Honey...

I love you. More then you will ever know. I know I say again and again how much I hate you and tell myself again and again that I'm going to cut you out of my life but, honey, I'd die without you. You're amazing. I love you.

GAH!
My head is exploding. I want to drown. I want to give up and give in. I want to float away....

What happens to someone after they die? I want to believe that there is a God and that there is a heaven or hell or an afterlife or something... I don't. I think that when you die it's just.... Nothing.
Now you see me, now you don't.
That scares me. I like knowing where I'm going or knowing what will happen and the thought that someday all this love and hate and everything I feel will just be gone.

Today was the last day of school, although we didn't do anything. We have field day tomorrow, but I don't really count that as school.

I'm going to miss it.
So much.
But this is what I want.
Isn't it?

last night, a friend was sad and I wasn't.
I felt bad.
I felt like I was laughing at their pain even though I wasn't. i felt ashamed I wasn't relating to them the way they needed. I felt guilty for seeing things differently.
For being my own person.

Aah!!!
Bleh.

Goodbye then.
I love you!
ittyK