Thursday, May 27, 2010

Numb

Hope is useless.
All it does is hurt.
Love is useless.
All it does is hurt.
Wishes are useless.
All they do is hurt.
Dreams are useless.
All they do is hurt.
Everything is useless.
All it does is hurt.
Hope and Love and wishes and dreams
Give you an unrealistic view of reality.
They make you happy
But only momentarily
Because then they crash
And burn
And hurt

When everything is useless
It means you and me are too
Because we are
Because all anybody ever does
Is hate
Is hurt
Is lie
Is steal
Is break
And we pretend we don’t

I cannot understand
Why people want perfection
It is simply hope
It only wishes
It’s just a dream
Because you cannot be perfect
Stop pretending you are
You are just making a fool
Of yourself and everyone else
The ones who believe you
The ones who can’t think for themselves
The ones who can’t see through your lies

All anybody does is lie
Nobody knows the truth
Only what they think is the truth
But it’s always a lie
It’s just what they want to believe
It is all you want
To be wrapped away in a lie

Some have it worse than others
Some truly believe they are the best
Some only hurt others
To make them feel better
To make them seem stronger
To make themselves seem best

I am tired
Of these lies
Of these broken promises
Of the stupid dreams
Of these pointless wishes
Of this useless love
Of this meaningless belief
Of everything

I want to hurt everybody
I want to make them go away
I want to feel alone
I want to stop ruining everything
I want to do something to make it better

So if you are reading this
So if you can hear my voice
So if you try to see into my eyes
I will close
I am going to stop
I won’t be open
I will not tell my feelings
I wish to close my life into darkness
Then nobody can see me
And nobody can touch me
And nobody will want to.

So put away the light
It’s just being wasted
Put away the lies and hate
It’s just hurting yourself
Put away yourself
Fold into nothing
Hide from everything
Just stop being stupid
You know you don’t matter
You know you never will
Stop pretending you do
Stop making yourself feel good

I feel like these words are negative
I believe they are
But the ‘truth’ hurts
And it would
If it existed
If it wasn’t simply opinion
If it was only real

Sometimes I wish
Sometimes I catch myself hoping
Sometimes I can’t help but dream
But whenever I do
I try to stop
Because whenever the sun comes out
It will rain again
And you can dance in the rain
And you can laugh in the rain
And you can pretend it okay
But in your heart you know it’s not

I don’t know what I’m saying
I know exactly what I’m trying to, I think
I think what I’m saying
Is that positivity is stupid
Is that negativity is real
Is that nothing is real
Is that you don’t matter
Is that people are stupid
Is that there’s no truth
Is that life can’t get good
Is that there is no good
Is that you should shut up
Is that you are pathetic
Is that you aren’t right
Is that I hate you
Is that you should too
Is that forgetting is wrong
Is that remembering is wrong
Is that my mind is circling
Is that we don’t matter
Is that we need the truth
Is that I need to think
Is that shutting away is good
Is that belief is pointless
Is that I want to be alone
Is that I will hurt you
Is that I’m sorry.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

End of it all

Everything seems to be ending. This school year, so many friendships I've had, and sometimes I wish my life would too.

School... I hated it so much but now that it is coming to a close I wish that I could go back and tell myself not to take it all for granted. I'm really very lucky to have gone to this school, to knwo these people, and to get this education. I know only one of my classmates reads this blog, but I feel like I should have some sort of goodbye on here.

So goodbye. I will miss you all, and I will remember all of you for at least some period of time but I cannot garantee forever. I will try though, because I'll miss you like crazy =)

Friends... The people I consider my best friends-Rene, Anton, Cindy.
Rene- Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. You are truly a miracle. I cannot tell you how damn lucky I am to know you. I know you think you aren't good enough sometimes, but honey, you are the best. <333333!!!!!
Anton- I'm really angry at you right now, and I have spent a lot of my time angry at you this year but I still love you. Even if you are a total asshole.
Cindy- You're WEIRD! =) I love being *dirty* with you hehe and I love calling you Cindy because it annoys you but it's cuz I love your face off! :D

Um...

I'm getting depressed again.

I'll post again later if I get my thoughts together.
Good bye and I love you!
ittyK

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I came so close....

Been a while, yeah? I'll just give you a summary of what all has happened between last time I posted and now.

Saturday- I slept in really late and then went to the auction which is a fundraiser for my school and it was super fun and before it actually started (I was volunteering beforehand) I went off with Quin and Carmen and smoked and we were so high but the lighting at the auction was mostly candles so nobody noticed except when my friends asked me why I was shaking and I told them I had drank an energy drink. Or made them think that. Then me and Cindy called the ginger and bitched her out over the phone because she wasn't doing anything for our school project, which was due that day. And is now very late and not even complete.

Sunday- I didn't do much at all during the day, but at night Carmen asked me out :) I said yes, of course. I love her! :D

I didn't do much the rest of the week.... Today was our last day of academics in school and yesterday was our last A day and so we watched LOTR in history class and it was so much fun and I'm really really REALLY going to miss this place, but I think going to the school I am going to is right for me even though people keep trying to talk me out of it... whatever though.

UM.

I had a lot more to say but I completely forgot about it.

so here's a song for you :)
It describes how I feel perfectly and I think the person it is for will know it....

IT WOULDN'T LOAD THE VIDEO!
here are the lyrics :)
Tear up the photographs
But yesterday won't let go
Every day, every day, every minute
Here comes the emptiness
Just can't leave lonely alone
Every day, every day, hey hey
This second-chancin's really getting me down
You give and taking everything I dreamed about
It's time you let me know, let me know just let go

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

I'd rather walk alone
Don't wanna chase you around
Every day, every day, every minute
I'd fall a thousand times
Before I let you drag me down
Every day, every day, hey hey
Your new beginning was a perfect ending
But I keep feeling
we've already been here before
It's time you let me know, let me know just let go

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

Tell me with so many out there
Why I always turn to you
Your goodbyes tear me down every time
And it's so easy to see that the blame is on me

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in-between to escape this desperate scene
Where every lie reveals the truth
Baby cause I all ever wanted
All I ever wanted was you

All I ever wanted-Kelly Clarkson

I am leaving now.
I LOVE YOU!
ittyK

Friday, May 14, 2010

Dancing in the rain

video

the one on the far left is Cindy (heehee CUZ I LOVE YOU!)

video

It was after school and it was pouring outside and they'd just gotten out of tap class and so they were tapping in the rain. Sorry the videos are so awful, I took them on my phone!

so now I'm done.
love ya!
ittyK

RAIN!

It's pouring outside! Or, it was. Now it's just drizzling. I got soaking just walking from the car to my house and I'm really cold now but that's okay =]

I am having major mood swings from day-to-day. Two days ago I was miserable, yesterday I was insanely happy, and today I'm just pissed at everything.

I came really close to telling Anton something but then I chickened out, partly 'cuz I have no balls and partly because he's got a lot of shit going on and honestly doesn't need any more. I promised him I'd tell him later though....

So, yesterday I asked Quin if we were together or not. He said he liked me but he didn't consider us together.... I asked him because I wanted to know if I could go out with carmen or not.... I told her I was single and now we are kinda together, I guess, but she's still with someone. I told her not to break up with her girlfriend for me and not to hurt her, but Carmen had already told her about me so.... Yeah. I kinda feel half bad about that, but whatever. She knows what she needs to do. I think. I hope.

What else....

I MISS RENE!

She left her ipod at my house and I was listening to it during my math test and a Jonas Brothers song came on and it made me really happy because she sings it all the time and so yeah. :D

I'm worried. About Anton and Abby and Leslie and John and Carmen and Quin and everybody.... I fucking HATE being empithetic! I'm always getting told how great of a gift it is but it ISN'T! I have to care about everyone even if I fucking hate them! I have no god damn choice! And half the time, I don't know what I'm feeling, just what other people are. AAAAGH! IT'S MADDENING!!!!

Um.... I don't think I ever said I stopped cutting on here.... I did, though! I'm very happy about this! And it's for real this time! And I won't start again! I stopped about a month and a half ago but whenever I post I always have other things on my mind so I forget but now I am saying it so it's all good :)

well, I have nothing left to say. Or that I can think of. Or that I would actualy say. So goodbye fellow people!
Or maybe you aren't people. I have no way of telling.

I love you!
ittyK

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Changes

I hate changing. I hate changes. I hate everything about change. It's so unpredictable. Generally, everything goes to hell. I'm changing. He's chaning. She's changing. They're changing. Everything is fucking changing. I fucking hate hate it!

I used to be smarter. I used to be nicer and happier and I would never have made these stupid fucking descisions I'm making now. I hated myself, yeah, but I had something to lose. Now I don't have anything but myself and I hate don't care if I lose myself. I'm already gone enough as it is.

I keep pushing the boundries of what little friendship I have left and I keep thinking it will be okay. IT'S NOT OKAY! I have to stop this crazy cycle or I'm going to lose you, Rene, Anton, whoever else actually gives a shit about me. Nobody should, though. I'm not worth it. I will always let you down.

I always do.

I wish I could stop myself. I want to, but then I'm with them and everything I should do just goes to hell and all I want is to have fun and I just... stop caring.

I want to stop but I can't. It's like I'm running downhill and I get faster and faster and the only way to stop is to crash....

I don't want to crash. I'm terrified of the pain.

Some people are at the top telling me to come back, some are at the bottom telling me to go back, some are at the top telling me to go down, some are at the bottom telling me to come down.....

Either way, I end up dissapointing somebody. Why can't everybody just be fucking happy? It would just make their life so much better and everybody would be happy and everything would be okay....

I want to close my eyes to all the pain in the world. I want to pretend everything is okay and that nobody is hurting. I want to make myself believe that the world isn't all fucked.

I hate myself for wanting to do this. I hate myself for acting so wounded when there are people worse off out there. I hate myself for being stupid. I hate myself for being happy. I hate myself for living. If I ever met someone like me I would loathe them.

I hate when people are happy.
I hate when people are sad.
I hate when people are interested.
I hate when people are uninterested.
I hate when people lie.
I hate when people are honest.
I hate when people believe.
I hate when people doubt.
I hate when people love.
I hate when people hate.
I hate you.
I hate me.
I hate her.
I hate him.
I hate them.
I hate everything.

I want to give up. I want to kill myself. I want to live, though. I want to fix everything. I want to be the cause of all the problems. I want to run away from everything.

I want to scream 'FUCK THIS' and die.


So I'm sorry if I fuck up your life. I'm sorry if you fuck up mine. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to. I don't know anything.

Ugh. I just fucking hate this!

Now I've got to do homework.
So good night.
I love you!
ittyK

...woah

I'm skipping school today 'cuz I've got WAY too much HW and I just don't wanna go to school. I came way too close to getting caught, but I convinced the parents I was sicky.

I got my phone back last night! :D

I'm getting depressed again, though. DASS IST NICHT GUT! I was texting Quin last night and he said some things that made me kinda sad (nothing bad though, I'm jsut being stupid as per normal) and bleh. He told me that somebody told him that I was flirting with him and I was like 'no shit ?' and then I told him that he hit on me too and he was like 'yeah but most of the time its joking around' and I started teasing him about how he'd said 'most of the time' as opposed to 'all the time' and bleh I don't know why that made me so sad though.... I'm kinda crazy. Kinda really completely insane. This song isn't helping either! UGH I feel like I keep dissapointing people. I feel like they should've learned by now that I can't do shit to make them happy and they should stop excpecting it.

Plus, I really REALLY don't want Anton to be graduating... I don't quite know why but whatever. I want to be able to be happy again.

I want to be able to **really** smile. I want to actually laugh. But I know I don't deserve it. I really, honest to god, am not a good person. At all.

It's really cold. Fucking May.

BLEH!

I'm thinking in circles and I'm not really saying anything so goodbye!
Lots of love,
ittyK

Monday, May 10, 2010

Insanity much?

I'm fucking insane, I've decided. And selfish and stupid and just a flat out bitch.

I hate feeling so.... replaceable. Bleh.

I went to Leslie's party on Saturday night and it was awful at first, because I knew nobody there except Rene and Leslie and Leslie.... I honest to god don't knwo why she invited us. She obviously didn't want us there. She was being a bitch about it too. Me and Rene stuck together though, and we made a new best friend EVER hahaha he was funny and we went on a quest to get a belt but it failed because it was too small and Rene is too fat (kidding! I <3 you!) and we went on a quest for Leslie that didn't fail and then we danced and talked and we went on an adventure to find his jacket. And at one point, my and Rene sat and we just talked about everything. We were probably talking for about an hour and then we met this other girl who convinced me to loosen up and go dance (she also told me to grab someones ball sack, but I didn't.) So thats what I did and it was really fun after that and I just kinda ignored Leslie and the other people I didn't knwo and acted like it was just me and Alex and we danced for forever it was SO fun!

I love Rene, though. Whenever everybody else fails to make me feel better she can ALWAYS make me smile. I trust her with my life and I tell her EVERYTHING and she doesn't make me feel like shit, even if I already do. She is the sweetest person ever and she always helps me open up and feel wanted and loved. AAAAAAGH! I LOVE HER GODAMN PANTS OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologized to Anton. I kind of really overreacted, even though he did a little, too.

RAWR!

People told me not to blame myself. I can't blame anybody but myself. :(

I have to go now, but I may post again later!
I love you!
ittyK

Friday, May 7, 2010

Fuck off!

I am in such a bad mood right now.

Me and Pat talked today and he asked me if we were still together and I said no. Three hours later I see him with another chick. Ok, I'll admit I knew he just wanted to get in my pants and he didn't really care about me and he was probably cheating on me the whole fucking time but you know what? I didn't give a fuck and I told everybody I had a reason-any reason-to be with him but I didn't. Hell, I even lied to myself. He didn't have to go and fucking flaunt it in my face that I'm so easily replaced. I already fucking knew that.

And also Anton totally betrayed me. I told him something I had told only one person. I tol dhim how scared I was and I told him how stupid I was and how much I really truly do regret it, and what does he do? He flips a bitch at me and tells me how stupid I am. I ALREADY FUCKING KNEW THAT! I told him to fuck off.

I know
I know I'm stupid
I know I'm hurting you
I know I'm hurting myself
STOP TELLING ME!
Quit making it sound like I don't have a fucking heart.

Jesus. I'm so pissed right now. I want to kill someone. I'm probably going to end up breaking down later.

Good bye.
ittyK

(An extra note to Anton-fuck you.)

Art box

I am not a happy camper. and I don't wanna work. at all.

I feel bad
For lying
For cheating
For making stupid decisions.
For fucking everything up.
For being such a bitch.
For taking everything for granted
For being so fucking awful about every fucking thing

I feel like such a bitch to Pat and Rene and Leslie and Anton and Elsa and Carmen and AAAAAAAGH!!!!

I hate being open to people because then I hurt them. Always. I hate dissapointing people and I always do because everybody excpects so much from me and I can't give them what they want. I am not fucking perfect. Stop expecting me to be amazing. You'll just be let down because I am not amazing. I'm just me.

I want to erase the past. I want to give up. I want it to STOP!

I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself

I can't handle this.

I fucking hate myself.

I don't want to cry in class.
I just wan to curl up and die.

I'm going to go.... work? Or something.

So yeah. Bye.
ittyK

p.s. CINDY'S BRAIN JUICE DRIED UP!
And we're talking about yak guts and squeezing brains.
How hard would it be to drain all your spinal fluids?
Yaking
dimples on a gimp?

Monday, May 3, 2010

one quick post

I have like, no time because I'm drowning in homework but I decided to post super quickly anyways. So, sorry if my spelling and grammar and whatnot sucks its cuz I don't have time.

SO today I was going to hang out with Quin after school. but that fell throuhg. now im at home. :(

Rees told me today that Charmen isn't dating realms kids anymore or something and I want to know if it's rue or not but I don't want to ask her. She was really @#!*% about something today and I told her that I was sorry because I'm kinda awful to her and I hurt her a lot and I hate myself for it and she says it's ok but I still hate myself.

I've been trying to be more positive lately and it kinda hurts but thats ok. I'm kinda sorta sure that it will be ok in the long run. But maybe not. Because optismism and positivness suck. A lot.

I found this really cool site for writers called oneword.com so check it out if you want it's really fun and neat and such :)

I'm gonna go do homework now sorry for wasting your time! :)
Love love love!
ittyK

P.S. Today is this blog's three month anniversery thingy! haha :)

Sunday, May 2, 2010

can I curl up and die, please?

So I really shouldn’t be posting this because I have way to god damn much homework and I’m kinda really busy right now especially ‘cuz I’m talking to Ariel and trying to keep the phone in my ear but it keeps falling and I’m also on Facebook chatting with Morrigan and Quin and Sydnie and I am having trouble concentrating on one topic but I just hung up so it’ll be easier. Like I said, I shouldn’t be posting but I haven’t in a long time so I figured I’d let you know that I’m alive. And say something I’ve been wanting to say for a while.

Any-hoo, I am just going to come out and say it because I am insanely occupied and tired and I just want to get my homework done and get to bed. The other day, when I was with Quin (who is kinda sorta officially my boyfriend now but only kinda sorta ‘cuz it’s weird) I smoked. Like, weed. It honestly isn’t that big of a deal just because it didn’t affect me too much and weed is non-addictive.
I’m just scared because I actually really liked it but I don’t want to become a druggie. I know it’s kinda weird to be saying this since it is non-addictive, but I’m scared that since I tried this other worse things might not seem so bad anymore and that would be bad. I really don’t want to do anything other than, like, drinking and smoking.

So yeah.

My brain is exploding. I’m wayyyy stressed. =[

So, I told Rees about me and Quin (not *everything* just *very* little, like, I liked Quin. And that’s about it) and he apparently went up to Quin and was like “So. You and Cate, huh?” So now the whole school is going to know because it’s way too damn small which includes Pat who I haven’t officially broken up with so the shits gonna hit the fan and it will not be good.
I’ll try to keep you posted, but with my dad restricting *all* my internet privileges, that may be kinda hard. I do have a few Spanish classes and a few Photography classes in which I have access to this, but it’s going to be really hard. :(

I miss you!

love,
ittyK