Venting

You're not as wounded as you think. You've been through some hard shit , yeah, but this is NOT worth tearing yourself up over! You refuse to be happy! You refuse to open your god damn eyes and see how much everybody loves you! Yeah, I've been "off" the past week or so but thats because I'm tired beacause I've stayed up night after night after night trying to fix your life. Worying about you.

You can handle the bigger things, like devorce and shit , well but when it comes to little stupid shit you fall apart! You say you aren't in love with him but you are! you haven't even met the guy and you're crazy about him! You tell me you just "like him a lot" but nobody gets this beat up over somebody who they just "like a lot".

You drive me insane because you act so depressed. Like everything is out to get you. Grow the fuck up! All you ever do is focus on the bad things in your life. I've told you again and again to focus on the good things, too. What's your response? THERE ARE NO GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE! how full of shit can you be? Can't you see how much I love you? Or does it just nto register when I say it. Every day. You're parents may be fucked up, but at least you have them! At least they give you freedom. At least they don't beat you. At least they care. And all your friends! you have these people who you can lean on, no matter what, and you take us all for granted! You don't want to learn the hard way. You don't want to learn like I did.

Last year I hated myself. I hated my body, my attitude, my hair, my smile. I hated everything. I was so jealous and I made my life hell. But I had Jessie and Alex who stood by my side the whole time. they didn't give up on me, even when I seemed so hopeless. Even though it hurt them, too, to see me so depressed and hateful. I didn't know then, but now I do. I'm sorry for putting them through all this @#!*% you're putting me through now.

I want to hate you. All you've ever done is hurt me again and again and again. All you ever do is keep secrets, even though I try to tell you everything about myself. You've made me want to close up again and again. You've broken my heart, you've put it back together, and now you've broken it again. You've made me hate myself. You've made me hate the world. You've made me hate and hate and hate! I can't stand you!

But I love you too much. You've made me hate but you've also made me love. In a twisted, cruel way, but love nonetheless.

You love me but I have too much doubt. If you did you wouldn't hurt me. If you did you wouldn't lie to me. If you did you would trust me. If you did you would show it.

I'm trying to be patient but I'm honestly at my last straw. I swear to god, if you break my heart one more time I am done with you. I've said it before, but I honestly will this time. I've given you chance after chance after chance and you keep @#!*% everything up and keep expecting another one. Here is your warning.

Unforunatley, I still love you.
And I love all of you too! :)
ittyK