Changes

I hate changing. I hate changes. I hate everything about change. It's so unpredictable. Generally, everything goes to hell. I'm changing. He's chaning. She's changing. They're changing. Everything is fucking changing. I fucking hate hate it!

I used to be smarter. I used to be nicer and happier and I would never have made these stupid fucking descisions I'm making now. I hated myself, yeah, but I had something to lose. Now I don't have anything but myself and I hate don't care if I lose myself. I'm already gone enough as it is.

I keep pushing the boundries of what little friendship I have left and I keep thinking it will be okay. IT'S NOT OKAY! I have to stop this crazy cycle or I'm going to lose you, Rene, Anton, whoever else actually gives a shit about me. Nobody should, though. I'm not worth it. I will always let you down.

I always do.

I wish I could stop myself. I want to, but then I'm with them and everything I should do just goes to hell and all I want is to have fun and I just... stop caring.

I want to stop but I can't. It's like I'm running downhill and I get faster and faster and the only way to stop is to crash....

I don't want to crash. I'm terrified of the pain.

Some people are at the top telling me to come back, some are at the bottom telling me to go back, some are at the top telling me to go down, some are at the bottom telling me to come down.....

Either way, I end up dissapointing somebody. Why can't everybody just be fucking happy? It would just make their life so much better and everybody would be happy and everything would be okay....

I want to close my eyes to all the pain in the world. I want to pretend everything is okay and that nobody is hurting. I want to make myself believe that the world isn't all fucked.

I hate myself for wanting to do this. I hate myself for acting so wounded when there are people worse off out there. I hate myself for being stupid. I hate myself for being happy. I hate myself for living. If I ever met someone like me I would loathe them.

I hate when people are happy.
I hate when people are sad.
I hate when people are interested.
I hate when people are uninterested.
I hate when people lie.
I hate when people are honest.
I hate when people believe.
I hate when people doubt.
I hate when people love.
I hate when people hate.
I hate you.
I hate me.
I hate her.
I hate him.
I hate them.
I hate everything.

I want to give up. I want to kill myself. I want to live, though. I want to fix everything. I want to be the cause of all the problems. I want to run away from everything.

I want to scream 'FUCK THIS' and die.


So I'm sorry if I fuck up your life. I'm sorry if you fuck up mine. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I don't know anything.

Ugh. I just fucking hate this!

Now I've got to do homework.
So good night.
I love you!
ittyK