Tuesday, October 26, 2010

boys are silly

Following is a conversation between my friend and the guy she has a crush on. I'm 90% he likes her too, even though it may not seem like it in this conversation.

Oh hey, what's up?
Nothing much.
Well, guess what?
My class just won a competition in Cedar City, which was so great because I love
Shakespeare, right, and theater is like, my freaking life! It was so great!

Ummm, yeah, it was awesome. It was pretty much the best thing that's happened to me in a while.
Uhhhh... so I also got a solo in musical theater?
And also I'm going to the moon, becoming the president of the US, going on Broadway, getting married to a rockstar, and having fifty children. We're gonna live on Mars.

I just had to post it. It made me laugh so hard. Shows how enthusaistic straight boys are! XD
Eat cake!
and fly!

Sunday, October 24, 2010


please just... don't. I've got so much shit going on right now and I don't need ANYTHING else.
Please just fuck off.
Please just leave me alone!
Please understand when I say no
please understand I never intended anything else
Please let me go
Please do it.
For me.

FUCK YOU!!!! aaah! what the hell is wrong with you??? GAH!!!!!!!!!

Do you realize how much it hurts whe you walk away from me? Do you know how much my heart breaks every god damn time you refuse my help? I get that you're going through a lot of shit and I am too, but I just want to help. Don't mess up what we had. Please. I want it back. I want to go back to those days and never let anything change. You know, there was a time we were happy. There was a time when being with you made me feel safe. I had even started to let my walls down. And then you left. Just like that. There was no warning, you were just gone. And then you made me feel like I wasn't needed. Like I was never loved by you. And I know it's fucked up but I still love you. I refuse to let go of you. I cling to the hope that one day you'll open your eyes and see how much potential we have. fuck you for breaking my heart. fuck you for turning me down again and again and again. fuck you for letting everyone down. I'm sorry I can't be more help, but you just keep turning away.

Why the hell did she have to come along? She's fucked up my life so much... Breaing my god damn heart again and again and again and again and she doesn't fucking realize. How can she not see the pain in my eyes when I look at her? She's so wrapped up in her own fucking self, it's ridiculous! does she really think she's that wounded? FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! What did I ever see in you?

I saw myself, that's what. I saw my pain reflected in your eyes. I could be myself around you because you were the same. We were the same. Then you just dropped me. You threw my heart back at me and said "I don't want this peice of shit anymore." Then when I finally got over you, when I finally stopped crying, you took him away too. You just take and take and take. What have you ever given me? Nothing. nothing but false hope, fake love and imaginary happiness.

I hate you.
Leave me alone.
Get out of my life.

I can't cry. I want to, but I can't. Then I'll have to talk to them. Those fake bitches. They care. They shouldn't, but they do.

Eat cake
Fuck you

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I love it. so much. And spice. Spice is the SHIT!

I got soooo fucked up on tuesday after school and i was relapsing like hell yesterday.

Um, so I don't even kow whats happening with me anymore. I'm pretty sure Imma ask gala out and im pretty sure she's gonna say yes.
I bitched out brandon last night.
I can't relly think.
At all.
my brain is so dead right now.

No it isn't the weed, its the... everything else.

Hmmm.... I hate a lot of people right now. Damn.

ELSA! you just made me vibrate. :)

I don't have much to say, actually. I think I may stop wasting your time.
BUT I'M SO TIRED! and this requires no brain power. And I don't want to fucking work. DAMMT! haha

I guiess I will go.
So eat cake.
And fly.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Why won't they leave me alone?

my mind...
running circles.

People need to leave me the fuck alone right now. And stop telling me things I don't want to hear.

I don't care if you have feelings for me. I don't give a damn if this is it. I can't fucking let you go.

okay, people.

Jules-totally obvious she has a crush on me, but i'm pretending I don't know because, well, I don't have feelings for her like that.
Gala-I may possibly like her but I think I'm good with just being friends
Ashleigh-Somethng is up with her. She's not as.... close as we were. :(
Chucky-I'll admit, I'm not over her. at all. but it was for the best or whatever. But now we're flirting again and we keep talking about hanging out sometime and I'm pretty sure she's with someone and I can't handle another relationship like the last time again.... But i still love her. I don't want to hurt her. I need her to move on. Or for me to move on. FUCK!
Autumn-is kind of a bitchslut. she's w/ louis but she cheats on him allllll the time and she really likes me which makes things slightly awkward.
Louis-he's really nice and damn fiiiine but he was telling brandon that he wants to cheat on autumn because she does it all the time to him, or break up with her but today at lunch he was all over her. Then he was hitting on gala. What is going through his head? I have no clue.
brandon-I don't even know....
mara-I kind of dislike her now. She fucking cheated on Christian. really obviously too. oh, but of course she feels bad about it, and they're still fucking together. what the hell? She was sucking another dude's dick and he decides to turn a blind eye on that? growl. haha.Except that I don't dislike her. I still love her. FUCK!

I realize that last bit was rather hypocritical of me to be bitching about, but I don't really give a fuck. I honest to god have changed now and will NEVER cheat again. it's hell. too much worrying and shit.... ugh! ha

so, perhaps I should work on my very important paper? no. I am finished. Perhaps I should go to bed? no, I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping. Perhaps I should watch Naruto or Deathnote? Oh man... descisions are hard. ^^
Either way imma go. prolly to watch Naruto. god i'm a dork... :-/
so eat cake
be a dork
and fly

ohmygawd! I just found VK on hulu! WIN!!!!!!
such a dork....

This was supposed to be posted last night at about midnight. But then my computer spazzed, so I had to do it today.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

woop-dee fucking doo...

Everything and everyone needs to just go away.
They need to leave me the fuck alone.

Get out of my head.
I hate you...

quit fucking with my mind.

I dislike people. Even more than I normally do. Like, right now I'd be perfectly content to take a few people with me and hide with them in a corner. Forever and ever. It would be nice, I think. haha

Let's see...

I also fucking hate when people lie to me. Like, if a majority of people hate it I fucking loathe it. If you lie to me, bitch, you are as good as dead to me.


I'm so pissed off right now.
I don't know.
I really shouldn't be.
I have no reason.

Actually I do have a reason.
but they're just fucking assholes.
Who should die.
But I can't get them out of my head
I love them both.
I'm still crazy about them.
And now they're together behind his back.
no, not behind.
right in front.
with his love notes.
and holding hands.
it drives me crazy
it drives him insane.





eat cake, but not too much.
fly, but try not to fall.
be loved but don't love.
forget it all.
give up.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


those were my emotions going boom. So much shit is happening!

You prolly already know I'm single again. I've been meaning to post but I have like no time to do so. Lots of shit is happening there and basically I really want him back but I'm waiting because he needs time to think. He was telling me last night that he's really stressed about a lot so I figure the best I can do is just be there for him and wait.

I talked to Anton last night.... didn't go so well. I'm less pissed at him now, and more pissed at myself.

"Okay. So everything has been so messed up for the longest time and this is the last straw i think but it's like he was a huge part of me then he was just gone and I kept blaming him but it's really both of our faults and i don't know if i can fill the part of me that's so empty now and i miss him so much but i don't miss what we are i miss what we were because we were so close but now it's just... Nothing. I hate it! I can't stand letting people go! And i know it might be for the best or whatever but it still hurts like hell... I wish things never changed! ever!"

that's what I said to Elsa last night... I don't know if any of it makes sense, but whatever.

So, that conversation with anton ended up with us still not talking and me crying my eyes out...

Anywho, yesterday afterschool I went to Gala's house with her and Ashleigh and got super fucked up and we ate frosting and made out and watched Road to Eldorado an had a lot of fun.

So my life has pretty much been stress, tears and school lately. woohoo.
Lots of love to all of you!
eat cake!
and fly!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

With tears in her eyes
She whispers “I’m fine.”
But you know she isn’t alright.

So try to get close
Say you love her the most
Maybe she won’t give up on life.

But if she pulls away
And tells you not to stay
She just wants you to be okay

Just try to be strong
Don’t let go; please hold on
Just be patient and wait day by day

With her fucked up mind
She wastes all her time
Bring herself so far down

So if you could lift her head
Better than being dead
Don’t give up on playing the right sound

When you’ve done the most
She won’t be just a ghost
She will shine like she once did

She will bloom like a flower
The most wonderful hour
She will no longer feel the need to be hid

I love you!
Eat cake!