Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I have never felt so selfish in my whole life. I'm sorry for being depressed and for cutting and starving myself and wanting to die. I'm sorry for feeling I wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I thought I was the victim. I'm sorry I'm stupid and mean and shallow and every disgusting thing even though I have absolutely no reason to be that way. I have been given everything I could want, but I've been too stupid to see. I will try to be happy now. And if I can't, I won't show my pain. Because I have no right to be sad when I have so much.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Two am and delerious.

Everything is falling apart.
This past year was one of the worst I've ever had. There have been points in time when I would have killed myself, but it was the thought of my sister that would stop me. I am so scared that if I'm forced to go back to that place and I don't have her to keep my head above water I won't be able to stop myself and I'll start cutting again or something stupid like that....

I hate being such a fucking coward. I hate being so emotional and being so easily overwhelmed and everything I do and feel...
I fucking loathe myself.
I wish I'd never been born, but I'm far to scared to kill myself. Even I'm not quite that selfish.

So lets put on those fucking fake smiles, everybody, and pretend like we're perfect and happy even when we're all drowning.

Fuck you.
Fuck me.
Fuck everything.

I'm so sick of everything. I'm so entirely fed up with living. Why do I have to go through this?
I'm so selfish, but not enough yet.

I will be.
Once I give up.
Once I forget who I am
and stop being so fucking scared.
I look forward to that day.
The day when I vanish.
That will be a good day for everyone.
I promise.
Bam! In the head. Poof. Gone. Dead.
The End.

But not today. Not yet. I'm still too fucked to do it. And things are looking up, right? It's not entirely hopeless, right? I don't think so.
But I am still scared.

What has happened? Well, my sister moved into her dorm. I've stolen her room. I was in a relationship then we broke up. The damn bitch...
I preformed 1984 at YTU this year. I was a coffee vendor/guard. It was pretty sick :)
I went to California and that was cool until Yosemite where I was pretty much sick of my family and wanted to go home and I couldn't hike because of my fucking piece of shit foot and the food was shit and there were a fuck ton of people.

Anyway, that's it.
So eat cake!
And fly..

Monday, August 8, 2011

All the things I'll never understand.

When everything you have isn't good enough and everything you or anyone else can do won't make you happy, what do you expect me to do? What do you expect anyone to do? You can't want us to be perfect because, yes, you will be let down. You can't want something so damn impossible. But you do, and when people are less than perfect you play the victim and claim you knew it all along and all that other bullshit. No. You did not know what was going to happen. If you did, you wouldn't have started anything in the first place. You're a disgusting, lying piece of shit who isn't worth anything. But, god dammit, why do I still love you? That's what I ask myself over and over again. The conclusion? I don't. I don't dislike you either. I nothing you. I guess all the years of friendship and everything we may have had at one point is just gone. Poof. For you, replaced by drugs and alcohol. For me, replaced by what? Depression? You know, those years where we were closer than best friends were the best of my life. But I messed up and you messed up and all that happiness has slipped through my fingers and turned artificial in yours. It's always nice to know that I can be replaced by something so obviously killing you. But whatever. I guess I give up. I feel really stupid for bitching about this shit online because I know it won't ever help anything. And I know it's all got the same effect in the end. I'm sorry for being stupid, like always. I'll just remove myself permanently from your life. All you'll have is memories. No, I'm not going to kill myself. But to you, I will simply disappear. We will see each other again, and I will smile and pretend to have fun, but I will be gone. I wish you would do the same for me. I really did love you, and losing you did hurt but now you're gone and it's okay. I'll be okay. I am okay. You are, too. Life is good.

So... Yeah...
Eat cake!
And fly

Thursday, June 2, 2011


I've been neglecting this blog.
Anyway, I had a falling out with Bri and Sarahi and Sage and all those people but it's okay. Anton is here and it has been fun. We've hung out a few times and Daisy and I are determined to find him a puppy suit before he leaves because he totally looks like Alex Carpenter. School is almost out! I have three more days, not counting the few hours I have left today.

My sister graduated! AAH! It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. I didn't cry that much.

That's all for now since I have no time left! I'll post again if I remember!

Monday, May 23, 2011



Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I really don't understand

Why? Why the hell are you beating yourself over me? Why are you getting so fucking depressed? Why do all of them do that?
Sage, Jake, Graham...
All those people who I lead on and drop. Don't they know I'm just a bitch? Don't they know I never had any intention of doing shit? WHAT THE HELL?!

Ah well. I just don't fucking get it. I'm not that great. Definitely not worth all the bull shit they put themselves through over me. Whatever, though.

I'm supposed to be working but I really don't want to so I'm not. Actually, I'm not supposed to be working 'cause I'm done. I just don't want to bring it up because then I'll have to work. Ah, well.

So, people are really REALLY fucking stupid. And I hope the person this is directed to is reading this, but before hand I must apologize to them. I'm going to be really fucking honest and bitchy about what I think about all this shit you're doing.

First, you met your BOYFRIEND maybe one or two weeks ago. You might be fucking pregnant. You're fucking 13! WHAT THE HELL? You say she didn't know him so he was never hers but you don't know him any fucking better. All you do with him is get high and fuck. REALLY?
Second, you like that other guy. You know what I think about him? He's a scared, good for nothing, naive asshole. He really is. So what if he let you stay over at his house? So what if he sung to you that night? SO FUCKING WHAT? He doesn't care about you. He cares about himself and nobody else. And you know it's true. And don't fucking say he cares about you because he really doesn't. He doesn't want to feel alone. He's using you. You know he is.
Third, do you fucking KNOW what you're doing to your BEST FRIEND? Not the one you're replacing her with, the one who actually fucking cares. You are fucking KILLING her! Do you have any idea how worried she is about you? Do you have any idea how hurt she is that you are the one who everyone loves and she's now the one in your shadow? Do you fucking know what your selfish behavior is doing to her? Fucking bitch.
Fourth, you're a fucking slut. So what if you lost your V card? (To someone you don't even fucking know, I may add) So what if guys like you? You think you're going to feel better if you throw yourselves at them and fuck until you get pregnant or get some STD? When that happens, I won't be there for you anymore. Neither will she. We won't feel sorry because we warned you plenty. We will be pissed because you didn't listen. We will be pissed because I just know you will turn around and find some way to blame us. We will be pissed because, after trying so fucking hard to save your life that night, you will try to kill yourself again and again until you succeed.
Stop being so ridiculous.
Stop fucking up your life so badly.
Stop blaming others.
just fucking stop.
Take a breath, look at what you want which is clearly just not to be alone. Then do something to fix it that won't fuck up your life.
I mean, really? You're being dumb.
You're being selfish, stupid and annoying.
I still love you, but you need to slow the hell down.


Anyway, I'm done now.
So eat cake or something.
And you should fly.
I love you!

p.s. I'm listening to Neon Trees and I SAW THEM LIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm broken.

But it's okay.

Fuck me, my life has been insane!

I've broken a heart, I've talked my friend out of suicide, I've gotten high quite a few times, I've been to a few concerts, I've got a kind-of girlfriend, I've been backwards and upside down and I've cried myself to sleep and I've been in such a good mood that NOTHING can bring me down and everything has been screwed up and messed up and fucked up and high up and given up and fucking awesome and just... woah.

I have a Tumblr now, which I am using quite a bit more often than blogger. So, if you don't already, follow me. I like having followers. YAY! :)

So, right now I'm trying to ignore the fact that Sage looks like he wants to cry whenever he sees me, the fact that my honeybee is locked up somewhere and she can only write letters to communicate, the fact that Sarahi is upset (even though I really should be trying to help her) and everything and I'm trying to keep my happiness going for as long as I can. Because fucking Friday..... Was insane. And SO MUCH FUN! It was fabulously fabulous. Awesomely amazingly incredibly PERFECT in every fucking way EVER!

God.... I get ridiculously giddy when I just think about it. It involved a half hour of a mediocre band, a half hour of Neon Trees, and fucking two hours of My Chemical Romance and then two hours of cuddling with a GORGEOUS girl and then an hour of Dennys at two in the morning. IT WAS SO MUCH FUCKING FUN!


So, next week I get surgery and I'll be stuck in bed for, like, a week. Which will suck until Cheyenne, the most gorgeous girl EVER visits me =] I'm excited for that. =]

Now I am done being a spaz.
So good bye.
Eat cake
and fly