Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Down the drain

I swear to god I didn't want to hurt her. She means the world to me and I can't stand to see that look in her eyes. I'm such a coward. Why? Why? Why?

It all came out. I hurt her. I try to make it better by apologizing but it won thelp anything. I told her I cut, I want to drink I told her I'm sorry. It wont make anything better. Why? Why? Why?

It hurts me just as much as it hurts you. I promise. I know what it feels like to know someone like that. I didn't want to be that person though. I didn't ever mean for this to happen. And I know she will still hate me for doing this. And I know it's pointless for me to say this.

I'm sorry....

but it just all came out.
I told her.
I told her everything.
She said no. please no.
I only did it because I didn't want to hurt her. It always hurts worse. Always.

I'm sorry....

I have no clue what to do.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry i'm sorry.
I'm stupid I'm hurtful I'm selfish i'm terrible.
I love you I love you I love you I love you.

I'm sorry....

i'm so confused. So conflicted. I have some now. I took it from my aunt. She'll never notice. I don't want to be alone, but at the same time I do.

I'm sorry....


I'm sorry....

I hate myself! That's why I cut. Because I'm stupid and selfish and awful and I don't deserve to be happy. Thats why I can't let myself be happy. Why I take it away

I'm sorry.....

I'm in a terrible mood.
Today I got pissed at Anton for absolutely no reason. I have so much anger and i don't know how to let it go. I need it out of me.I need it somewhere else. I don't know where.

I'm sorry....

I'm lost. Lost in the maze I have made myself. Because I didn't want anyone to find me. But now I want to come out. but I'm trapped in it's heart, wandering in circles, hurting everybody....

I'm sorry.....
Why? Why? Why?

I love you, Leslie. I really wanted to tell you. But I didn't. So that changes nothing. I'm still awful. Please, do what you want. If it's choosing not to forgive me, I know why. I wouldn't either. I break promises. I lie. I cheat. And it haunts me. but that wont change what i've done. I love you, Leslie, and I'm sorry.

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