Saturday, January 29, 2011

I give up. You're not worth shit to me anymore.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Fuck you, kind sir.

I called your name
You walked away
You left me here
Just me and her
Lost in the sounds
You let me go down
So some build me up
and some turn me 'round
I couldn't forget
Or ever let go
You were just a bit
Lost in the flow
Closed eyes for a moment
Although I won't own it
I didn't realize
You had your own shit
Now I've moved on
That's what I say
But I love you so much
And think of you each day
So hold your head high
When you walk by
Don't look in my eyes
Believe all the lies
Don't see my love
Still waiting there
While I tried to hide
by pretending to care
I guess it's just that
We're both at fault
But we claim we're right
And continue to fight
I'm sick of your shit
But I'll not admit
That if this is it
It's not a good fit
Let go of it all
Let's hold hands as we fall
Never answer the call
Break down all walls
Forget about life
Forget about pain
Put down your knife
When I say your name
Together we fight
Take my hand again?
Please be my friend?
Unless this is the end...

Fuck you. I really fucking hate you. Really really really REALLY fucking hate you. Selfish fucking bastard! Two-faced coward! You make me so sick. You made me look at myself in the mirror and say "What the hell is wrong with me?" But I realized that there isn't anything wrong with me. It's you that so fucked up. You that fucked everything up. Do you know how hard I tried? Do you know how many nights I spent worrying about you? And what have you done for me? Yeah, you made me happy but then you let me fall with no intention of catching me. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I don't want to meet up with you there. You fucking hypocritical selfish cowardly two-faced backstabbing son of bitch! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!

Aah... Yeah. :)
Eat lots of cake!
And give some to me :)
and fly away!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


This is some seriously scary shit. I don't know if it's true or not but I swear I'm gonna have nightmares.

Russian researchers in the late 1940’s kept five people awake for fifteen days using an experimental gas based stimulant. They were kept in a sealed environment to carefully monitor their oxygen intake so the gas didn’t kill them, since it was toxic in high concentrations. This was before closed circuit cameras so they had only microphones and 5 inch thick glass porthole sized windows into the chamber to monitor them. The chamber was stocked with books, cots to sleep on but no bedding, running water and toilet, and enough dried food to last all five for over a month.
The test subjects were political prisoners deemed enemies of the state during world war II.
Everything was fine for the first 5 days, the subjects hardly complained having been promised (falsely) that they would be freed if they submitted to the test and did not sleep for 30 days. Their conversations and activities were monitored and it was noted that they continued to talk about increasingly traumatic incidents in their past, and the general tone of their conversations took on a darker aspect after the 4 day mark.
After five days they started to complain about the circumstances and events that lead them to where they were and started to demonstrate severe paranoia. They stopped talking to each other and began alternately whispering to the microphones and one way mirrored portholes. Oddly they all seemed to think they could win the trust of the experimenters by turning over their comrades, the other subjects in captivity with them. At first the researchers suspected this was an effect of the gas itself…
After nine days the first of them started screaming. He ran the length of the chamber repeatedly yelling at the top of his lungs for 3 hours straight, he continued attempting to scream but was only able to produce occasional squeaks. The researchers postulated that he had physically torn his vocal cords. The most surprising thing about this behavior is how the other captives reacted to it… or rather didn’t react to it. They continued whispering to the microphones until the second of the captives started to scream. The 2 non screaming captives took the books apart, smeared page after page with their own feces and pasted them calmly over the glass portholes. The screaming promptly stopped.
After 3 more days passed. The researchers checked the microphones hourly to make sure they were working, since they thought it impossible that no sound could be coming with 5 people inside. The oxygen consumption in the chamber indicated that all 5 must still be alive. In fact it was the amount of oxygen 5 people would consume at a very heavy level of strenuous exercise. On the morning of the 14th day the researchers did something they said they would not do to get a reaction from the captives, they used the intercom inside the chamber, hoping to provoke any response from the captives they were afraid were either dead or vegetables.
They announced: “We are opening the chamber to test the microphones step away from the doors and lie flat on the floor or you will be shot. Compliance will earn one of you your immediate freedom.”
To their surprise they heard a single phrase in a calm voice response: “We no longer want to be freed.”
Debate broke out among the researchers and the military forces funding the research. Unable to provoke any more response using the intercom it was finally decided to open the chamber at midnight on the fifteenth day.
The chamber was flushed of the stimulant gas and filled with fresh air and immediately voices from the microphones began to object. 3 different voices began begging, as if pleading for the life of loved ones to turn the gas back on. The chamber was opened and soldiers sent in to retrieve the test subjects. They began to scream louder than ever, and so did the soldiers when they saw what was inside. Four of the five subjects were still alive, although no one could rightly call the state that any of them in ‘life.’
The food rations past day 5 had not been so much as touched. There were chunks of meat from the dead test subject’s thighs and chest stuffed into the drain in the center of the chamber, blocking the drain and allowing 4 inches of water to accumulate on the floor. Precisely how much of the water on the floor was actually blood was never determined. All four ‘surviving’ test subjects also had large portions of muscle and skin torn away from their bodies. The destruction of flesh and exposed bone on their finger tips indicated that the wounds were inflicted by hand, not with teeth as the researchers initially thought. Closer examination of the position and angles of the wounds indicated that most if not all of them were self-inflicted.
The abdominal organs below the ribcage of all four test subjects had been removed. While the heart, lungs and diaphragm remained in place, the skin and most of the muscles attached to the ribs had been ripped off, exposing the lungs through the ribcage. All the blood vessels and organs remained intact, they had just been taken out and laid on the floor, fanning out around the eviscerated but still living bodies of the subjects. The digestive tract of all four could be seen to be working, digesting food. It quickly became apparent that what they were digesting was their own flesh that they had ripped off and eaten over the course of days.
Most of the soldiers were Russian special operatives at the facility, but still many refused to return to the chamber to remove the test subjects. They continued to scream to be left in the chamber and alternately begged and demanded that the gas be turned back on, lest they fall asleep…
To everyone’s surprise the test subjects put up a fierce fight in the process of being removed from the chamber. One of the Russian soldiers died from having his throat ripped out, another was gravely injured by having his testicles ripped off and an artery in his leg severed by one of the subject’s teeth. Another 5 of the soldiers lost their lives if you count ones that committed suicide in the weeks following the incident.
In the struggle one of the four living subjects had his spleen ruptured and he bled out almost immediately. The medical researchers attempted to sedate him but this proved impossible. He was injected with more than ten times the human dose of a morphine derivative and still fought like a cornered animal, breaking the ribs and arm of one doctor. When heart was seen to beat for a full two minutes after he had bled out to the point there was more air in his vascular system than blood. Even after it stopped he continued to scream and flail for another 3 minutes, struggling attack anyone in reach and just repeating the word “MORE” over and over, weaker and weaker, until he finally fell silent.
The surviving three test subjects were heavily restrained and moved to a medical facility, the two with intact vocal cords continuously begging for the gas demanding to be kept awake…
The most injured of the three was taken to the only surgical operating room that the facility had. In the process of preparing the subject to have his organs placed back within his body it was found that he was effectively immune to the sedative they had given him to prepare him for the surgery. He fought furiously against his restraints when the anesthetic gas was brought out to put him under. He managed to tear most of the way through a 4 inch wide leather strap on one wrist, even through the weight of a 200 pound soldier holding that wrist as well. It took only a little more anesthetic than normal to put him under, and the instant his eyelids fluttered and closed, his heart stopped. In the autopsy of the test subject that died on the operating table it was found that his blood had triple the normal level of oxygen. His muscles that were still attached to his skeleton were badly torn and he had broken 9 bones in his struggle to not be subdued. Most of them were from the force his own muscles had exerted on them.
The second survivor had been the first of the group of five to start screaming. His vocal cords destroyed he was unable to beg or object to surgery, and he only reacted by shaking his head violently in disapproval when the anesthetic gas was brought near him. He shook his head yes when someone suggested, reluctantly, they try the surgery without anesthetic, and did not react for the entire 6 hour procedure of replacing his abdominal organs and attempting to cover them with what remained of his skin. The surgeon presiding stated repeatedly that it should be medically possible for the patient to still be alive. One terrified nurse assisting the surgery stated that she had seen the patients mouth curl into a smile several times, whenever his eyes met hers.
When the surgery ended the subject looked at the surgeon and began to wheeze loudly, attempting to talk while struggling. Assuming this must be something of drastic importance the surgeon had a pen and pad fetched so the patient could write his message. It was simple “Keep cutting.”
The other two test subjects were given the same surgery, both without anesthetic as well. Although they had to be injected with a paralytic for the duration of the operation. The surgeon found it impossible to perform the operation while the patients laughed continuously. Once paralyzed the subjects could only follow the attending researchers with their eyes. The paralytic cleared their system in an abnormally short period of time and they were soon trying to escape their bonds. The moment they could speak they were again asking for the stimulant gas. The researchers tried asking why they had injured themselves, why they had ripped out their own guts and why they wanted to be given the gas again.
Only one response was given: “I must remain awake.”
All three subject’s restraints were reinforced and they were placed back into the chamber awaiting determination as to what should be done with them. The researchers, facing the wrath of their military ‘benefactors’ for having failed the stated goals of their project considered euthanizing the surviving subjects. The commanding officer, an ex-KGB instead saw potential, and wanted to see what would happen if they were put back on the gas. The researchers strongly objected, but were overruled.
In preparation for being sealed in the chamber again the subjects were connected to an EEG monitor and had their restraints padded for long term confinement. To everyone’s surprise all three stopped struggling the moment it was let slip that they were going back on the gas. It was obvious that at this point all three were putting up a great struggle to stay awake. One of subjects that could speak was humming loudly and continuously; the mute subject was straining his legs against the leather bonds with all his might, first left, then right, then left again for something to focus on. The remaining subject was holding his head off his pillow and blinking rapidly. Having been the first to be wired for EEG most of the researchers were monitoring his brain waves in surprise. They were normal most of the time but sometimes flat lined inexplicably. It looked as if he were repeatedly suffering brain death, before returning to normal. As they focused on paper scrolling out of the brainwave monitor only one nurse saw his eyes slip shut at the same moment his head hit the pillow. His brainwaves immediately changed to that of deep sleep, then flatlined for the last time as his heart simultaneously stopped.
The only remaining subject that could speak started screaming to be sealed in now. His brainwaves showed the same flatlines as one who had just died from falling asleep. The commander gave the order to seal the chamber with both subjects inside, as well as 3 researchers. One of the named three immediately drew his gun and shot the commander point blank between the eyes, then turned the gun on the mute subject and blew his brains out as well.
He pointed his gun at the remaining subject, still restrained to a bed as the remaining members of the medical and research team fled the room. “I won’t be locked in here with these things! Not with you!” he screamed at the man strapped to the table. “WHAT ARE YOU?” he demanded. “I must know!”
“Have you forgotten so easily?” The subject asked. “We are you.” “We are the madness that lurks within you all, begging to be free at every moment in your deepest animal mind.” “We are what you hide from in your beds every night. We are what you sedate into silence and paralysis when you go to the nocturnal haven where we cannot tread.”
The researcher paused. Then aimed at the subject’s heart and fired.
The EEG flatlined as the subject weakly choked out “so… nearly… free…”

Freaky, right?
I may post again later, maybe not. Lots has happened but I don't know what I want to say, or how to say it or whether I should or not... ah well.
Lots of love!
eat cake!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Maybe I should disappear for forever. Maybe I should run away and start completely new. Maybe I should stop trying to find new ways of destroying myself. Maybe I shouldn't close up. Maybe I should lose touch with everyone. Maybe I should fade into nothing. Maybe I should become just a memory. Maybe I should hide myself. Maybe I should protect everyone else from how hideous I am inside. Maybe I shouldn't fall when I know nobody will catch me. Maybe I shouldn't fall when I'm not willing to catch myself. Maybe I should give up on dreaming. Maybe I should just accept things for what they are. Maybe I should keep on living. Maybe I should keep this stupid smile plastered to my face so wide it destracts everyone from my tears. Maybe I should stop lying to myself. Maybe I should realize that nothing is ever worth it in the end. Maybe I should save myself from heartbreak. Maybe I should leave everything and everyone behind. Maybe I should give up completely. Maybe I like the sound of that. Maybe I hate the sound of that. Maybe I should organize my mind. Maybe I should listen to my heart and maybe I should listen to my mind and maybe, just maybe, I should shut of one or the other. Maybe I should ask for help. But I won't. I never will.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

What happens when I try to sleep.

Once upon a time there was a young girl named cate. One night, cate couldn't sleep so she started counting sheep. However, she got distracted by how silly the sheep were, she she took them up into the mountains and lived with them. Then one day, a hungry wolf came along. He tried to eat one of the sheep, but cate caught him. She would have killed him, but she thought wolves were really cute, so she tamed him instead. He kept watch over cate and all her little sheep while they slept at night. Then, one day, an evil hunter came along! He wanted to kill the sheep and the wolves, but cate wouldn't ever let such things happen! She attacked the hunter and kicked his butt. Her and her sheep and her wolf lived happily, until a evil bear came along one day! They ran from it as fast as they could and hid in a cave until it left. Since then, they lived happily ever after!

I can't get on youtube, but the song for today is I'm still breathing by Katie Perry.

Good bye!
eat cake!
And fly!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I have two songs for today.

not much to say, cuz my brain is dead. Umm... I'm excited for monday. afterschool that is. I didn;t end up blazing on friday, but that's okay. I had fun anyways. Elsa and the sexiest cutest lesbian EVER randomly visited today. It was really awkward. haha

good bye!
eat cake
and fly

Friday, January 7, 2011


This is the opening for my least favorite Anime-only arc. But it's an amazing opening. I love Beat Crusaders. They're awesome. And silly. haha, the song today was gonna be Box full o' Honey by <3Duran Duran<3 but they had no good videos on youtube. SAD FACE! haha

Today after school I think imma go blaze with Bri and Sarahi and Sarahi's boyfriend, James. Shall be fun!

Any-who, dass ist it.
so eat cake.
and fly.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Life is so terrible. Even when it's amazing, it's terrible. but whatever, yeah? We're all gonna die sooner or later.
That sounded really suicidal right there, but I'm not. pinky promise.

Linkin Park-Waiting for the end.
'cuz it reminds me of someone. And the video is SO trippy!

:) 'cuz I'm fucking stubborn.

Yesterday Anton and Elsa and Liz and I hung out and had soooo much fun! I got a pair of those knee-high converse. SUPER CUTE! :D

eat cake!
and fly!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

par amour

Oh, this song is gorgeous. <3

Monday, January 3, 2011

fun stuff

That's the song for yesterday. It's got no real significance, except that I feel like being a bit of a bitch. Long story. Anyway, I went to Elsa's yesterday because she FINALLY got back from Brazil. I didn't post yesterday because I passed out as soon as I got home. At her house, though, there was Anton (yay!) and My sister (kinda awkward at times) and Elsa (of course) Fiona and Amanda. Amanda is like, the cutest, sexiest, most fuckable dyke I've EVER MET! I wanted to strip her down and... yeah right there but... I didn't. haha. Fiona seemed pretty nice and she was definitely someone I'd be able to get along with easily.

That's the song for today.

I hate being back at school. BLEH! I'm pretty much passed out right now and I don't want to go to either Spanish or Biology. Spanish 'cuz I didn't do the big assignment and Biology 'cuz I never wanna go there. It's the worst. haha. At least today has been pretty easy. I've been in Geography, English and Math so far and I got homework in all but I finished Geography and Math in class and English is really easy.

So that's possibly it? Oh yeah! I can't post at home 'cuz my father took away my computer privileges and I think he thinks he shut down my Facebook but no way in hell am I letting him do that again. So yeah. :)

Adios, to you!
eat cake
and fly