So more on the alcohol thingy, So it was originaly two guys, one of whom I text and talk to (let's call him... John) and the other scares the shit out of me (let's pretend his name is Kyle). John was the one I texted and he talked to Kyle for me. Nothing really happened, and since Kyle scares me so much I was afraid to ask him, and I felt bad for bugging John so much. So I kinda let it drop.
Today I was walking to lunch and I saw Kyle. He stopped and asled me about it. It turns out he's pretty easy to talk to because he doesn't judge, but he's not that approachable. He is going to try to get me some kind of vodka or something.
Another thing happened. I was going to tell Rene about my cutting before she read the blog. Then I started telling her and then got scared like the pathetic coward I am. I tried to back ou tbut she went and read it. We had this long convresation and she shared a peom. It was called Wendy by Eric Breland.
"The problem with Wendy
Is that from an early age she learned
The word stop
Had an implied "Don't" in front of it
Now when she looks at her wists
She wonders if she'll ever be able to"
It made me sad that I had lied to her and it hurt that she wouldn't get angry, but she made a good point. Being angry is just a way to cover up sadness. Then she told me about her relastionship (or 'tissuebox' because relationship sounds old XD) and how she pushed her boyfriend away because she wanted him to do the same. She said she wishes she hadn't. She said that the reason she did it was because she was afraid to say what she needed to say. She asked me what I needed to say.
I don't know. I just want the pain to stop. I just don't want to care anymore. I think if everybody hated me I wouldn't have to. I would have nobody to care about. Nobody would care about me. I would stop hurting everyone else.
But I really don't know. I'm the kind of person who would die without people. Except that they kill me... :-/ life is a confusing piece of shit. It would be much better for everyone if I had never been born...
I don't want to die because that would hurt people (unfortunately!)
I REALLY want my phone back but I can't complain! It's difficult and my parents are full of BS.
I love you all muchly!