Saturday, August 20, 2011

Two am and delerious.

Everything is falling apart.
This past year was one of the worst I've ever had. There have been points in time when I would have killed myself, but it was the thought of my sister that would stop me. I am so scared that if I'm forced to go back to that place and I don't have her to keep my head above water I won't be able to stop myself and I'll start cutting again or something stupid like that....

I hate being such a fucking coward. I hate being so emotional and being so easily overwhelmed and everything I do and feel...
I fucking loathe myself.
I wish I'd never been born, but I'm far to scared to kill myself. Even I'm not quite that selfish.

So lets put on those fucking fake smiles, everybody, and pretend like we're perfect and happy even when we're all drowning.

Fuck you.
Fuck me.
Fuck everything.

I'm so sick of everything. I'm so entirely fed up with living. Why do I have to go through this?
I'm so selfish, but not enough yet.

I will be.
Once I give up.
Once I forget who I am
and stop being so fucking scared.
I look forward to that day.
The day when I vanish.
That will be a good day for everyone.
I promise.
Bam! In the head. Poof. Gone. Dead.
The End.

But not today. Not yet. I'm still too fucked to do it. And things are looking up, right? It's not entirely hopeless, right? I don't think so.
But I am still scared.

What has happened? Well, my sister moved into her dorm. I've stolen her room. I was in a relationship then we broke up. The damn bitch...
I preformed 1984 at YTU this year. I was a coffee vendor/guard. It was pretty sick :)
I went to California and that was cool until Yosemite where I was pretty much sick of my family and wanted to go home and I couldn't hike because of my fucking piece of shit foot and the food was shit and there were a fuck ton of people.

Anyway, that's it.
So eat cake!
And fly..

1 comment:

  1. When liofe is shit as it invariably is you have two options.

    Lie face down in the crap or roll onto your back and look up to the stars.

    Wish I had some clever words that would make everything ok but life doesn't work like that. Just say fuck it a carry on regardless.