Everything is falling apart.
This past year was one of the worst I've ever had. There have been points in time when I would have killed myself, but it was the thought of my sister that would stop me. I am so scared that if I'm forced to go back to that place and I don't have her to keep my head above water I won't be able to stop myself and I'll start cutting again or something stupid like that....
I hate being such a fucking coward. I hate being so emotional and being so easily overwhelmed and everything I do and feel...
I fucking loathe myself.
I wish I'd never been born, but I'm far to scared to kill myself. Even I'm not quite that selfish.
So lets put on those fucking fake smiles, everybody, and pretend like we're perfect and happy even when we're all drowning.
I'm so sick of everything. I'm so entirely fed up with living. Why do I have to go through this?
I'm so selfish, but not enough yet.
I will be.
Once I give up.
Once I forget who I am
and stop being so fucking scared.
I look forward to that day.
The day when I vanish.
That will be a good day for everyone.
Bam! In the head. Poof. Gone. Dead.
But not today. Not yet. I'm still too fucked to do it. And things are looking up, right? It's not entirely hopeless, right? I don't think so.
But I am still scared.
What has happened? Well, my sister moved into her dorm. I've stolen her room. I was in a relationship then we broke up. The damn bitch...
I preformed 1984 at YTU this year. I was a coffee vendor/guard. It was pretty sick :)
I went to California and that was cool until Yosemite where I was pretty much sick of my family and wanted to go home and I couldn't hike because of my fucking piece of shit foot and the food was shit and there were a fuck ton of people.
Anyway, that's it.
So eat cake!
Monday, August 8, 2011
When everything you have isn't good enough and everything you or anyone else can do won't make you happy, what do you expect me to do? What do you expect anyone to do? You can't want us to be perfect because, yes, you will be let down. You can't want something so damn impossible. But you do, and when people are less than perfect you play the victim and claim you knew it all along and all that other bullshit. No. You did not know what was going to happen. If you did, you wouldn't have started anything in the first place. You're a disgusting, lying piece of shit who isn't worth anything. But, god dammit, why do I still love you? That's what I ask myself over and over again. The conclusion? I don't. I don't dislike you either. I nothing you. I guess all the years of friendship and everything we may have had at one point is just gone. Poof. For you, replaced by drugs and alcohol. For me, replaced by what? Depression? You know, those years where we were closer than best friends were the best of my life. But I messed up and you messed up and all that happiness has slipped through my fingers and turned artificial in yours. It's always nice to know that I can be replaced by something so obviously killing you. But whatever. I guess I give up. I feel really stupid for bitching about this shit online because I know it won't ever help anything. And I know it's all got the same effect in the end. I'm sorry for being stupid, like always. I'll just remove myself permanently from your life. All you'll have is memories. No, I'm not going to kill myself. But to you, I will simply disappear. We will see each other again, and I will smile and pretend to have fun, but I will be gone. I wish you would do the same for me. I really did love you, and losing you did hurt but now you're gone and it's okay. I'll be okay. I am okay. You are, too. Life is good.