Friday, February 26, 2010

last few days

So These are kinda the text conversation I had two nights ago between me and Rene. I can't remember it exactly but I think this is kinda the vague idea of what happened

Rene: don't drink
Me: ?
Rene: I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I'm scared
Me: it's ok, I promise i'll be alright
Rene: Are you gonna do it tomorrow?
Me: no. why?
Rene: I don't know... who are you gonna do it with?
Me: I don't know
Rene: Not mike or zac. i love them but i don't think thats the best idea
Me: definately not! I think I have someone in mind but IDK

I was also texting Anton at the same time even though he was asleep and i was kinda pouring my little heart out to him and being all... I don't know... weird. And now he wants me to tell him what I'm thinking more because he'll be able to help me. I really want to but I don't know how. That sounds really dumb but whatever. haha

Also that night I really felt scared and upset and whatever and I was trying to distract myself because I'm trying to stop cutting. but that night it was really hard because nobody would help me so I picked up the knife but then the weirdest and most amazing thing happened.
I made, like, two cuts then I realized that I really didn't want to hurt myself anymore and it wasn't going help anything and I was just pushing people away. I was able to stop myself.

So yeah.... Yesterday I texted um.... 'Abby' in the morning and told her I felt like I was dissapointing everyone. She told me I probably was but I had to choose which was more important. I got really mad (I don't exactly know why) and left my phone at home that day. Which was good for me.

I went snowshoeing yesterday, too. The grades 5-8 went together, which sucked because all the 5 and 6 graders are terrible except one. So I mostly hung out with my friends and even though two of the four annoy the crap out of me, it was really fun and it was a nice distraction.

So yeah.

I'm sick of being told I'm too young. I hate it. I'm more mature then most kids my age. physical age doesn't even matter that much.

So yeah. I'm still going to drink, but I'm nto cutting anymore. thats how it is. deal with it.

That sounded kinda mean, but whatever. It's the truth.

I still love you all!


  1. I'm sorry for making you mad. I thought it would. But it's true... I know it doesn't really seem like that is the decision that is being made... but it is, kind of. When I was in your position, I still kind of am, I was just a coward and I just hid everything and I still do.. I'm an awful friend. I lie and I pretend and I feel bad and I'm working on changing it, but at the same time I'm trying to convince myself to just not care. I really am quite terrible. I try and hid it... Which is bad because then I hurt people... And I don't want to hurt them.
    I don't know what I'm saying... So yep. I'm sorry. I guess I was just disappointed and so I wasn't thinking and was kind of mean. I do that a lot... I need to stop.
    I wish someone would have pointed that out to me though... Before I realized it. But no one knew because I just pushed them all away. But maybe you knew that, maybe you are different and don't want to know that... And it's just my opinion, I'm a bit cooky. So yeah. haha Don't trust the crazy ones. :)
    I will always love you. :D

  2. It's ok. I shouldn't have gotten mad. you told me the truth. I'm thankful :) I love you too!