Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I have never felt so selfish in my whole life. I'm sorry for being depressed and for cutting and starving myself and wanting to die. I'm sorry for feeling I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I thought I was the victim. I'm sorry I'm stupid and mean and shallow and every disgusting thing even though I have absolutely no reason to be that way. I have been given everything I could want, but I've been too stupid to see. I will try to be happy now. And if I can't, I won't show my pain. Because I have no right to be sad when I have so much.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Two am and delerious.

Everything is falling apart.
This past year was one of the worst I've ever had. There have been points in time when I would have killed myself, but it was the thought of my sister that would stop me. I am so scared that if I'm forced to go back to that place and I don't have her to keep my head above water I won't be able to stop myself and I'll start cutting again or something stupid like that....

I hate being such a fucking coward. I hate being so emotional and being so easily overwhelmed and everything I do and feel...
I fucking loathe myself.
I wish I'd never been born, but I'm far to scared to kill myself. Even I'm not quite that selfish.

So lets put on those fucking fake smiles, everybody, and pretend like we're perfect and happy even when we're all drowning.

Fuck you.
Fuck me.
Fuck everything.

I'm so sick of everything. I'm so entirely fed up with living. Why do I have to go through this?
I'm so selfish, but not enough yet.

I will be.
Once I give up.
Once I forget who I am
and stop being so fucking scared.
I look forward to that day.
The day when I vanish.
That will be a good day for everyone.
I promise.
Bam! In the head. Poof. Gone. Dead.
The End.

But not today. Not yet. I'm still too fucked to do it. And things are looking up, right? It's not entirely hopeless, right? I don't think so.
But I am still scared.

What has happened? Well, my sister moved into her dorm. I've stolen her room. I was in a relationship then we broke up. The damn bitch...
I preformed 1984 at YTU this year. I was a coffee vendor/guard. It was pretty sick :)
I went to California and that was cool until Yosemite where I was pretty much sick of my family and wanted to go home and I couldn't hike because of my fucking piece of shit foot and the food was shit and there were a fuck ton of people.

Anyway, that's it.
So eat cake!
And fly..

Monday, August 8, 2011

All the things I'll never understand.

When everything you have isn't good enough and everything you or anyone else can do won't make you happy, what do you expect me to do? What do you expect anyone to do? You can't want us to be perfect because, yes, you will be let down. You can't want something so damn impossible. But you do, and when people are less than perfect you play the victim and claim you knew it all along and all that other bullshit. No. You did not know what was going to happen. If you did, you wouldn't have started anything in the first place. You're a disgusting, lying piece of shit who isn't worth anything. But, god dammit, why do I still love you? That's what I ask myself over and over again. The conclusion? I don't. I don't dislike you either. I nothing you. I guess all the years of friendship and everything we may have had at one point is just gone. Poof. For you, replaced by drugs and alcohol. For me, replaced by what? Depression? You know, those years where we were closer than best friends were the best of my life. But I messed up and you messed up and all that happiness has slipped through my fingers and turned artificial in yours. It's always nice to know that I can be replaced by something so obviously killing you. But whatever. I guess I give up. I feel really stupid for bitching about this shit online because I know it won't ever help anything. And I know it's all got the same effect in the end. I'm sorry for being stupid, like always. I'll just remove myself permanently from your life. All you'll have is memories. No, I'm not going to kill myself. But to you, I will simply disappear. We will see each other again, and I will smile and pretend to have fun, but I will be gone. I wish you would do the same for me. I really did love you, and losing you did hurt but now you're gone and it's okay. I'll be okay. I am okay. You are, too. Life is good.

So... Yeah...
Eat cake!
And fly

Thursday, June 2, 2011


I've been neglecting this blog.
Anyway, I had a falling out with Bri and Sarahi and Sage and all those people but it's okay. Anton is here and it has been fun. We've hung out a few times and Daisy and I are determined to find him a puppy suit before he leaves because he totally looks like Alex Carpenter. School is almost out! I have three more days, not counting the few hours I have left today.

My sister graduated! AAH! It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I didn't cry that much.

That's all for now since I have no time left! I'll post again if I remember!

Monday, May 23, 2011



Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I really don't understand

Why? Why the hell are you beating yourself over me? Why are you getting so fucking depressed? Why do all of them do that?
Sage, Jake, Graham...
All those people who I lead on and drop. Don't they know I'm just a bitch? Don't they know I never had any intention of doing shit? WHAT THE HELL?!

Ah well. I just don't fucking get it. I'm not that great. Definitely not worth all the bull shit they put themselves through over me. Whatever, though.

I'm supposed to be working but I really don't want to so I'm not. Actually, I'm not supposed to be working 'cause I'm done. I just don't want to bring it up because then I'll have to work. Ah, well.

So, people are really REALLY fucking stupid. And I hope the person this is directed to is reading this, but before hand I must apologize to them. I'm going to be really fucking honest and bitchy about what I think about all this shit you're doing.

First, you met your BOYFRIEND maybe one or two weeks ago. You might be fucking pregnant. You're fucking 13! WHAT THE HELL? You say she didn't know him so he was never hers but you don't know him any fucking better. All you do with him is get high and fuck. REALLY?
Second, you like that other guy. You know what I think about him? He's a scared, good for nothing, naive asshole. He really is. So what if he let you stay over at his house? So what if he sung to you that night? SO FUCKING WHAT? He doesn't care about you. He cares about himself and nobody else. And you know it's true. And don't fucking say he cares about you because he really doesn't. He doesn't want to feel alone. He's using you. You know he is.
Third, do you fucking KNOW what you're doing to your BEST FRIEND? Not the one you're replacing her with, the one who actually fucking cares. You are fucking KILLING her! Do you have any idea how worried she is about you? Do you have any idea how hurt she is that you are the one who everyone loves and she's now the one in your shadow? Do you fucking know what your selfish behavior is doing to her? Fucking bitch.
Fourth, you're a fucking slut. So what if you lost your V card? (To someone you don't even fucking know, I may add) So what if guys like you? You think you're going to feel better if you throw yourselves at them and fuck until you get pregnant or get some STD? When that happens, I won't be there for you anymore. Neither will she. We won't feel sorry because we warned you plenty. We will be pissed because you didn't listen. We will be pissed because I just know you will turn around and find some way to blame us. We will be pissed because, after trying so fucking hard to save your life that night, you will try to kill yourself again and again until you succeed.
Stop being so ridiculous.
Stop fucking up your life so badly.
Stop blaming others.
just fucking stop.
Take a breath, look at what you want which is clearly just not to be alone. Then do something to fix it that won't fuck up your life.
I mean, really? You're being dumb.
You're being selfish, stupid and annoying.
I still love you, but you need to slow the hell down.


Anyway, I'm done now.
So eat cake or something.
And you should fly.
I love you!

p.s. I'm listening to Neon Trees and I SAW THEM LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm broken.

But it's okay.

Fuck me, my life has been insane!

I've broken a heart, I've talked my friend out of suicide, I've gotten high quite a few times, I've been to a few concerts, I've got a kind-of girlfriend, I've been backwards and upside down and I've cried myself to sleep and I've been in such a good mood that NOTHING can bring me down and everything has been screwed up and messed up and fucked up and high up and given up and fucking awesome and just... woah.

I have a Tumblr now, which I am using quite a bit more often than blogger. So, if you don't already, follow me. I like having followers. YAY! :)

So, right now I'm trying to ignore the fact that Sage looks like he wants to cry whenever he sees me, the fact that my honeybee is locked up somewhere and she can only write letters to communicate, the fact that Sarahi is upset (even though I really should be trying to help her) and everything and I'm trying to keep my happiness going for as long as I can. Because fucking Friday..... Was insane. And SO MUCH FUN! It was fabulously fabulous. Awesomely amazingly incredibly PERFECT in every fucking way EVER!

God.... I get ridiculously giddy when I just think about it. It involved a half hour of a mediocre band, a half hour of Neon Trees, and fucking two hours of My Chemical Romance and then two hours of cuddling with a GORGEOUS girl and then an hour of Dennys at two in the morning. IT WAS SO MUCH FUCKING FUN!


So, next week I get surgery and I'll be stuck in bed for, like, a week. Which will suck until Cheyenne, the most gorgeous girl EVER visits me =] I'm excited for that. =]

Now I am done being a spaz.
So good bye.
Eat cake
and fly

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Always by Saliva

I miss you, douche bag. :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Fucking Perfect

1. She's so gorgeous.
2. This song is so amazing
3. The video is so sad
4. I love you all.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sans repère - French Rap Song with English Subtitles

More French rap. Because I've become slightly addicted.
It's kind of funny, I hate the French language and I hate rap but put together it's jsut so beautiful.

I'm done posting for today, though. Promise :)

Le Meme Sang - French Rap Subtitled in English

It kind of reminds me of my brother....

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I forgive you.

And up in flames it goes. So You and all the world can see. Can watch. Can hate.

I don't care. I'll be okay after I tell you. I show you. I forgive you.

Because I stopped being able to cry. And I did I did I did! I'm so happy! I was scared I'd never be able to again but twice in the past week I have. Not for long, as something has always happened to make it go away, but enough that I don't feel like I'm going to explode anymore.

That's always good.

I think.


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Songs for my loves

To those who are gone:

To those who are going:

To those I hate:

To those I love:

To those I need:

To you, and you know who you are:

Remember when you posted this song about me? 'Tis mutual. But now I bet you only hate me without the love.

To everyone:

But not really. I just like that song.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

This is so cool!

I'm not the astronomy geek in my family, that's my dad and my sister. Even so, this video blew my mind.

There was NO CGI or 3D models involved. this is made entirely of single pictures taken from Casini, the satelite orbiting Saturn. The speed of the satelite and the speed of Saturn are so different that when you string them together it looks like a video.

Check it out

Isn't that AMAZING? It's kind of mind blowing.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Burnt letters

Today in math class I wrote a note to Alec. I don't know why. I'm going to burn it when I get home. I miss him so much. I barely new him. Why am I all messed up about this? What's wrong with me?

I'm just screwed up. Oh well.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Sonata Arctica - No Dream Can Heal A Broken Heart [HQ] + lyrics

My dream, it seems, fails to see the mornings
My one and only aim
I hear you breathe, I'm not alone in the darkness
I feel something on my lips I should not

One, too many poisoned kisses
And I'm drowning in your deepest sea
I found my destiny, something I'm here for
I'm knockin' on my heaven's door

One day we will run out of tomorrows
And yesterday's become the stuff our dreams are made of

Until today, I lived in the shadow world
Now heart is speaking, brain's defeated
Independent thought deleted

One too many poisoned kisses
And I'm drowning in your deepest sea
I found my destiny, something I'm here for
I'm knockin' on my heaven's door

And the map to find my sleepin wishes
Is hidden where I cannot see
When I'm awake, I need your poison kisses
To fall back in a living dream...

Johanna Kurkela:

"Why do you fear to long for my love, please be strong.
If your heart can hear a song, you can't go wrong...
So repose your trust in me, save this love, live and see
If the life beyond this dream is what you seek..."

"Fill your deepest wishes,
Come take my poison kisses
Life is too short, this golden hour lasts for a lifetime..."

Give me your poison kiss,
Now, come night, I need my sleeping wish
Help me dream again, somehow kiss me now

With your poisoned lips
Oh, come night, I want my missing wish
Help me get one kiss, somehow
Hold me now

No dream can heal a broken heart
When we're apart...

...On the sea of wishes
My dream that no one misses
Tears me apart, always somehow


Friday, March 4, 2011


Is it.
Is all.
Is everything.
Is nothing.

I may be insane, but so what? I am just so tired of everyone. Everyone, everything, everywhere.... Make it stop.

Please make my confusion go away.
Please just fucking leave me alone.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


just sayin'

Friday, February 18, 2011

Fool, Rage, Maniac.

How fitting for me.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Lolipops and cigarettes

Random thoughts of a crazy brain.

I'm the worst person to fall in love with. I promise I'll only break your heart.

The way I love is the way one would burn candles. At first, there's barely a flame then it gets hotter and hotter and hotter and then the wax has melted and there is nothing anymore. You can't even relight the wick, no matter how much you want to. No matter how much you try.

Seemed like a good idea at the time....

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I hate you.

I feel like I'm broken. Oh dear....

So, yesterday morning I was walking. Then I slipped on ice. It fucking hurt.

Today Jack and I were in English class and he was like, "This story is so gay!" And I stabbed him in the arm with my pen and now he's pissed at me. :D

"The silence isn't so bad 'till I look at my hands and feel sad, 'cuz the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly."

Go away....
I think everybody in this fucking school needs to leave me alone. GAH! ha, dear lordy...

Today I'm gonna see my SydnieBear! yaaaaaay!!!!!!!!! :D!!!!!!!!!!
and there's going to be a chocolate fountain.

I really need to sleep. My brain is exploding into a bajillion pieces and then burning up and then all the ashes are clumping together in a deformed lump and freezing. It's terrible.

Y'all should eat cake!
Yes... I did just say y'all. I give you permission to shoot me now.
And you should fly!
I love you!

Friday, February 11, 2011


Fuck you! stop it!

No. NO I don't love you. I never will. So give up. GOD DAMN IT GIVE UP! I know how you feel about me and I love you as nothing more than a sister. Fuck.... I'm such a coward. This will hurt you so badly if you realize it's for you but I'm too fucking scared to say it to your face. I never would be able to do shit for you and this just proves it.

Go away..... Go away! Go away! GO AWAY!

I'm sorry, love, but I've become the type of person who doesn't consider how others feel. I've become the kind of person that will spit you out once you get too close and you, my love, have gotten far too close. I'm sorry.

Besides, I love someone else. It isn't you. Sorry.

I love you. I guess.
But I love myself more.
I'm a fucking selfish coward.
I want you to cry when you read this because then you'll be able to accept that this is how it is. I want to hurt you so you go away because I don't want to get hurt in the end. I want to hurt you now so we can always live our lives thinking what if? What if I had loved you? What if I hadn't hurt you? What if I'd been a better person? What if what if what if?
I'll tell you what if. We would've fallen apart anyway and it would've hurt even more than the tears falling down your face now.
Are you even crying?
Do you realize this is for you?
Please do.
Cry now.

I'm such a terrible person, aren't I? I am. I want to hurt the ones I love so they can't love me back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

I keep apologizing, but I'm not sure I mean it. I know it's for the best so it's okay, right?

What if....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

One year

One full year of having this blog. Yay? Haha, I guess.

I've officially gone insane

What if life just went away? Just... Gone? But thats can't happen, can it? Because matter cannot be created or destroyed, right? So what if we took all the matter and made it into something else? What if we completely encased the earth in a cement like thing? Just a giant ball of cement, floating in outer space... We wouldn't be able to see it, but don't you think it'd be so lovely? Completely untouched by everything, any form of life, just floating randomly in space. I think it would be incredible. I would love to be a single person, wandering that blank cement planet. I would be completely, utterly alone. Just me and nothing. And then when i get hungry and i can't go on, i could just jump and i would float away. Wouldn't that be lovely? Just floating in space, forever preserved, above the loneliest planet? One wouldn't know it, as they'd be dead and once one is dead it's hard to know anything because they are dead, but it would be a beautifully sad sight. Perhaps it would be on the wedding day of a bride, when everything else melted into an unliving planet, and she wanders the earth, or what was the earth, singing a lovely song about everything bad, scary and wrong, and then she jumped. Can you imagine the beauty of that? A single beautiful person, dressed in beautiful clothing, whispering her lullaby so sad and sweet, the words frozen on her lips for all eternity. Oh, the beauty! And what if there is something somewhere else that finds the cement planet and the frozen lullaby bride. What thoughts would cross their mind? Would they be sacred? Would they take the bride in and chop her up until they see fit, or would they leave her floating above her lonely planet? And what of the planet? Would they shave and cut and hammer at the cement until they crack it's perfectly smooth surface? Would they dig under until they find whatever's left of the once-alive earth? And what would they call such a place? Where would they be from and where would they go? My beautiful bride, all cut into pieces would know, but she would not... Could not ever say. This lonely planet, so cold and alone, is something that should never be found. Locked away in the darkest corner of the ever-expanding universe. Kept hidden from everything that could harm it and it's frozen lullaby bride of a moon. Kept secret. Left alone. Too beautiful and sad for anyone to see, for nobody's ready to see. If it were there, they'd close their eyes. Wouldn't you do the same, if you weren't part of the planet? Something so terrifying and mysterious would surely cause doubt, confusion, panic. A message, perhaps, from the unexisting gods? A warning about the next three end of the world predictions? Nobody knows. Nobody will know. This earth continues to live, and our bride now sings merrier songs as she awaits her groom.
Why can't something as perfect as this be real?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Undaunted by Cheri Magill

Before I'd ever seen your eyes
Before I'd even recognize
Before you ever came into view
Somehow I already missed you
Until the winters days came
Until I heard you call my name
Until you said you would wait for me
I didn't know what love could be
With courage I have never seen
You remain a mystery
Daring to fight when you may not succeed
You have risked your everything
Betting on me
You're undaunted
Always undaunted
When I've spread myself to thin
When my pride is caving in
When I am the only one to blame
Somehow you remain the same
No matter what today will bring
No matter tomorrow's dream
No matter what we may go through
I'll never loose my faith in you
With courage I have never seen
You remain a mystery
Daring to fight when you may not succeed
You have risked your everything
Betting on me
You're undaunted
Always undaunted
With courage I have never seen
You remain a mystery
Daring to fight when you may not succeed
You have risked your everything
Betting on me
You're undaunted
Always undaunted

Undaunted, cheri magill <3

Love that song!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

I give up. You're not worth shit to me anymore.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Fuck you, kind sir.

I called your name
You walked away
You left me here
Just me and her
Lost in the sounds
You let me go down
So some build me up
and some turn me 'round
I couldn't forget
Or ever let go
You were just a bit
Lost in the flow
Closed eyes for a moment
Although I won't own it
I didn't realize
You had your own shit
Now I've moved on
That's what I say
But I love you so much
And think of you each day
So hold your head high
When you walk by
Don't look in my eyes
Believe all the lies
Don't see my love
Still waiting there
While I tried to hide
by pretending to care
I guess it's just that
We're both at fault
But we claim we're right
And continue to fight
I'm sick of your shit
But I'll not admit
That if this is it
It's not a good fit
Let go of it all
Let's hold hands as we fall
Never answer the call
Break down all walls
Forget about life
Forget about pain
Put down your knife
When I say your name
Together we fight
Take my hand again?
Please be my friend?
Unless this is the end...

Fuck you. I really fucking hate you. Really really really REALLY fucking hate you. Selfish fucking bastard! Two-faced coward! You make me so sick. You made me look at myself in the mirror and say "What the hell is wrong with me?" But I realized that there isn't anything wrong with me. It's you that so fucked up. You that fucked everything up. Do you know how hard I tried? Do you know how many nights I spent worrying about you? And what have you done for me? Yeah, you made me happy but then you let me fall with no intention of catching me. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I don't want to meet up with you there. You fucking hypocritical selfish cowardly two-faced backstabbing son of bitch! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Aah... Yeah. :)
Eat lots of cake!
And give some to me :)
and fly away!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


This is some seriously scary shit. I don't know if it's true or not but I swear I'm gonna have nightmares.

Russian researchers in the late 1940’s kept five people awake for fifteen days using an experimental gas based stimulant. They were kept in a sealed environment to carefully monitor their oxygen intake so the gas didn’t kill them, since it was toxic in high concentrations. This was before closed circuit cameras so they had only microphones and 5 inch thick glass porthole sized windows into the chamber to monitor them. The chamber was stocked with books, cots to sleep on but no bedding, running water and toilet, and enough dried food to last all five for over a month.
The test subjects were political prisoners deemed enemies of the state during world war II.
Everything was fine for the first 5 days, the subjects hardly complained having been promised (falsely) that they would be freed if they submitted to the test and did not sleep for 30 days. Their conversations and activities were monitored and it was noted that they continued to talk about increasingly traumatic incidents in their past, and the general tone of their conversations took on a darker aspect after the 4 day mark.
After five days they started to complain about the circumstances and events that lead them to where they were and started to demonstrate severe paranoia. They stopped talking to each other and began alternately whispering to the microphones and one way mirrored portholes. Oddly they all seemed to think they could win the trust of the experimenters by turning over their comrades, the other subjects in captivity with them. At first the researchers suspected this was an effect of the gas itself…
After nine days the first of them started screaming. He ran the length of the chamber repeatedly yelling at the top of his lungs for 3 hours straight, he continued attempting to scream but was only able to produce occasional squeaks. The researchers postulated that he had physically torn his vocal cords. The most surprising thing about this behavior is how the other captives reacted to it… or rather didn’t react to it. They continued whispering to the microphones until the second of the captives started to scream. The 2 non screaming captives took the books apart, smeared page after page with their own feces and pasted them calmly over the glass portholes. The screaming promptly stopped.
After 3 more days passed. The researchers checked the microphones hourly to make sure they were working, since they thought it impossible that no sound could be coming with 5 people inside. The oxygen consumption in the chamber indicated that all 5 must still be alive. In fact it was the amount of oxygen 5 people would consume at a very heavy level of strenuous exercise. On the morning of the 14th day the researchers did something they said they would not do to get a reaction from the captives, they used the intercom inside the chamber, hoping to provoke any response from the captives they were afraid were either dead or vegetables.
They announced: “We are opening the chamber to test the microphones step away from the doors and lie flat on the floor or you will be shot. Compliance will earn one of you your immediate freedom.”
To their surprise they heard a single phrase in a calm voice response: “We no longer want to be freed.”
Debate broke out among the researchers and the military forces funding the research. Unable to provoke any more response using the intercom it was finally decided to open the chamber at midnight on the fifteenth day.
The chamber was flushed of the stimulant gas and filled with fresh air and immediately voices from the microphones began to object. 3 different voices began begging, as if pleading for the life of loved ones to turn the gas back on. The chamber was opened and soldiers sent in to retrieve the test subjects. They began to scream louder than ever, and so did the soldiers when they saw what was inside. Four of the five subjects were still alive, although no one could rightly call the state that any of them in ‘life.’
The food rations past day 5 had not been so much as touched. There were chunks of meat from the dead test subject’s thighs and chest stuffed into the drain in the center of the chamber, blocking the drain and allowing 4 inches of water to accumulate on the floor. Precisely how much of the water on the floor was actually blood was never determined. All four ‘surviving’ test subjects also had large portions of muscle and skin torn away from their bodies. The destruction of flesh and exposed bone on their finger tips indicated that the wounds were inflicted by hand, not with teeth as the researchers initially thought. Closer examination of the position and angles of the wounds indicated that most if not all of them were self-inflicted.
The abdominal organs below the ribcage of all four test subjects had been removed. While the heart, lungs and diaphragm remained in place, the skin and most of the muscles attached to the ribs had been ripped off, exposing the lungs through the ribcage. All the blood vessels and organs remained intact, they had just been taken out and laid on the floor, fanning out around the eviscerated but still living bodies of the subjects. The digestive tract of all four could be seen to be working, digesting food. It quickly became apparent that what they were digesting was their own flesh that they had ripped off and eaten over the course of days.
Most of the soldiers were Russian special operatives at the facility, but still many refused to return to the chamber to remove the test subjects. They continued to scream to be left in the chamber and alternately begged and demanded that the gas be turned back on, lest they fall asleep…
To everyone’s surprise the test subjects put up a fierce fight in the process of being removed from the chamber. One of the Russian soldiers died from having his throat ripped out, another was gravely injured by having his testicles ripped off and an artery in his leg severed by one of the subject’s teeth. Another 5 of the soldiers lost their lives if you count ones that committed suicide in the weeks following the incident.
In the struggle one of the four living subjects had his spleen ruptured and he bled out almost immediately. The medical researchers attempted to sedate him but this proved impossible. He was injected with more than ten times the human dose of a morphine derivative and still fought like a cornered animal, breaking the ribs and arm of one doctor. When heart was seen to beat for a full two minutes after he had bled out to the point there was more air in his vascular system than blood. Even after it stopped he continued to scream and flail for another 3 minutes, struggling attack anyone in reach and just repeating the word “MORE” over and over, weaker and weaker, until he finally fell silent.
The surviving three test subjects were heavily restrained and moved to a medical facility, the two with intact vocal cords continuously begging for the gas demanding to be kept awake…
The most injured of the three was taken to the only surgical operating room that the facility had. In the process of preparing the subject to have his organs placed back within his body it was found that he was effectively immune to the sedative they had given him to prepare him for the surgery. He fought furiously against his restraints when the anesthetic gas was brought out to put him under. He managed to tear most of the way through a 4 inch wide leather strap on one wrist, even through the weight of a 200 pound soldier holding that wrist as well. It took only a little more anesthetic than normal to put him under, and the instant his eyelids fluttered and closed, his heart stopped. In the autopsy of the test subject that died on the operating table it was found that his blood had triple the normal level of oxygen. His muscles that were still attached to his skeleton were badly torn and he had broken 9 bones in his struggle to not be subdued. Most of them were from the force his own muscles had exerted on them.
The second survivor had been the first of the group of five to start screaming. His vocal cords destroyed he was unable to beg or object to surgery, and he only reacted by shaking his head violently in disapproval when the anesthetic gas was brought near him. He shook his head yes when someone suggested, reluctantly, they try the surgery without anesthetic, and did not react for the entire 6 hour procedure of replacing his abdominal organs and attempting to cover them with what remained of his skin. The surgeon presiding stated repeatedly that it should be medically possible for the patient to still be alive. One terrified nurse assisting the surgery stated that she had seen the patients mouth curl into a smile several times, whenever his eyes met hers.
When the surgery ended the subject looked at the surgeon and began to wheeze loudly, attempting to talk while struggling. Assuming this must be something of drastic importance the surgeon had a pen and pad fetched so the patient could write his message. It was simple “Keep cutting.”
The other two test subjects were given the same surgery, both without anesthetic as well. Although they had to be injected with a paralytic for the duration of the operation. The surgeon found it impossible to perform the operation while the patients laughed continuously. Once paralyzed the subjects could only follow the attending researchers with their eyes. The paralytic cleared their system in an abnormally short period of time and they were soon trying to escape their bonds. The moment they could speak they were again asking for the stimulant gas. The researchers tried asking why they had injured themselves, why they had ripped out their own guts and why they wanted to be given the gas again.
Only one response was given: “I must remain awake.”
All three subject’s restraints were reinforced and they were placed back into the chamber awaiting determination as to what should be done with them. The researchers, facing the wrath of their military ‘benefactors’ for having failed the stated goals of their project considered euthanizing the surviving subjects. The commanding officer, an ex-KGB instead saw potential, and wanted to see what would happen if they were put back on the gas. The researchers strongly objected, but were overruled.
In preparation for being sealed in the chamber again the subjects were connected to an EEG monitor and had their restraints padded for long term confinement. To everyone’s surprise all three stopped struggling the moment it was let slip that they were going back on the gas. It was obvious that at this point all three were putting up a great struggle to stay awake. One of subjects that could speak was humming loudly and continuously; the mute subject was straining his legs against the leather bonds with all his might, first left, then right, then left again for something to focus on. The remaining subject was holding his head off his pillow and blinking rapidly. Having been the first to be wired for EEG most of the researchers were monitoring his brain waves in surprise. They were normal most of the time but sometimes flat lined inexplicably. It looked as if he were repeatedly suffering brain death, before returning to normal. As they focused on paper scrolling out of the brainwave monitor only one nurse saw his eyes slip shut at the same moment his head hit the pillow. His brainwaves immediately changed to that of deep sleep, then flatlined for the last time as his heart simultaneously stopped.
The only remaining subject that could speak started screaming to be sealed in now. His brainwaves showed the same flatlines as one who had just died from falling asleep. The commander gave the order to seal the chamber with both subjects inside, as well as 3 researchers. One of the named three immediately drew his gun and shot the commander point blank between the eyes, then turned the gun on the mute subject and blew his brains out as well.
He pointed his gun at the remaining subject, still restrained to a bed as the remaining members of the medical and research team fled the room. “I won’t be locked in here with these things! Not with you!” he screamed at the man strapped to the table. “WHAT ARE YOU?” he demanded. “I must know!”
“Have you forgotten so easily?” The subject asked. “We are you.” “We are the madness that lurks within you all, begging to be free at every moment in your deepest animal mind.” “We are what you hide from in your beds every night. We are what you sedate into silence and paralysis when you go to the nocturnal haven where we cannot tread.”
The researcher paused. Then aimed at the subject’s heart and fired.
The EEG flatlined as the subject weakly choked out “so… nearly… free…”

Freaky, right?
I may post again later, maybe not. Lots has happened but I don't know what I want to say, or how to say it or whether I should or not... ah well.
Lots of love!
eat cake!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Maybe I should disappear for forever. Maybe I should run away and start completely new. Maybe I should stop trying to find new ways of destroying myself. Maybe I shouldn't close up. Maybe I should lose touch with everyone. Maybe I should fade into nothing. Maybe I should become just a memory. Maybe I should hide myself. Maybe I should protect everyone else from how hideous I am inside. Maybe I shouldn't fall when I know nobody will catch me. Maybe I shouldn't fall when I'm not willing to catch myself. Maybe I should give up on dreaming. Maybe I should just accept things for what they are. Maybe I should keep on living. Maybe I should keep this stupid smile plastered to my face so wide it destracts everyone from my tears. Maybe I should stop lying to myself. Maybe I should realize that nothing is ever worth it in the end. Maybe I should save myself from heartbreak. Maybe I should leave everything and everyone behind. Maybe I should give up completely. Maybe I like the sound of that. Maybe I hate the sound of that. Maybe I should organize my mind. Maybe I should listen to my heart and maybe I should listen to my mind and maybe, just maybe, I should shut of one or the other. Maybe I should ask for help. But I won't. I never will.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

What happens when I try to sleep.

Once upon a time there was a young girl named cate. One night, cate couldn't sleep so she started counting sheep. However, she got distracted by how silly the sheep were, she she took them up into the mountains and lived with them. Then one day, a hungry wolf came along. He tried to eat one of the sheep, but cate caught him. She would have killed him, but she thought wolves were really cute, so she tamed him instead. He kept watch over cate and all her little sheep while they slept at night. Then, one day, an evil hunter came along! He wanted to kill the sheep and the wolves, but cate wouldn't ever let such things happen! She attacked the hunter and kicked his butt. Her and her sheep and her wolf lived happily, until a evil bear came along one day! They ran from it as fast as they could and hid in a cave until it left. Since then, they lived happily ever after!

I can't get on youtube, but the song for today is I'm still breathing by Katie Perry.

Good bye!
eat cake!
And fly!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I have two songs for today.

not much to say, cuz my brain is dead. Umm... I'm excited for monday. afterschool that is. I didn;t end up blazing on friday, but that's okay. I had fun anyways. Elsa and the sexiest cutest lesbian EVER randomly visited today. It was really awkward. haha

good bye!
eat cake
and fly

Friday, January 7, 2011


This is the opening for my least favorite Anime-only arc. But it's an amazing opening. I love Beat Crusaders. They're awesome. And silly. haha, the song today was gonna be Box full o' Honey by <3Duran Duran<3 but they had no good videos on youtube. SAD FACE! haha

Today after school I think imma go blaze with Bri and Sarahi and Sarahi's boyfriend, James. Shall be fun!

Any-who, dass ist it.
so eat cake.
and fly.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Life is so terrible. Even when it's amazing, it's terrible. but whatever, yeah? We're all gonna die sooner or later.
That sounded really suicidal right there, but I'm not. pinky promise.

Linkin Park-Waiting for the end.
'cuz it reminds me of someone. And the video is SO trippy!

:) 'cuz I'm fucking stubborn.

Yesterday Anton and Elsa and Liz and I hung out and had soooo much fun! I got a pair of those knee-high converse. SUPER CUTE! :D

eat cake!
and fly!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

par amour

Oh, this song is gorgeous. <3

Monday, January 3, 2011

fun stuff

That's the song for yesterday. It's got no real significance, except that I feel like being a bit of a bitch. Long story. Anyway, I went to Elsa's yesterday because she FINALLY got back from Brazil. I didn't post yesterday because I passed out as soon as I got home. At her house, though, there was Anton (yay!) and My sister (kinda awkward at times) and Elsa (of course) Fiona and Amanda. Amanda is like, the cutest, sexiest, most fuckable dyke I've EVER MET! I wanted to strip her down and... yeah right there but... I didn't. haha. Fiona seemed pretty nice and she was definitely someone I'd be able to get along with easily.

That's the song for today.

I hate being back at school. BLEH! I'm pretty much passed out right now and I don't want to go to either Spanish or Biology. Spanish 'cuz I didn't do the big assignment and Biology 'cuz I never wanna go there. It's the worst. haha. At least today has been pretty easy. I've been in Geography, English and Math so far and I got homework in all but I finished Geography and Math in class and English is really easy.

So that's possibly it? Oh yeah! I can't post at home 'cuz my father took away my computer privileges and I think he thinks he shut down my Facebook but no way in hell am I letting him do that again. So yeah. :)

Adios, to you!
eat cake
and fly