Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I don't learn

So more on the alcohol thingy, So it was originaly two guys, one of whom I text and talk to (let's call him... John) and the other scares the shit out of me (let's pretend his name is Kyle). John was the one I texted and he talked to Kyle for me. Nothing really happened, and since Kyle scares me so much I was afraid to ask him, and I felt bad for bugging John so much. So I kinda let it drop.
Today I was walking to lunch and I saw Kyle. He stopped and asled me about it. It turns out he's pretty easy to talk to because he doesn't judge, but he's not that approachable. He is going to try to get me some kind of vodka or something.

Another thing happened. I was going to tell Rene about my cutting before she read the blog. Then I started telling her and then got scared like the pathetic coward I am. I tried to back ou tbut she went and read it. We had this long convresation and she shared a peom. It was called Wendy by Eric Breland.

"The problem with Wendy
Is that from an early age she learned
The word stop
Had an implied "Don't" in front of it
Now when she looks at her wists
She wonders if she'll ever be able to"

It made me sad that I had lied to her and it hurt that she wouldn't get angry, but she made a good point. Being angry is just a way to cover up sadness. Then she told me about her relastionship (or 'tissuebox' because relationship sounds old XD) and how she pushed her boyfriend away because she wanted him to do the same. She said she wishes she hadn't. She said that the reason she did it was because she was afraid to say what she needed to say. She asked me what I needed to say.

I don't know. I just want the pain to stop. I just don't want to care anymore. I think if everybody hated me I wouldn't have to. I would have nobody to care about. Nobody would care about me. I would stop hurting everyone else.

But I really don't know. I'm the kind of person who would die without people. Except that they kill me... :-/ life is a confusing piece of shit. It would be much better for everyone if I had never been born...
I don't want to die because that would hurt people (unfortunately!)

I REALLY want my phone back but I can't complain! It's difficult and my parents are full of BS.

I love you all muchly!


  1. "John" and "Kyle"... very nice =)
    And your parents are being serious douches!!!
    And i will always care about you...

  2. hahaI totally spaced on the John part but yeah, that's where Kyle came from :)

  3. This is Maggy, remember me? Dude, cutting and alcohol isn't that big of a deal. I mean, I'm not telling you to stop, and I'm not encouraging it. All I'm saying is, you're making a BIG deal out of something that a lot of people do. I have a friend who carved three names down her arm, and she doesn't even know the people! At least she doesn't brag about it for attention. Alcohol is just a 'fun' thing people use so they can brag about it later. Those people aren't very intelligent, and are annoying to talk to, because they never shut up about 'I'm the shit at beer pong' and 'I got smashed on wine coolers'. Calm down, Cate.
    In fact, I'm probably feeding into your drama by doing this. You're welcome. Anyways, just take this from a non-biased source: you're acting like an attention-starved little kid. Please, take a look at this from a third-person point of view. You're whining online, and expecting life to get better? I know firsthand that you have some good friends and (it seemed) a fairly normal home.
    Also, do you really think life is all that bad? you're wearing clean clothes, have fresh water to drink, food to eat, and an education. Would you like to live in Haiti right now? Neither would I. People would kill for the life you have, just because of the bare necessities that make it appropriate for you to live as you do.
    Have fun with your alcoholism. When you mature a little, I'll respect you again.

  4. I agree with Maggy about the last part. About how being alive is a gift. We don't realize how beautiful life is. Not enough of us look into the sky and feel content.
    But the part about how it's not a big deal... I hate that. It's a big deal that it's normal in our society for people to inflict pain on themselves. It's a big deal that people think that's okay. It's a big deal that sadness is the norm.
    I'm sorry if I've offended you Maggy! I'm not trying to get in a fight with you. I'm a freshman in high school and so many people have said what you're syaing, Maggy.So many people don't understand why others are worried.
    But why is it normal for human beings not to be happy? When did this happen? Why is it that everybody can't be happy with their lives? Not all the time. I know that's entirely impossible. I guess I'm asking why can't more people be grateful for simply being given a life?
    People tell me I'm too young and innocent to understand. They say that I'll "get it when I'm older". But i don't want to get it.
    I don't want to understand what made people stop believing. I don't want to understand what stopped happines from being simple. I don't want to understand what made it normal for 13 year old girls to cut themselves and drink vodka. I don't want to understand why people don't find that upsetting.

    That might have been mean and i apologize but please don't take offence to my words before you listen to them.

  5. What I meant about it not being a big deal, is that it's plain stupid. Drinking and cutting isn't a cool thing, and it isn't rebellious, it's just... people do it, and no one really cares, unless they care about you and want you to stop, because it's harmful to your body and all it does is let people know that either you can't handle your problem and are too selfish to ask for help, or you're trying to be cool by drinking and it's just a stupid habit. Stupid is a harsh word, but I think it applies.

  6. I don't want attention. If I did, I would be "bragging" to more people I actually know. I'm just putting this online so I can say what I'm thinking without being judged or hated by people who I really love. I thought I sent it to people who wouldn't but apperently not. And I'm not "bragging." I don't want to be masochistic- I think it's pretty sick to be honest- and my life would be much easier if I didn't have illegal temptations. So, thanks for telling me what I already know.

  7. If you don't want to be hated, don't tell people to hate you.

  8. Mmmm... This is a way of asking for help.
    It's stupid, yeah. But it is a big deal. It's a big deal to her. It should be. It isn't a healthy habit, and you are just make her feel bad.
    Try to help, or just leave it. Don't make make her feel worse. We all make stupid mistakes. Sometimes we need a little help to stop.