Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I've been grounded for a week which means no posts. I'm sorry I didn't post sooner but I didn't have anything to say and now I do and it got me my internet taken from me. my dad hasn't changed the password yet though, so this will be the last post for a week :(

Anyways I have decided what-or rather, who-I want.
I think?

I'll post more on this later but now I must go!
I love you all!

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Good bye! :)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I just wish somebody would have told me when I was in the same position.
I just wish somebody would have told me how wrong I was.
Someday you'll thank me.
I hope.

You've always had a hard time of admiting when you were wrong.

I'm not going to cave in this time. My will is not going to break. It always has before but now it's your turn. Your turn to feel guilt. Your turn to apologize. Your turn to fix it.

Do you even know how?

This is a test. This is a quiz. But there is just one question. There is just one right answer. If you succeed, you win. If you fail, you lose. Simple as that.

I don't think you know the answer. Do you even know the question? Do you even hear what I say to you? Or does it fall out your ears, like it always seems too.

You said you're tired of being treated like you don't care. Now you knwo how I feel.

You said you're tired of being treated like you don't care. Wasn't that your intention? To not care?

You said you're tired of being treated like you don't care. Show you do.

I have cried. I have worried. I have hated. I have feared.
You have made me cry and worry and hate and fear.

Do you even want to win? Do you even care if you lose? You don't seem like you do.

Is it so unfair? Is it so unfair that after having all the fights, I am always the one who apologizes. Have you ever said sorry to me? Have you ever even noticed when I wasn't around? I have always fixed it.

So good bye? Is this it? After everything, this seems too simple.

Monday, June 21, 2010


You're not as wounded as you think. You've been through some hard shit , yeah, but this is NOT worth tearing yourself up over! You refuse to be happy! You refuse to open your god damn eyes and see how much everybody loves you! Yeah, I've been "off" the past week or so but thats because I'm tired beacause I've stayed up night after night after night trying to fix your life. Worying about you.

You can handle the bigger things, like devorce and shit , well but when it comes to little stupid shit you fall apart! You say you aren't in love with him but you are! you haven't even met the guy and you're crazy about him! You tell me you just "like him a lot" but nobody gets this beat up over somebody who they just "like a lot".

You drive me insane because you act so depressed. Like everything is out to get you. Grow the fuck up! All you ever do is focus on the bad things in your life. I've told you again and again to focus on the good things, too. What's your response? THERE ARE NO GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE! how full of shit can you be? Can't you see how much I love you? Or does it just nto register when I say it. Every day. You're parents may be fucked up, but at least you have them! At least they give you freedom. At least they don't beat you. At least they care. And all your friends! you have these people who you can lean on, no matter what, and you take us all for granted! You don't want to learn the hard way. You don't want to learn like I did.

Last year I hated myself. I hated my body, my attitude, my hair, my smile. I hated everything. I was so jealous and I made my life hell. But I had Jessie and Alex who stood by my side the whole time. they didn't give up on me, even when I seemed so hopeless. Even though it hurt them, too, to see me so depressed and hateful. I didn't know then, but now I do. I'm sorry for putting them through all this @#!*% you're putting me through now.

I want to hate you. All you've ever done is hurt me again and again and again. All you ever do is keep secrets, even though I try to tell you everything about myself. You've made me want to close up again and again. You've broken my heart, you've put it back together, and now you've broken it again. You've made me hate myself. You've made me hate the world. You've made me hate and hate and hate! I can't stand you!

But I love you too much. You've made me hate but you've also made me love. In a twisted, cruel way, but love nonetheless.

You love me but I have too much doubt. If you did you wouldn't hurt me. If you did you wouldn't lie to me. If you did you would trust me. If you did you would show it.

I'm trying to be patient but I'm honestly at my last straw. I swear to god, if you break my heart one more time I am done with you. I've said it before, but I honestly will this time. I've given you chance after chance after chance and you keep @#!*% everything up and keep expecting another one. Here is your warning.

Unforunatley, I still love you.
And I love all of you too! :)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Home sweet home!

We drove back from Colorado today! Now I'm back home with my doggy again! :D

So lets recap june, shall we?

1- Nada!
2- Feild day/last day of school. Then me and Anne walked to baskin robins and ate a banana split and then went to the dollar theater and watched a movie... I can't remember what movie we saw. I think it was Alice in Wonderland. Then I went to graduation at night. :'(
3-Cleaning my room, packing
4-I was going to go to Pride with Sydnie/Cindy and Chucky but it wasn't going so we sat outside of burger king and laughed and threw money then we skipped down the street with a random gay boy and it was FUN!
5-Drove to Colorado
6-19 I stayed at my Grandma's house and didn't do much except get completely addicted to FullMetal Alchemist and hang out with my cousin and such :)
Today- drove home from Colorado.

So lets see.... People in my life...?

Quin- not really talking but I'm accepting it more.
Chucky- I don't know....
Anton- I miss you! lots!
Other people- MEH!
Sydnie/Cindy- Heeheeeheeeeeeeeeee I need you?

hahaha sorry this post kinda sucks but I'm tired as shit and I'm thinking about lots of stuff and I can't get any of it straight so I'm gonna go back and I might post later or I might not...

good-bye and I love you!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Almost good enough

But of course, I never am.

So... I'm still at my grand parent's. woo... I'm leaving in a week. Thank god.

So here's the main reason I wanted to post.

I was talking to Quin on Thursday and we were just flirting and such but he asked me what was on my mind and I told him that I was with Chucky who I love with my whole heart and I would never EVER cheat on her but I didn't want to just tell him to fuck off because I like him too. he said he was sorry for tempting me and I shouldn't have flirted back because I was sending him the wrong message and I told him I know and I apologized too and we talked a little about cheaters and players and we decided not to hang out any more because we're both really into each other and like I said I will NEVER EVER cheat on my Chucky. after a while he said "I think itd prolly be best if i jus didnt talk to you or see you.. im gonna try an vent.. bye cate goodluck.. tell tha fucker hes lucky for you.." and then I just broke down. I haven't talked to him since then and I really really REALLY fucking miss him and I've pretty much gone all depressed again but it's weird cuz... I should be happy. I should be glad I'm not tempted to even think about cheating on my Chucky but I feel guilty for hurting Quin and sad because I miss him like jesus fuck.... GAH!!!

What is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be happy? Why aren't I?


So other then that my stay here has been pretty.... bleh. I don't really do anything except hang out and watch FullMetal Alchemist (WHICH I TOTALLY RECOMEND!!!! If you're into annime....) and obbsessing over Colonel Roy Mustang and Uryu Ishida who are both amazing Anime Characters... I also read and listen to music. That's about it. I watched Alice in Wonderland again. Twice. That's like.... 5 times I've seen it.

I also realized that teenage boys are much more fun to hang out with than teenage girls. The girls are stupid and annoying, the boy are stupid and funny. :)

Hmmm... I have not much else to say. Ohyeah, conflicts mentioned in the last post have all been resolved and shit so yeah. Now good bye!

Aaaaand I love you!

P.S. Tell me what you think of the new colors. I like black and red and blue together, but yeah! <3

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Ok, really super quick post. I had other things planned but then I left and I won't be back for a while which means I wont have real computer access here. I mean, I have access but I'm at my Omi and Opa's so I feel kinda bad for using the computer even though I mostly shut myself away in my room and read or something.

So... um... What has been happening? I am ruining a lot of stuff and being selfish and stupid and unusually stubborn, but I'll write about that when I get back in two weeks.

I fucking hate it here. Everybody is so fake. They fake their perfect lives in their perfect houses that all look alike with their perfect spouses and perfect children and perfect jobs.... It drives me insane! Think Holden Caulfield or Margo Roth Spiegleman... If you've read those books.

I'm getting depressed again, but I'm trying really hard to keep my head above water. I don't want to drown again, like last year....

Or Carmen, if I chose to stick to her code name or whatever, but I've decided to kinda discard those because they confused me a tad bit. I'm still debating using CINDY though... (CUZ I LOVE YOU!!!!)

So Quin has been really incredibly flirty lately and last night he was telling me that no matter how many other people we see I'm still his.... I decided I'm just going to laugh it off and act like he's joking. I do NOT want to cheat on my Chucky. I love her a lot.

My temper has been really short, and it would take way too long to tell all of my arguments so I'm gonna do that in two weeks if I can remember them all!

Lots of love and I am not dead-ness!

Thursday, June 3, 2010


In this big scary world. I was somewhere I felt safe. I was somewhere I was comfortable. I decided to leave it.

It's like I've been running in circles for four fucking years and now I'm going somewhere.... Am I going forward, though?
I went to graduation. I ended up hiding downstairs crying....

I know it may seem cheesy and completly cliche, but I want to say goodbye. To all my classmates, to the graduating class, to the teachers and to my school in general....

***MY CLASS****

Anne- You are so sweet and adorable. I love you so freaking much! I will NOT EVER loose touch with you. EVER.

Ariel- I know I got very mad at you and kinda pretty much treated you like shit, but I do love you. You are sweet and thoughtful and I'm insanely jealous of your hair.

Ben- You're insane. I'm going to miss you lots :)

Julia- People call you stupid but you aren't. You are beautiful and smart and incredibly smart. I'm going to miss your crazy positivity

Michaela- I know you are sad that you're leaving this school, too, but you'll do great at West. You were the person to talk to me when I came to this school and.... I love you so much. I regret not spending more time with you, but I'm grateful to have known you at all. You're amazing!

Mike- I'm gonna miss you're crazy hyperness and funny attitude. You can be a total dick sometimes, but I do love you! Creeper :P

Sammy- God I am going to miss you so much! You are sweet and smart and so freaking amazing! I may have said some things that hurt you during the year, but I take it all back. You're awesome <3

SYDNIE!!!!!!!!!- Cindy hahahahaha I LOVE YOU! I fail epically at wrestling you! Thank you so much for being my best friend this year. And next year, Too. GO TO CITY!!! Or I'll have o hurt you. Not that I could. YOu're so funny and sweet and YOU ARE HOTTTTTTT haha That old man thinks we're a lesbian couple xD I will never ever EVER loose contact with you, okay? I could go on and on about how amazing you are, but I'm lazy and there are other people.... xox!

Zac- i don't even know. You're a crazy drug-addicted.... ha I do love you though. Even if you hate everything about... everything. Be happy, okay?


first off, to all of you-Congratulations!

Alec- You're really cute! haha and smart and funny and why the hell didn't you tell us we were performing until we were there? Ha, it's ok though, I forgive you. Thank god for printers though! haha

Ali- I, personally, think you're a bitch. You annoy the shit outta me. But you're Chucky's best friend so... I guess I love you for making her happy. :)

Audrey- You're very quite so I don't know you very well, but I remember once I was being a hand model for your photography project and you were working with Rhea who has a way of making people open up and be happy and I saw you smile for the first time and you have a gorgeous smile. I like that you don't wear makeup because you have a lot of natural beauty and you're really sweet and I'm gonna miss you. :)

Chris- You are also insanely quiet, but you're my bestest friend ever in the whole wide world even if you don't know it! hahaha half the time I wouldn't even realize you were in the room..... Imma miss you and you must visit so I can torture you some more!

Duncan- Flying Ginger! You are crazy good at soccer! There is something else I want to say here but my sister would kill me! You're also a wicked good actor! I loved you as the wizard and as the vampire-hunter dude with the cool hat. :)

Grace- I will miss you so much! You are funny and sweet and very pretty and you have the most amazing smile! I wish I could have gotten to know you better. <3

Jiyeon- I don't really know you too well because you're all quiet and I had no classes with you but you seem really sweet and nice and I'm gonna miss your nervous giggle you have :)

Katie- I always thought of you as a bitch but you aren't! what Laura said about you in your graduation speech really was true. Out of all the graduating highschoolers, I'm definitely going to miss you most. You must come and visit sometime, ok? ok. <3

Pooreun- I remember when I met you at the auction we had so much in common and we had so much fun together at the bag-selling place! haha I'm gonna miss you lots and lots! Especially your sweet smile, attitude, and everything about you!

Reem- <33333333333333333333333!!!!!!!!!! I'm really glad you didn't succeed in.... yeah. I would have missed you so much! You're so sweet and caring and beautiful and I love you lots! But now you've graduated so I'll miss you lots and lots. Come visit!

Remi- You're stupid as hell and, frankly, I don't know how you graduated highschool. But you're really really sweet and adorable and you've got good taste in guys! haha

I'm sure you'll all do awesome and I'm gonna miss you all lots! xox!

So this was supposed to be published a while ago but I started it and then never finished it until now so here you go!

I love you all SO FUCKING MUCH!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I love you. More then you will ever know. I know I say again and again how much I hate you and tell myself again and again that I'm going to cut you out of my life but, honey, I'd die without you. You're amazing. I love you.

My head is exploding. I want to drown. I want to give up and give in. I want to float away....

What happens to someone after they die? I want to believe that there is a God and that there is a heaven or hell or an afterlife or something... I don't. I think that when you die it's just.... Nothing.
Now you see me, now you don't.
That scares me. I like knowing where I'm going or knowing what will happen and the thought that someday all this love and hate and everything I feel will just be gone.

Today was the last day of school, although we didn't do anything. We have field day tomorrow, but I don't really count that as school.

I'm going to miss it.
So much.
But this is what I want.
Isn't it?

last night, a friend was sad and I wasn't.
I felt bad.
I felt like I was laughing at their pain even though I wasn't. i felt ashamed I wasn't relating to them the way they needed. I felt guilty for seeing things differently.
For being my own person.


Goodbye then.
I love you!