Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I feel bad. I told them i would stop. I promised.
Rene, please forgive me? I didn't want to hurt you so I lied.... Now I feel awful.

I cut.
Not with a razor, with a knife, and not on my wrists. I don't do it much but I do have a few scars on my ankle. I cut a little heart into it at one point. The last time it happened was two nights ago, but before that the last time was several months ago. I feel so bad. I promised Rene and Leslie I would stop when it happened the first time. Actually, that wasn't the first time. I told them it was though.
I don't do it because I'm the steriotypical 'I hate my life' emo. I'm not going to make up excuses; I do it because I'm masochistic. I like the pain. It doesn't hurt that much when it happens, but afterwards I have problems walking down stairs or running.
I know it's incredibly stupid and dangerous and all that shit, and I'll try to stop-I am trying.
I feel bad for letting it go so long, for lying, keeping secrets and then getting pissed and hurt when I find out others have been doing the same. I'm such a hypocrite. I lecture people on how bad alcohol is, then go in search of my own buzz. I get angry when people use the word "gay" like it's a bad thing, but I do the same thing with the word "retarded". I don't like when people worry about me, yet I'm constantly worrying about everyone else.
So please, could someone hate me for saying all this? Cuold somebody get angry, and make me hurt? It would deffinately be easier then accepting me. On both of us.
So please push me away?

I love you, just not myself.

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