Friday, February 5, 2010

The monster in me

It's a dementer. Sorry for the HP refrence, but it's true. I make people around me hurt. I make them unhappy. The worse part is, I don't care. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I don't want to see them hurt, but when they are I always manage to look the other way.
Everybody used to tell me I was empithetic. They said it was good. It broke my heart everytime. When somebody was in pain, I felt it to. I became so sick of letting everyone get in my head, pushing my thoughts around, covering them and making me forget them. I've become so involved with thier pain, I don't think of myself anymore. At least, thats how it was.
Now I don't care about anyone but five or so of my closest friends. I don't even care about what they think of me though. And I can't care about myself because I've lost so much of who I am before, I don't know what to do.
But what can I do? The world keeps spinning, the sun keeps rising, and every one else goes on with their day. I'm slipping.
one day I'm going to get caught in all the lies I've told others to make themselves feel good. And the whole time I was wearing a mask to make you think I was fine. I had the smiles painted on. Inside, I was crying, my heart was breaking,and I wasn't okay.
Then I decided to give up. It wasn't worth the pain. Now I'm trying not to care. It hurts, but not as much as caring. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I don't know what to do.
I don't know who I am. Not that I ever did.

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