End of it all

Everything seems to be ending. This school year, so many friendships I've had, and sometimes I wish my life would too.

School... I hated it so much but now that it is coming to a close I wish that I could go back and tell myself not to take it all for granted. I'm really very lucky to have gone to this school, to knwo these people, and to get this education. I know only one of my classmates reads this blog, but I feel like I should have some sort of goodbye on here.

So goodbye. I will miss you all, and I will remember all of you for at least some period of time but I cannot garantee forever. I will try though, because I'll miss you like crazy =)

Friends... The people I consider my best friends-Rene, Anton, Cindy.
Rene- Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. You are truly a miracle. I cannot tell you how damn lucky I am to know you. I know you think you aren't good enough sometimes, but honey, you are the best. <333333!!!!!
Anton- I'm really angry at you right now, and I have spent a lot of my time angry at you this year but I still love you. Even if you are a total asshole.
Cindy- You're WEIRD! =) I love being *dirty* with you hehe and I love calling you Cindy because it annoys you but it's cuz I love your face off! :D

Um...

I'm getting depressed again.

I'll post again later if I get my thoughts together.
Good bye and I love you!
ittyK

I came so close....

Been a while, yeah? I'll just give you a summary of what all has happened between last time I posted and now.

Saturday- I slept in really late and then went to the auction which is a fundraiser for my school and it was super fun and before it actually started (I was volunteering beforehand) I went off with Quin and Carmen and smoked and we were so high but the lighting at the auction was mostly candles so nobody noticed except when my friends asked me why I was shaking and I told them I had drank an energy drink. Or made them think that. Then me and Cindy called the ginger and bitched her out over the phone because she wasn't doing anything for our school project, which was due that day. And is now very late and not even complete.

Sunday- I didn't do much at all during the day, but at night Carmen asked me out :) I said yes, of course. I love her! :D

I didn't do much the rest of the week.... Today was our last day of academics in school and yesterday was our last A day and so we watched LOTR in history class and it was so much fun and I'm really really REALLY going to miss this place, but I think going to the school I am going to is right for me even though people keep trying to talk me out of it... whatever though.

UM.

I had a lot more to say but I completely forgot about it.

so here's a song for you :)
It describes how I feel perfectly and I think the person it is for will know it....

IT WOULDN'T LOAD THE VIDEO!
here are the lyrics :)
Tear up the photographs
But yesterday won't let go
Every day, every day, every minute
Here comes the emptiness
Just can't leave lonely alone
Every day, every day, hey hey
This second-chancin's really getting me down
You give and taking everything I dreamed about
It's time you let me know, let me know just let go

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

I'd rather walk alone
Don't wanna chase you around
Every day, every day, every minute
I'd fall a thousand times
Before I let you drag me down
Every day, every day, hey hey
Your new beginning was a perfect ending
But I keep feeling
we've already been here before
It's time you let me know, let me know just let go

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

Tell me with so many out there
Why I always turn to you
Your goodbyes tear me down every time
And it's so easy to see that the blame is on me

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

All I ever wanted-Kelly Clarkson

I am leaving now.
I LOVE YOU!
ittyK

Dancing in the rain

the one on the far left is Cindy (heehee CUZ I LOVE YOU!)



It was after school and it was pouring outside and they'd just gotten out of tap class and so they were tapping in the rain. Sorry the videos are so awful, I took them on my phone!

so now I'm done.
love ya!
ittyK

RAIN!

It's pouring outside! Or, it was. Now it's just drizzling. I got soaking just walking from the car to my house and I'm really cold now but that's okay =]

I am having major mood swings from day-to-day. Two days ago I was miserable, yesterday I was insanely happy, and today I'm just pissed at everything.

I came really close to telling Anton something but then I chickened out, partly 'cuz I have no balls and partly because he's got a lot of shit going on and honestly doesn't need any more. I promised him I'd tell him later though....

So, yesterday I asked Quin if we were together or not. He said he liked me but he didn't consider us together.... I asked him because I wanted to know if I could go out with carmen or not.... I told her I was single and now we are kinda together, I guess, but she's still with someone. I told her not to break up with her girlfriend for me and not to hurt her, but Carmen had already told her about me so.... Yeah. I kinda feel half bad about that, but whatever. She knows what she needs to do. I think. I hope.

What else....

I MISS RENE!

She left her ipod at my house and I was listening to it during my math test and a Jonas Brothers song came on and it made me really happy because she sings it all the time and so yeah. :D

I'm worried. About Anton and Abby and Leslie and John and Carmen and Quin and everybody.... I fucking HATE being empithetic! I'm always getting told how great of a gift it is but it ISN'T! I have to care about everyone even if I fucking hate them! I have no god damn choice! And half the time, I don't know what I'm feeling, just what other people are. AAAAGH! IT'S MADDENING!!!!

Um.... I don't think I ever said I stopped cutting on here.... I did, though! I'm very happy about this! And it's for real this time! And I won't start again! I stopped about a month and a half ago but whenever I post I always have other things on my mind so I forget but now I am saying it so it's all good :)

well, I have nothing left to say. Or that I can think of. Or that I would actualy say. So goodbye fellow people!
Or maybe you aren't people. I have no way of telling.

I love you!
ittyK

Changes

I hate changing. I hate changes. I hate everything about change. It's so unpredictable. Generally, everything goes to hell. I'm changing. He's chaning. She's changing. They're changing. Everything is fucking changing. I fucking hate hate it!

I used to be smarter. I used to be nicer and happier and I would never have made these stupid fucking descisions I'm making now. I hated myself, yeah, but I had something to lose. Now I don't have anything but myself and I hate don't care if I lose myself. I'm already gone enough as it is.

I keep pushing the boundries of what little friendship I have left and I keep thinking it will be okay. IT'S NOT OKAY! I have to stop this crazy cycle or I'm going to lose you, Rene, Anton, whoever else actually gives a shit about me. Nobody should, though. I'm not worth it. I will always let you down.

I always do.

I wish I could stop myself. I want to, but then I'm with them and everything I should do just goes to hell and all I want is to have fun and I just... stop caring.

I want to stop but I can't. It's like I'm running downhill and I get faster and faster and the only way to stop is to crash....

I don't want to crash. I'm terrified of the pain.

Some people are at the top telling me to come back, some are at the bottom telling me to go back, some are at the top telling me to go down, some are at the bottom telling me to come down.....

Either way, I end up dissapointing somebody. Why can't everybody just be fucking happy? It would just make their life so much better and everybody would be happy and everything would be okay....

I want to close my eyes to all the pain in the world. I want to pretend everything is okay and that nobody is hurting. I want to make myself believe that the world isn't all fucked.

I hate myself for wanting to do this. I hate myself for acting so wounded when there are people worse off out there. I hate myself for being stupid. I hate myself for being happy. I hate myself for living. If I ever met someone like me I would loathe them.

I hate when people are happy.
I hate when people are sad.
I hate when people are interested.
I hate when people are uninterested.
I hate when people lie.
I hate when people are honest.
I hate when people believe.
I hate when people doubt.
I hate when people love.
I hate when people hate.
I hate you.
I hate me.
I hate her.
I hate him.
I hate them.
I hate everything.

I want to give up. I want to kill myself. I want to live, though. I want to fix everything. I want to be the cause of all the problems. I want to run away from everything.

I want to scream 'FUCK THIS' and die.


So I'm sorry if I fuck up your life. I'm sorry if you fuck up mine. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I don't know anything.

Ugh. I just fucking hate this!

Now I've got to do homework.
So good night.
I love you!
ittyK

...woah

I'm skipping school today 'cuz I've got WAY too much HW and I just don't wanna go to school. I came way too close to getting caught, but I convinced the parents I was sicky.

I got my phone back last night! :D

I'm getting depressed again, though. DASS IST NICHT GUT! I was texting Quin last night and he said some things that made me kinda sad (nothing bad though, I'm jsut being stupid as per normal) and bleh. He told me that somebody told him that I was flirting with him and I was like 'no shit ?' and then I told him that he hit on me too and he was like 'yeah but most of the time its joking around' and I started teasing him about how he'd said 'most of the time' as opposed to 'all the time' and bleh I don't know why that made me so sad though.... I'm kinda crazy. Kinda really completely insane. This song isn't helping either! UGH I feel like I keep dissapointing people. I feel like they should've learned by now that I can't do shit to make them happy and they should stop excpecting it.

Plus, I really REALLY don't want Anton to be graduating... I don't quite know why but whatever. I want to be able to be happy again.

I want to be able to **really** smile. I want to actually laugh. But I know I don't deserve it. I really, honest to god, am not a good person. At all.

It's really cold. Fucking May.

BLEH!

I'm thinking in circles and I'm not really saying anything so goodbye!
Lots of love,
ittyK

Insanity much?

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