Don't do this to me.

Thats one I wrote the other night.

You let me in your mind
You showed me who you were
I got scared.
I tried to run.
I ended up hurting you.
I always do.
You just need someone who its you.
I love you, but that person isn't me.
I only hurt myself.
I don't kill myself.

Kinda along the same lines, but I wrote that one last night.
I'm insane. I can't think straight. My brain keeps running in circles and it's so dizzying and terrifying and maddening...

I got into a fight with Anton the other night. Then we talked about it and it got better. Then I read his blog and I got mad again. Then we... I dunno. We kinda ignored it. I'm scared because I think if we just ignore all our problems then in the end it'll all overflow and we'll fall apart. There are so many things I want to tell him about how I feel, I'm just scared of hurting him or loosing him. UGH!!!!


It's really hot in the computer lab at my school so I may post more later when my brains aren't overheating and I can actually think.
Lots of love!

Dewey, my online/texting buddy's bf has cancer. She was called out of class today because her mom wanted to tell her that his tumor has shrunk a LOT! I'm REALLY happy for her right now! :)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Too much

So I only have a little time to cover a LOT

part one: Leslie
We talked. She made me promise to get help but I am kinda confused. I mean, I know what she means I just.... I don't really trust anyone who doesn't already know. So I can't get more help then I have. Or rather, I'm just scared to.

Part two: Carmen
I was getting my hair done yesterday (3 hours and it looks GORGEOUS! by the way....) and she texted me and she was saying that she thinks she's going to break up with Sam. I'm REALLY nervous though because the night before that she told me that if she didn't have a girlfriend she would ask me out. But we've still been flirting al day :)

Part three: Pants
this really isn't that big, but today I was out shopping and I saw this guy wearing these pants.... They were so horrible they made me want to die.

Part four: Anton
I can't stop thinking about him. It's driving me insane. I really want to be able to move on but everytime I go forward a bit I do something to remind me of him or he says something so perfect.... It's making me crazy!

Part four: school
I'm REALLY getting behind. I might fail math because I totally spaced it on this HUGE project but I did it really quickly afterward and emailed it to my teacher so I don't know if she'll be nice or not :-/ My parents, this morning, made me redo this other big project that I've been working on because they're assholes. On the bright side they wont make me go back to this school next year because they think it'd be a huge waste of money, which it would. They don't want me to go to my school of choice either, and they're thinkning about this really nice school with lots of cute boys ;) and not lots of homework. I want to shadow there first.

Part five: Sister
She is kicking me off the computer, so bye!
Lots of love,

p.s. I will post more on all of this when I'm not so pressed for time!

Friday, March 26, 2010

More poetry

I'm lazy today so I'm just going to post more poetry.

This one I wrote for Leslie. It doesn't have a name.
I need you to come back to me
I need to hear your voice
I need to hold your hand again
I need to know you are ok
I need to help you if you aren't
I need to have the real you back
I need to keep you in my heart
I need to see your smile
I need to hear your laugh
I need to be your friend again
I need to be with you again
I need you always
I need you for forever
I need to remember
All those long walks
All those meaningful talks
All we had at a time
All we did together.
Everything between us
I need you to never forget
I need to know if you have
I need to bring you home to me
I need to get you back

This one I wrote for Anton :)
I break to you,
I speak to you,
and I thought you turned away.
I've lied to you,
but I'm tied to you,
and my grip will never fade.
You love me,
and I love you,
our hearts forever beat in time.
I cry for you,
I'd die for you,
and you would do the same.
I can't believe,
that I'd conceived,
such denials in my mind.
I hurt you,
you hurt me,
but our hearts are still as one.
Stronger now,
is our bond,
we are forever one.
I love you,
you love me,
our hearts forever beat the same.
I cry for you,
I'd die for you,
and you would do the same. <3

haha cheesy. Thats ok though :)

This one I wrote for Carmen....
I break promises
I break hearts
I'm no good for you
I lose hope
I lose faith
I'm no good for you
I keep lying
I keep hurting
I'm no good for you
I don't smile
I don't laugh
I'm no good for you
I am sorry
I honestly am
But you deserve better than me.

So yeah.... Tell me what you think? Ha
lots of lovely love!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Down the drain

I swear to god I didn't want to hurt her. She means the world to me and I can't stand to see that look in her eyes. I'm such a coward. Why? Why? Why?

It all came out. I hurt her. I try to make it better by apologizing but it won thelp anything. I told her I cut, I want to drink I told her I'm sorry. It wont make anything better. Why? Why? Why?

It hurts me just as much as it hurts you. I promise. I know what it feels like to know someone like that. I didn't want to be that person though. I didn't ever mean for this to happen. And I know she will still hate me for doing this. And I know it's pointless for me to say this.

I'm sorry....

but it just all came out.
I told her.
I told her everything.
She said no. please no.
I only did it because I didn't want to hurt her. It always hurts worse. Always.

I'm sorry....

I have no clue what to do.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry i'm sorry.
I'm stupid I'm hurtful I'm selfish i'm terrible.
I love you I love you I love you I love you.

I'm sorry....

i'm so confused. So conflicted. I have some now. I took it from my aunt. She'll never notice. I don't want to be alone, but at the same time I do.

I'm sorry....


I'm sorry....

I hate myself! That's why I cut. Because I'm stupid and selfish and awful and I don't deserve to be happy. Thats why I can't let myself be happy. Why I take it away

I'm sorry.....

I'm in a terrible mood.
Today I got pissed at Anton for absolutely no reason. I have so much anger and i don't know how to let it go. I need it out of me.I need it somewhere else. I don't know where.

I'm sorry....

I'm lost. Lost in the maze I have made myself. Because I didn't want anyone to find me. But now I want to come out. but I'm trapped in it's heart, wandering in circles, hurting everybody....

I'm sorry.....
Why? Why? Why?

I love you, Leslie. I really wanted to tell you. But I didn't. So that changes nothing. I'm still awful. Please, do what you want. If it's choosing not to forgive me, I know why. I wouldn't either. I break promises. I lie. I cheat. And it haunts me. but that wont change what i've done. I love you, Leslie, and I'm sorry.

Monday, March 22, 2010


I'm totally going crazy. Yesterday I was walking home and I almost started crying.

I shadowed at another highschool yesterday but I didn't like it too much so I'm not going there. I'm still really hoping I can go to the first highschool I shadowed at. I really should be doing homework because I'm REALLY far behind but it's freaking boring!

I'm in a really bad mood. I'm SUPER pissed at myself even though there's really no reason to be. Well I guess I do but whatever? I dunno. Maybe.

I came REALLY close to drinking last night but then I decided not to. I don't know about tonight though. As long as my aunt and uncle are here it would be really super easy...

Plus I kinda started cutting again. I don't want to but I do want to at the same time. Does that make any sense? Or maybe I'm just crazy. Hell, I am crazy.

My teacher is being a crazy bitch again. Today Cindy's (hahahaha I laugh whenever I type that name XD) mom didn't email the principle something soon enough and Angela starts bitching at her because apperantly she was supposed to sit down and like, make sure her emailed it. serioiusly? Imo, thats bullshit.

Then at lunch today, john was defending Angela. I know that it's partly my fault for getting behind, but she still gives us way too much homework. We have like, 5 big assignments in language arts and in math we have a test, a portfolio piece and we are still getting assigned lessons, and we have a big project in Spanish, CE, Science and History. I'm not doing so well.

But enough of my complaining haha
I am very tired. I really should go work on Spanish.... But I'm lazy haha
So yeah.

Songs that always cheers me up when I'm sad:
Mad world, Adam Lambert (I know it's a cover but he is gorgeous)
Pop goes the camera, Adam Lambert
Any P!ATD (Panic! At the disco)
Livin on a prayer, Bon Jovi
Lady Gaga (even though her clothing style bugs me)
Music again, Adam Lambert
Aftermath, Adam Lambert
Any Adam except whataya want from me because that one makes me sad.
Banana pancakes, Jack Johnson
Lucky, Jason Mraz featureing Colby Calliat
Any Jason Mraz really
and a LOT of others

That was a tad random, but I'm listening to music now and I'm not quite as murderous. :)

I REALLY should get to work. So bye bye!
Lots of love,

Saturday, March 20, 2010


I am. Very very very much so.
I got really pissed at my parents today cuz they were being assholes, but then my mother called 'John' and 'Kyle' little shits and I forgave her :)

I told Spencer (the ex) that I had a boyfriend last night. He was flirting with me and I think he was about to ask me out again and I panicked and told him that Anton was my boyfriend (I wish! hahaha) but I guess he forgave me kinda because he's still talking to me. Probably looking for a chance or something. Hahaha

My doggy is being really smelly today! Bleh! But he got a hair cut yesterday so he looks FABULOUS! hahaha I love that word.

So I am finding everything very funny right now because I'm so tired. I've been in this state for a couple days now. I *really* should get more sleep. Thats ok though :)

Oh yeah!
I went skiing on Thursday. The snow was shitty and my boots were killing me and my instructor was a creeper, but it was still incredibly fun! After lunch I went out with a group of people but I was the highest skill level and I knew the resort best but I kinda accidently lead them down a really steep hill with a bunch of moguls. whoops! haha they lived though =]

Ok, my posts have been really bad lately. i need to think of something to make it better. hmmmm..... maybe not being so insanely tired when I do? that may make them not so.... sounding like I'm on drugs or something. hahahaha my brain is pretty much gone right now.

heeheehee my dad just put his hat on the dog.... he's a cutie!!!! my dog... not my dad... hahahaha

ok. ugh. I may go sleep. or I may go.... something. Probably something.
I love you!

Friday, March 19, 2010


I promise this will be my last post today!
So, Chan is an avid HP fan and she decided to write a letter to Evanna Lynch (Luna Lovegood) and it really touched me and it kinda tells her story. So here it is.

Dear Evanna,

You started out like myself just a Harry Potter book fan and because you just happened to be one you got soething amazing out of it. You got a chance to play Luna Lovegood and show everyone just how incredible she truly is. But I am writing to you as a fellow book fan, in hopes that maybe you will truly appreciate how the story itself can affect someone’s life in so many ways and help them see the gifts they have with in themselves.
I hope you get the chance to read this letter. I would like you to know how important and meaningful you and everyone involved with the Potter world of how Harry Potter and his journey have so positively changed my life. I have read each book and seen every movie more times than one person alone can count. I know Harry’s story and now I write to you to tell you my story.
You might say I have lived a life very similar almost parallel to Harry’s. A child born into a family that rather drink and use drugs than take care of a child with Cerebral Palsy. Only seeing my outward appearance rather than the human being I truly am.
In and out of seven different foster homes for eight years and rarely feeling like I belonged there wishing for a family who would love me. And having the world see me in the ways, people saw Luna.
In and out of seven different foster homes for eight years and rarely feeling like I belonged there wishing for a family who would love me.
Almost six years ago, I was living with a Mormon family, which in my view were like the Weasleys. I was the oldest of five kids and instead of thinking of me as just a ‘foster child‘, they thought of me as their oldest. The feeling was wonderful, they actually loved me treated me as a family should.
Acacia the second oldest down, she looked up to me I was her role model...it was odd because I had never been anyone's role model before. We were the best of sisters and friends, one day I was listening to my music in my room, when she approached me with the first Harry Potter book and said with great excitement, “You have to read this!” I looked at the book thinking a children's book? I'll read it just to make her happy. Not knowing that nine months from that point the best family that had ever graced my life would be moving and causing me to have to go to other home and mirroring the boy's life that I was reading about.
The night they dropped me off at my new place of living, I was quite heartbroken but held my head up high in efforts to make the best of it. I told my new foster mother of my likes and things about me. I told her that I liked the Harry Potter books. However, instead of being supportive she forced her Christian beliefs down my throat. Then realising that in a way I was placed in the “Dursleys“. From that day on I was forever told how wicked and defiant I was for reading the Harry Potter books and watching the movies. I would escape inside one of the books or movies to block the abuse, putting myself in the stories.
In those moments I felt alone even more so when my foster mother told me that I was always going to be awkward and it was okay that God made me that way His plan for me was to always remain alone. Being so young and impressionable I believed that God was that cruel that I was meant to spent the rest of my days alone. Not realising that the Harry Potter series was His way of showing me that wasn't the truth that He did and still truly loves me. Almost two years later shortly after that my foster family went to see Lord of The Rings because the series had been written by a Christian writer, I later found out that JK. Rowling, writer of the Harry Potter series is a firm Christian believer as well.
There did come a time when the abuse became unbearable, escaping did not work anymore, and when that happened I thought about resorting to suicide. Thinking that was my only escape from the abuse and misery. Have losing all hope, I sat at the bathroom sink holding the razor in my hand and completely prepared to do what I planned to do. One simple thought changed my motives. Would Harry do this? Would he be where I am right now ready to end it all because life had gotten too hard for him? No, he would not because he is a strong, brave, and determined person. His life is worst than mine in some cases but he finds the strength to fight through it no matter how hard things get for him. I am just as strong, brave, and determined as Harry is so why am I doing this? I dropped the razor and left the bathroom.
The books and movies has been put in my life for a reason and whatever that reason is I am eternally grateful for it.
JK Rowling and you have both inspired me to do what I love most that is to write. You are one of my biggest role models and inspirations.
The probability of me meeting you and getting to thank you in person is not very big. So telling you in a letter is the best way I have to tell you and biggest honour I will ever have. I truly hope that this letter does not end up in the slush pile of letters. From one fan to another.

Sincerely Yours,

I love her! :)
and you! :)

Stupid stupid sister.

She is looking over my shoulder as I write this. I fucking hate her. She should litterally go die. She is telling me that I'm a stupid whore and (since she looked away)it actually kinda hurts. Like, I know that she's just a stupid asshole but when she calls me stupid... I dunno. I'm used to the whore part though. I get that all the time from her and my parents haha.

But whatver. I'm chatting with my Chan on Facebook now and I love her so much! <333333333333 I met her at wrockstock III (I'm such a geek!) and we kinda have become pretty close. She has the biggest heart EVER!

I really should be doing my homework but instead I'm blogging, listening to Adam and browseing Facebook. :) I should though cuz I wanna go to Rene's!!!!
Speaking of which I am going to talk to her about that. There was never a really formal invitation or anything for me so I just wanna double check and see....

Yeah so I'm really tired and I wanna kill that fucking bitch of a sister and that fucking bitch of a sister. sigh......

I love you!

I pretty much hate her.

Today my teacher told me that I was disapinting people and that if I left this current school I would become mindless and stupid. then she made me write a freaking letter to my parents. Because I'm a little behind on homework. She's a bitch.

THIS WEEKEND I'M GOING TO SEE RENE AND LESLIE!!!!! I'm SUPER excited!!! That is if my parents let me go. which they better. But they might not. I'm going to have to do lots of homework tonight :-/

Other then that nothing else is new so I shant waste your time anymore. :)
I love you!

Monday, March 15, 2010

descending into madness

Caring is stupid. Love is stupid. Hope is stupid. It's all just there to hurt more. A temporary high. Then you come back to real life, the love and hope are gone, and you're left with nothing but pain. And yet we keep coming back for more. Like a drug. It's there and it's good. You feel good. you feel happy. Then it goes away. You're left with what? Pain. Hurt. Loss. But you want that feeling of happiness again.
It's fake. There's no such thing as happiness.
pleasure, joy, exhilaration, bliss, contentedness, delight, enjoyment, satisfaction. Happiness, bliss, contentment, felicity imply an active or passive state of pleasure or pleasurable satisfaction. Happiness results from the possession or attainment of what one considers good: the happiness of visiting one's family. Bliss is unalloyed happiness or supreme delight: the bliss of perfect companionship. Contentment is a peaceful kind of happiness in which one rests without desires, even though every wish may not have been gratified: contentment in one's surroundings. Felicity is a formal word for happiness of an especially fortunate or intense kind: to wish a young couple felicity in life.
But our situation is worth many tears.
I don't get it.
I want it.
I've never had it.
Give up on me.
Let me fall.
Let me drown in my pain.
Let me fade into the background.
Let me stop.
I don't want to care.
I don't want to love.
I want to let go.
Stop hurting.
I hate confusion.
i hate pain.
I'm going crazy.

I was just kinda going insane. I'm good now though haha.
I miss people. Really really really badly. But I'm kinda ok. Ha I've got a lot of homework but I'm tired and I want to go to sleep even though it's only 6-ish. Oh it's so cold! Ha not much has really happened but I dunno.

OHYEAH!!! so I'm doing a research paper on what makes people gay (if it's biological, if it has anything to do with the environment they were raised in or whatever) so if you are homosexual and you want to help me out with my project you should email me frogfreak231@gmail.com (yes I know it's lame but I made it a while ago haha)
So yeah...

I have nothing else to say.
I love you!

Sunday, March 14, 2010



I'm not in a good mood right now. I mean, i am because me and my sis are getting along (for today) but I'm nto because i miss people. Carmen, Anton, Rene, Leslie, Daisy, Tawni, all my East Coast friends....


but whatever. ha.

So last night I was really bad. Like, sobbing my face off. it was terrible. I missed Anton soooooooo much and it's gotten really really really REALLY bad and I'm like constantly thinking about him and it's no fun.
And I'm worried about him. I don't know why. I just am. Haha

ALSO on firday I hung out with Rene and she kinda taught me how to skateboard.... Or at least how to stand on it.... Well, I can ride on it downhill.... when I don't have to push or anything. Longboarding is deffinatly easier.

By the way, I'm a Unicorn gun ninja.
So watch your backs.

I can't think.
good bye :)

ps. sorry that today's post sucks. i'm tired and I keep loosing my train of thought. :)

Friday, March 12, 2010

2:30 am

I can't sleep, even though I'm so tired I'm shaking. Like shivering but it's not because I'm cold.

I'm scared.
I'm worried.
I'm confused.
I'm upset.
I'm angry.
I don't even know why.

I called Leslie later on. We talked for a while then she went to sleep. We didn't really talk about anything though. We are going to see eachother soon. Then I was texting Carmen and we kind of flirted for a while then she went to sleep.

I don't know what the point of this is.
I'm thinking in circles.
I'm dizzy and tired.

So much else has happened today but I don't know what to say about it. It's weird but not out of the ordinary. Ha I don't know what I'm saying. I don't ever.

I hate caring. I want to leave as soon as I'm old enough. Go to the East Coast. Maine, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, I dunno. Just away. Then I'm going to start over. I'm going to live on my own and not let anybody in. That way I'll stop hurting people and they'll stop hurting me. I just need to get out of here. A change of scene. I don't know.

I've officialy gone insane for the millionth time.

My brain is turning off and on onthe wrong things. I want to stop thinking about sad things. I want to be able to control myself better. That isn't going to happen.

I don't know.
I'm going to go off.... curl in a ball.... Pretend I'm the only person alive.... Maybe then I'll sleep.
Good night. Or morning. Or whatever.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Damn. Ha

I stayed home sick today. Sore throat and aching everywhere, even though the aching would probably due to a number of things that aren't sickness (falling out of trees, falling down stairs, volunteering to be the goalie in soccer, etc.)

So this afternoon I was talking to Rene (who I love with my whole fucking heart! By the way...) about Leslie and Rene called her and they talked for a long time then I called Rene and we talked for a bit. Rene told me that Leslie had pretty much said that she felt like she had to leave Realms behind to go to her new school which I kind of get but kind of not really... I don't know. Ha

My sister is so annoying and I want to kill her face off. I have a really bad headache and she wont shut the fuck up.

Sorry for the short post but I can't think. And my father is making me get off so Liz can check her email. Which is stupid. But whatever. Ha.

I guess I'll just go until they tell me to get off again.

So I'm kind of worried about Anton. Whenever I ask him if he's ok he says he is but I'm wierd and stuff so I never believe him anymore.

So I gotta go now.
I love you all!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I just spent like, $7 on a huge thing of jellybeans and I've eaten about one fourth. Haha I'm a fatty :P

So on to less-happy subjects.
Like my ex.

So he messaged me on Facebook and while talking to him, I realized there were a couple reasons I broke up with him. Some are good, like the whole he was pushing me to have sex the day he learned my name thing, but there were also bad reasons. Like peer pressure. He was the new freshman, and he was like, the ulimate target for ridicule and hate.
So I felt really bad for that and I decided to be nicer to him since he really has no friends at my school. I really have no plans to get back with him, but he seems to want to. So today in photography he was flirting with me like crazy. And I really don't want to hurt him (or anyone. Ever. Ha) so I had a plan to tell him that I had a boyfriend. He would never find out that I was lying and it would be easier then hurting him. And I would only have to pretend to the end of the year. So thats my plan. Thoughts?

So I'm really iffy on Carmen right now.... She is still kinda with Noah (asshole) and still kinda with Sam (her girl in rehab) and she's been really flirty with me lately.... I don't know.

I want to get over Anton. I want to be able to move on and stop hurting both of us. It's really hard though because he is too amazing and funny and sweet.... *sigh*

What else is new?
Oh yeah.

I've been really missing Leslie lately. A few nights ago I was crying and I couldn't stop so I called Rene but she didn't answer and normally then I would have tried Leslie but..... I don't know. I guess I just realized that I should stop bothering her or whatever. Then when I went to see Alice I went to the theater by her house and I remember the first time I was there I went with her and then we had gotten Red Bull and it was my first time having it so it REALLY affected me so we went to the top of the multi-level above-ground parking thing and ran around and ate donut holes and had so much fun. And the last time I had been with her we went to see Valentine's day but I had seen it the day before too so she didn't feel so bad when we had to leave early and miss the ending. I really miss her....

But whatever. Some friends come and go. I just wish i didn't have to loose her...
Ugh. I'm crying now. Haha

It's really cold here. I kinda sorta want to go back to Esterillos.... I got soooo sunburnt.

I'm really falling behind on homework.... I've got like an F in LA which sucks because thats normally my best subject. The only thing I'm getting A's in are Ashley's classes because he doesn't care that much and Spanish because it is waaaaay to easy.

I guess I should actually do something now.... Maybe? Ha I'm probably going to end up browsing the internet with absolutely no purpose... Haha
I love you all very much!
Thanks to my new followers :)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Movie reviews

Percy Jackson and the Olypians; the Lightning Thief
directed by Christopher Columbus (directing: So easy a dead guy can do it!)
And I wouldn't be surprised if it had been directed by a dead guy, with that kind of quality. If it hadn't been based off the book it would have been ok. I mean, the main objective (to get the master blot back) and kinda the same places (the Lotus Hotel, Medusa's lair, Yancy Acedemy, etc.) The only good thing about it was that Percy and Luke were absolutely delicious. The special effects and the script were total crap. So my suggestion would be to not read the book or not see the movie, but don't do both. Not worth the $8.

Alice in Wonderland
directed by Tim Burton (best director alive!)
I loved this movie, up until the end. The special effects were amazingly anazing and the plot was kinda ok and the script was pretty good too. So some of my friends are saying they wont see it because it doesn't follow the book but it's NOT SUPPOSED TO! it's like a sequel, even though there already is one. It's an alternate ending, sorta. So here is why I didn't like the ending and if you haven't seen it I may suggest skipping to the Dr. Horrible review.
1.Alice and Johnny should have gotten together. There was all this wasted sexual tension, even though the hatter was gay (but he thought Alice was a guy so thats sort of ok, right? haha)and he's like 50 and she's like 17.
2. Helena should be queen. Instead of going with the rules of monarchy, the former queen and king of Underland gave the crown to the prettier ditzy freak of a sister as opposed to the eldest. The only reason Helena was so fucked up and was all about killing people is because she had shitty parents.
3.Seriously? SERIOUSLY? okay, she comes out of Underland and suddenly she becomes some brilliant successful genius. The only reason she knew about the trading route the China was because she listened to her father when she was little. She is diffinately not assistant-manajer of a whole trading company.
4. to the butterfly at the end; can you say FAKE? Like, you create all of Underland but you can't add a butterfly in? Wow.
5.When Mia Wasikowska says "curiouser and curiouser" it totally ruined the line. It was so unenthusiastic. (I suppose this isn't in the end, but I thought I'd throw it in anyway =])
So it was really good till the end. And yes, Tim Burton is still one of my favorite directors. =]

Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog
Directed by Joss Whedon (My other favorite director!)
Oh so amazing. Five stars. Neil Patrick Harris, Felicia Day and Nathan Fillion all have really amazing voices and they are all perfect in their roll. Neil plays the mad scientist Dr. Horrible who has "a PhD in horribleness" who falls in love with a girl who he sees at the laundromat (Penny, played by Felicia Day) In the begining the only thing seperating them (other then the lack of speaking) is that she works with the homeless and he is on an evil quest to impress Bad Horse and get into the Evil League of Evil. However things get a tad more complicated, when he is on a heist to obtain Wonderflonium in order to complete his freeze ray, He inadvertantly puts Felicia in danger. Then his arch nemesis, Captian Hammer (played by Nathan Fillion) shows up and "saves" her. The hero always gets the girl, so, naturally, Felicia and Nathan hook up. Felicia and Neil become good friends, but Neil still wants more. Now I will stop because I don't want to give anything away, just that the ending is so unexpected and it makes me cry every time.

So I only half recomend Percy Jackson, but you should probably wait until it comes out in the dollar theaters.
I highly recomend Alice and I think it's amazingly epic in 3D (even though I hate3D)
If you do not see Dr. Horrible I may have to set Bad Horse on you.


Sorry I didn't post! My stupid father told me he'd changed my password when he really didn't so I could've but I thought I couldn't. But whatever. I'm posting now.

I do nothing all day other then watching 'Shaun the Sheep' and doing laundry and yelling at my parents.

Carmen and I are texting and somehow we start talking about relationships and she tells me that her girlfriend got sent to rehab and they wont be able to see eachother for at least a month.
For hours I am debating whether or not to tell her that I kinda have feelings for her. Anton was my support group =] So I basically just told her and crossed my fingers. Then she said she'd liked me since the play (Dracula VS The Wolfman-we were both in it) so that went good =]
Then, as if to make my attitude even better I went to see Percy Jackson and the Olypians* for the first time with a girl who is basically like my younger sister minus the fighting and a really close friend.

I go up skiing. It has been snowing almost all week up there and it was snowing yesterday too so there was SO MUCH powder! It was absolutely AMAZING! And then life gets even BETTER when I get invited to see ALICE IN WONDERLAND*!!!!!!!! I've been sooooo stoked for that movie since.... Forever. Haha i absolutely ADORE Tim Burton and Johnny Depp is gorgeous in this movie (yes, I know I'm a freak) and I absolutely love Helena (I don't know how to spell her last name.... bonam-carter? Bonnem-Carter? Either way, she's and amazing actress. haha). So then I went home and hung out with my dad and sister and we watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog* which they were seeing for the first time but it was my third so I was litterally singing along and it pissed my sister off. So it was really fun :)

I wake up feeling awesome, then I get to school and everybody starts to get on my nerves. So yeah, school makes amazing stuff be bad. My teacher is a bitch, my classmates are incredibly stupid and the only thing that keeps me going is
1. Someday they'll all die
2. I am leaving next year

So yeah.... ha my life is odd. And I have no more to say here so goodbye!

*I'll do another post on that

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

to much

I remember what I couldn't remember! haha
It was my fight with Leslie. Although she doesn't really realize it.

So last year, Leslie, Rene and I were insanly close. Then they moved to different schools. Rene lives fairly close, so I can see her all the time, but I hardly see Leslie. I still called and texted and IMed her all the time though. Last weekend she texted me and she seemed upset so I asked her what was up. She said she didn't want to talk about it, so I let it drop.
Yesterday (or maybe the day before?) I was texting her
Leslie: ok...
Me: Are you?
Leslie: What?
Me: Are you ok?
Leslie: no
Me: do you want to talk about it?
Leslie: no.
Me: ok
Leslie: its just that ive talked about it so much. im sorry. i have new friends now and ive changed
Me: ok
Leslie: ok
Then I stopped texting her. It really hurt me that she had basically said I had been replaced. Or maybe that's just me. Whatever though hahaha

(Friday now!)

Bigger shit has been happening.
Like Carmen attempting suicide.

Her on-off boyfriend since halfway through the first semester this year told her the only thing he loved was weed and he didn't love her and every time he said he had it had been a lie. So she took seven sleeping pills, passed out in the bathroom, hit her head on the edge of the tub and when she woke up she couldn't stand without fainting again.

Right before she ODed she sent me a text message saying that said she wasn't the cute funny girl everybody saw in her. She had lost that mask and she didn't want to go out in the world without it. The next flight she was going on would be either all she wanted or the worst thing ever, but she was willing to take the risk.

I started crying. I did not want to loose her. I texted her and called her but she never replied. The only reason I was even able to get out of bed the next day is because I knew that I would find out for sure what happened. I could hardly concenrate on my math. Then I saw her and it took everything I had to not run in and hug her. I. Was. So. Happy. No, I was beyond happy. Beyond ecstatic.

Before I never knew just how much she really meant to me. Now I know, and I'll never let her go. Ever. Or any of my friends for that matter.

I really love you all. You mean so much to me.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm really incredibly pissed at everyone, especially the ginger.
And it's really fucking cold. Which doesn't help.
So I had a lot to say, but then I forgot it all.

So I'll start by summing today up. Or actually, I should start with last night.
Or maybe a couple weeks ago.... Thats when it really started I guess....

So I sent a girl in my class ('Cindy' hahaha) a link to my blog a couple weeks ago. It was a weird thing to do and I kinda regretted it at first, but then she was really cool about the whole thing and such. So yeah, I'm glad I told her. =]

Then last night I was trying to cut a little star into my palm right under my thumb (isn't that called the padding of the thumb or something like that? I think it is....) and I had gotten one and a half points done and I decided not too. I cut it lightly though, so I hope it goes away even though I may have accidently gotten ink in it. Thats ok though, right? Ha I hope so! So anyway we had PE and my class was playing basketball and I got the ball thrown right into my cut and my hand so hit by several running boys. And now it really hurts. Then I had photography and we were doing action shots. I had to hang and drop from several things, and the bandaids I had put on it had pretty much come off. So I had to hide my hand until I got home and could pu tnew ones on.

Anyways I walked to Smith's with Suzie and it was really fun. That was the first time I had been with her one-on-one kinda thing and it was nice =]

So I had other things to say too about friends who piss me off and stuff but.... Ha I am forgetful. So yeah.


Ha so things with me and Anton aren't getting much better. I mean, if it were a realistic possibility, it would be getting better, but it's not so they're kinda getting worse. Today I took a nap and had him give me a wake-up-call. I could have chosen someone else but I kinda just wanted to hear his voice....
I know it's not good but.... I don't know.

So sometimes I go through these weird 'I'm not good enough' phases, and.... two nights ago? I think it was. So two nights ago, someone told me I seemed to say I liked Anton more than I really acted like. Which really made me feel like shit because I actually love him more than I could possibly say, and I thought maybe I wasn't being the best friend or anything. But then I kinda talked to her and I forgave her and now I'm ok again.

Haha I really have nothing more to say, or maybe I can't think of it.
So yeah.
love you!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Caught in the middle

Two of my friends are fighting about something really stupid (YES! It's BOTH of you guys!) and I feel like I'm caught in the middle. I want to step back and tell them to deal with it themselves, but thats really hard because
1. One is ignoring the other until she tells but
2. She doesn't really know how too
3. I hate when they fight and I want them to get over it
4. They don't really realize how stupid they're being
5. I think they kinda need a moderater. unfortunately, thats me.
So basically what they're fighting about is 'Abby' said something about Anton and I (which I'll touch on later!) and Anton wanted her to say it but she couldn't think of how to. Like, she couldn't put it into words. So now Anton isn't talking to her. But she's being annoying because she seems kind of.... She has a slightly noncholant attitude over it all. That bugs me even though it really shouldn't.

So about me and Anton, the last time we really acknowledged our feelings for each other was a while ago. I can't exactly remember how we got on the topic but we realized that even though we have been trying to move on (it would be so much better for both of us!) we had actually been moving backwards and it we were more into each other than before.

So yeah.
Life is a bitch.
So is the ginger.
She gets so upset when we tease her about the corrolation between red hair and a hot temper but then she goes and flips a bitch at the smallest things. I freakin HATE it! And she is a compulsive liar, most likely. She's a walking contradiction. It's so annoying.

So today in photography I asked Carmen if she could get me some booze becaused Kyle was being busy outside of school and I got sick of waiting.

Also, today my BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD EVER came over to my house! I hadn't seen her in forever and it was so fun! First she came and visited my school and John flirted with her even though she's totally not in to him ("I think of him as a little brother!") and then we went to my house and played around in my room and sniffed markers and I gave her stuff I got in Costa Rica and it was very fun. Then my dad dropped us off at Dulcetti Gelato (it's in that little shop placeby ninth and 21st with Este's Pizza [also recomended!] and the game place. It is in the same building as the Tea Grotto. GO THERE! IT'S AMAZING!) and we ate Gelatto and ran into someone last years Middle School class had met. He was a poet and even though he had some sort of brain disease he was very smart and friendly. So we sat and chatted for a while and then we walked home. On the way back, I had to help her with boy problems. Which is not at all my area of expertise. So we got home and we played around a little more and then I made the best fried rice EVER! actually I cut up the veggies and ham and I stirred the rice. But thats okay! It was amazing! And then we ate and I had to take her home. It was vey sad, but at least we got like two hours together! =]

So I am going to advertise Anton's blog because he's trying to get more followers, and even though I don't have very many and I'm sure most of you already do, I'll be nice =]
it's awesome.

So I shall try to keep you updated on my crazy life! haha
I love you all!